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How can we KNOW if someone is the right partner for us? Regardless of whether we’re seriously dating someone or thinking …

Transcript

all right today we’re going to talk about how you know if they are the one one one because all this relationship stuff can be really tough right I mean how are we supposed to know if this is the right person for us marriage is a really big deal having kids with someone is a really big deal and most of us don’t get married thinking it’s going to end in divorce and yet 40% do and do you know why I didn’t care about that stat same reason you don’t because you think he’s not talking to me that’s not going to happen to me so let me be clear no one thinks it’s going to happen to them until it does yes I’m talking to you and if you forget everything else from this video remember this you can drastically improve your odds of a mutually fulfilling long-term relationship by one picking the right type of person but two just as important becoming the right type of person all right first disclaimer quick reminder this video has nothing to do with perfection it has everything to do with intention and Direction none of us are perfect and you’re going to hear things today and go oh crap I’m not doing those things and that’s okay I wasn’t either but what we need to realize is that what we don’t know can still hurt our partner right ignorance is no longer an excuse the advice I’m talking about today drastically reduces your chances of getting into a narcissistic or self-centered relationship this is everything I wish I had learned decades ago this doesn’t guarantee a perfect relationship with someone but it does give us the tools to set us up for the relationship we deserve of course these conversations are hard of course it’s difficult to be able to have healthy safe conflicts because that demands something from you like humility and self-reflection and vulnerability and mutual respect from both people yes it’s hard but I’ve seen what happens when you can’t have them or you choose a partner who has no interest in emotional maturity and guess what that’s really hard too if you realize you aren’t doing something that would benefit your relationship or you realize you are doing something that’s potentially hurting your partner take accountability and talk to them about it go first initiate be intentional that’s what this is all about two people who are willing to do the hard work to make this work all right second disclaimer I do not believe in the concept of the one you can believe in fate you can believe God brought you together that’s fine but there is no the one the reason why that’s so dangerous is because it creates a false belief about relationships that you just need to find the right person and then everything else will fall into place all your trauma just magically goes away all your destructive coping mechanisms that you’ve built up for years all the garbage you inherited from your parents dysfunctional relationship all of your own baggage none of it matters anymore because we found the one right wrong you aren’t waiting around for someone to come save you and make you whole and you certainly don’t need to be saving someone else your life and happiness doesn’t start once you’re in a relationship that’s how we can create unhealthy codependent relationships where our self-worth and value are put in someone else’s hands and if they don’t see us as valuable then we don’t see us as valuable and that’s a big problem I don’t believe great relationships happen by accident I believe they are built and that includes the relationship you have with yourself which plays a larger role in your relationships with others than you realize and what we don’t realize is it’s so easy to ignore red flags and not talk about our non-negotiables and not talk about our boundaries in the beginnings of a relationship because we are flooded with those chemicals we get at the beginning stages of love so we cannot allow this to sabotage our long-term success it doesn’t mean we shouldn’t enjoy it we absolutely should but we have to stay levelheaded and understand that they aren’t always showing up as the real them and we aren’t always showing up as the real us and we have to do both enjoy being in love with each other and show up and talk about what we need and not be afraid to end this relationship if things get toxic or unhealthy all right so having said all that let’s get into it what are the characteristics we should be looking for if we are getting into a serious relationship with someone or maybe even potentially marrying them and remember we shouldn’t be expecting things from someone else if we aren’t practicing them ourselves right because that’s called hypocrisy and we’re not Hypocrites right right all right number one will always be safety without a foundation of safety everything else crumbles you can’t have intimacy without safety you won’t be vulnerable with someone that you don’t feel safe with you can’t have playfulness or friendship you won’t have any of it without safety that means we have to have a zero tolerance policy for physical violence aggression dominance controlling Behavior yelling demeaning or belittling words name calling those things don’t build up they only tear down love and trust and safety who you choose to be in an intimate relationship with is a really big deal and if they’ve shown you with their words or actions that they aren’t a safe person I promise you you can’t change them stop acting like if you just talked to them different that they would stop hurting you that’s not how love works we can have empathy for what they went through in their childhood we can have empathy for how difficult their life is now but we also have to hold people accountable to hurtful or destructive behaviors and when you can’t do that or when you don’t feel safe to do that it’s always a red flag that something deeper is going on in the relationship that will eventually erode intimacy connection and trust and I understand how difficult trauma bonds are to break I understand how difficult it is to leave abusive situations and you won’t find me victim blaming however if we’re talking about choosing a partnership with someone who is unsafe in any way my advice would be 100% to step back make sure you’re safe and get some professional help because the sad truth is love will never be enough to sustain a relationship long term at least not in the way today’s culture has defined it I don’t care so much that you love each other I care about how you’re loving each other that’s great that you love each other here’s a better question do you respect each other are you kind to each other even during a conflict do you consider each other do you prioritize each other intentionally are you a peaceful agent in their life or do you add to the chaos and dysfunction do you truly accept each other on a fundamental level or are you both trying to consistently change the other I think it’s great that you have a bond together and you want to continue that but we cannot forget that abusive relationships have a bond as well toxic Partners say they love each other people who are addicted to drugs or alcohol even people who cheat most of the time say that they still love their partner and yet those are massive betrayals that destroy relationships every day love doesn’t make the difference how you love does the sad truth is if you want a healthy marriage one day you have to first be okay with unhealthy relationships ending I’m not saying that’s easy I’m just saying it’s necessary okay number two how do we build a climate of safety with each other then with consistent trust respect and kindness pick someone you can trust trust means that you believe you can rely on this person that they have your back they have your best interest in mind they aren’t going to abandon you and things get hard they aren’t going to dismiss you when you’re hurt and they aren’t going to take advantage of you trust means if I said I’m going to do this then I’m going to do it and this isn’t about forgetting we all forget but trustworthy people own that mistake they apologize and they show you going forward through consistency that they can follow through on their word now trust can be broken in big quick ways like cheating or violence but it can also be broken in slow small ways like passive aggressiveness and silent treatments and disrespect and dismissing how someone is feeling and inv validating their concerns because they’re just being irrational right essentially trust is broken when you punish someone else’s honesty or vulnerability once trust is systematically broken the relationship begins to die once you make someone else feel like their feelings are a burden they will begin to pull away emotionally and physically mainly just out of protection our body knows it’s not safe to be vulnerable with someone you don’t trust your heart knows not to give to someone who is only taking so it’s only natural that you’ll start putting up walls but that only leads to more distance and disconnection the way we prevent this is by checking in with each other which we’ll talk about a little bit later so pick someone who you respect and who respects you I know someone respects me because they want to know my boundaries they want to know where my lines are they want to know what I’m comfortable with and what I’m not pick someone who doesn’t ever rush you sexually because someone who loves you wouldn’t want you doing anything that you’re not actually comfortable with when we respect someone we hold them in high regard we treat them like they’re important important to us we study them we learn about them we pay attention we care about what helps them to feel loved and valued and what leads them to feeling neglected when we respect someone we don’t talk down to them we don’t interrupt them we don’t dismiss their perspective we value them and we show it with our words we appreciate them we look for ways to compliment them be that type of partner and find a partner who does that for you and when two people actually do this like I said not perfectly just intentionally they can create a beautiful fulfilling relationship together but when one person doesn’t care about any of this the relationship always fails these aren’t add-ons if we’re lucky to have them they’re essential they are how love is demonstrated next pick someone who is kind kindness and warmth are vital spend enough time with someone that you can see that they are consistently kind especially to strangers and people who can’t do anything for them one of my huge non-negotiables for both of you is that you’re practicing self selflessness together selflessness doesn’t mean being walked on selflessness doesn’t have to lead to you being taken advantage of it can absolutely coexist right alongside healthy boundaries it simply means taking the focus off of us and learning how our partner feels safe or loved or respected and intentionally doing those things it’s that simple now is that hard absolutely it is it takes a ton of mental effort and sacrifice and intentionality and yet it’s exactly what tends to make the difference in relationships that go the distance and are fulfilling versus ones that don’t if you’re a natural Giver make sure you find other givers to love it’s okay if they aren’t as much of a giver as you are that’s a whole different situation than being with someone you believe is primarily a taker relationship expert Dr John Gutman studied thousands of relationships and he concluded that one of the greatest predictors of divorce is something that we all completely forget about and get complacent about in our relationships do you know what it is admiration and bids for connection couples that didn’t make it rarely admired each other mutually and looked for ways to connect with each other this is what makes all the difference now bids for connection means that we are on the lookout for ways our partner is trying to connect with us because this happens more than we realize sometimes it happens subconsciously but as humans we are wired for connection and so often our partner is being vulnerable or inviting us to be playful or extending an opportunity for connection and if we aren’t paying attention we miss it rarely does your partner go hey I’m trying to connect with you instead she says oh my gosh you have to hear about my day today but you don’t even look up from your phone or he tries to kiss you later but you’re still mad that he ignored you when you were trying to tell your story so you pull away now you both feel rejected but no one has the self-reflection or courage or safety to be vulnerable and talk about what happened and how they’re feeling do you see how this cycle can destroy relationships over time one of my favorite Gman quotes is marriages die in the conversations that never happen and your argument might be well she needs to be more direct I can’t read her mind okay but let’s go down that path what if she did what if she told you I don’t feel connected to you lately or I feel neglected or I feel really upset about earlier or this is what I need to feel loved are you telling me that you could handle that and validate those feelings and be a safe place for her to share that information without getting defensive or shutting down or making excuses and justifying your behavior because so often that’s not the case all right number three find someone who is honest and has personal Integrity now I know that’s really hard to do because even dishonest people seem honest in the beginning but if you give them enough time if you hold out and try not to get too attached too quickly people usually show you who they truly are so just do your best and trust your intuition find someone who is able to be honest with you about how they’re feeling and what they need find someone who is honest about their struggles and insecurities and mistakes because what I discovered in myself is those things required some self-reflection right I didn’t know what I needed I didn’t know how I was feeling I couldn’t communicate those things because I wasn’t really aware of them myself so find someone who is at least open to learning about emotional awareness and being reflective enough to actually be honest with you that’s something we don’t put enough weight on in our relationships but the truth is it takes a lot of courage and vulnerability to actually be honest and we should be encouraging that and I’m not talking about yelling at someone and being disrespectful and then saying hey I was just being honest no that’s not being kind or vulnerable that’s making excuses for your toxic Behavior what we need to do instead is take ownership of our feelings instead of blaming someone else we can still be angry but we shouldn’t come at someone with a critical tone or escalating things by saying you always do this you never do that you’re so selfish let’s stop being surprised a conversation doesn’t end healthy when we didn’t do anything to start it healthy and to me being someone that has integrity means I’m not keeping secrets from you it means I can take personal accountability when I mess up I don’t just play the victim I don’t just blame someone else for my own shortcomings or mistakes I don’t always have to wait for you to come to me I’m aware enough to come to you first and repair any disconnection and just a refresher repair means intentionally revisiting a moment of disconnection and taking responsibility for what I could have done better and then actually apologizing not making excuses not saying well I wouldn’t have had to do that if you would have just done no I’m actually saying I’m sorry that was wrong I could have done this better and then asking them to share how your behavior impacted them as we validate any concerns or hurts that they have as real and legitimate and then make a plan for how we want to show up in the future that’s how to repair my theory is we should be keeping short accounts in our relationships resentment can’t creep in if we’re both on the lookout for areas that we need to repair let’s make it hard for distance and disconnection to drift us apart so sit down with each other every week and just ask hey how are you feeling what are some things that we got right this week tell me about some times you felt prioritized and loved what are some things I could get better at tell me a moment where you might have felt unappreciated or dismissed can you imagine the relationship that would be possible if both people cared about each other’s Hearts like that if both people actually put their egos and pride aside and could be open and safe and vulnerable with each other resentment and distance wouldn’t stand a chance the problem isn’t knowing this information we all know that this would probably make relationships better the problem is is how many couples are there where both of them actually are willing to do this my fear is it’s too few number four pick someone who you have shared values with compatibility still matters a lot and yes you can still make it work with some people but don’t let love blind you to things that are actually really important to you down the road you need to get on the same page about a lot of things religion politics sex money kids in-laws Hobbies alcohol drugs expectations of who’s going to work and who’s going to be in charge of what when it comes to the mutual chores do you know how many fights are about those things all of them we think all this stuff sounds so silly I mean we’re in love we don’t need to think about or talk about this stuff right except this is what leads to divorce or people breaking up once you come out of that infatuation stage this is the kind of stuff that you’ll think how am I with someone who thinks this way you keep having the same fights over and over again and part of that is because you never discussed expectations around the domestic labor and the Mutual chores and the mental load and how much time you’re going to spend together and how much time you’re going to spend apart because you either thought it was unnecessary or you were worried it would cause a conflict but you didn’t prevent the fight you just delayed it compatibility matters if you’re someone who sees the glasses half full if you’re someone who likes to make gratitude lists if you’re someone who can just sit and stare at a beautiful sunset and you can find joy and enjoy this world even when things are hard don’t get with someone who is negative all the time who doesn’t care about the dumb Sunset because it’s just not going to work and when it comes to kids I’m not saying you need to break up because he wants three kids and you want two but so often he wants no kids and you want kids and you think things will just work themselves out or he’ll come around once you’re married and that happens sometimes but not most times most times if he eventually does come around and has a kid with you to appease you guess what the new argument will be why are you helping me why do I have to do everything by myself and he he’ll say this was your idea I told you I didn’t want kids I wanted my free time trust me when I say you don’t want to have that argument so have the hard conversations around what your expectations are now if you view pornography as cheating you need to be expressing that and if you’re watching pornography and your partner tells you that they view it as cheating you need to stop if you’re going to be in this relationship with this person continuing to do something that you know hurts them violates the honesty and integrity we talked about earlier no no one is making you stay in this relationship choose to be Allin or choose to find someone else number five is empathy pick someone who has empathy please people are already seeing that empathy is the number one determining factor for whether your relationship thrives or dies and you might say well Jimmy if it’s number one why’d you wait all the way until number five to tell us because I forgot okay I I forgot about it but we’re here now so let’s make the most of it empathy is the ability to see the world through your partner’s lens not just your own to actually feel in a sense what they are feeling but in order to do that you have to care enough to actually be curious about what’s going on inside of them and most of us can’t do that because of our own ego and our own narrative and we’re too offended that they’re upset because of something we did or didn’t do you know how everyone always tells you that communication is key um they’re wrong empathy is key communication is a result of two empathetic people listening understanding validating each other’s perspective and experience as real but communication isn’t the goal by itself Emily and I were communicating for years and the only result was worse distance and disconnection why because we weren’t understanding each other we weren’t practicing empathy or validation or understanding because we had already decided in our heads this person is just out to get me and they’re just trying to make me the bad guy information wasn’t actually being expressed and received both are necessary if you want to effectively communicate you can have the same argument over and over again and you’re certainly communicating something right but you’re not communicating effectively so for for us we got rid of all the toxicity around our communication passive aggressiveness contempt criticism silent treatments defensiveness stonewalling yelling accusations dismissing someone else’s feelings it all had to go why because it doesn’t help anything sure you can be mad you can be angry but we can’t expect to come at someone critical or accusatory and for it to go well it’s not a coincidence that when you call them a selfish aole they don’t respond with you know what I have been a little bit self-centered lately what are some things I can do to help you feel prioritized this week and just to be clear we still don’t do this perfectly we make mistakes we get mad at each other we get disrespectful but we also trust each other so if someone says hey I think things are getting a little too heated let’s take 30 minutes and come back we don’t follow them into another room screaming we don’t keep arguing we go calm down and we try again that’s part of respect and having influence over your partner and that’s a must in your relationship so for us we started practicing listen listening and not interrupting and taking ownership of our feelings and practicing being vulnerable being a safe place for each other to share along with of course bringing things up with discernment and kindness and respect and that has made all the difference and so many people will say well that’s great and all but my partner doesn’t care about any of that what do I do well we can’t change people unfortunately this always takes two to work right so get in counseling invite them to participate in their relationship set boundaries around unhealthy Behavior but at the end of the day we can’t control them into loving us they still have to choose their path and some paths only lead to destruction that brings us to number six find someone who is at least moderately interested in growth and healing and emotional maturity for me I think before you get serious with someone you should ask them hey if things get Rocky between us if I ever felt neglected even if you felt like I was overreacting would you still go to counseling with me to figure all this out because so many couples are in that exact situation doesn’t matter which gender it is I’ve heard both say I’m not going to counseling because you’re the one with the problem and that hurts relationships so badly in my opinion we all need some counseling especially premarital counseling it’s estimated that over 50% of us have insecure attachment what that means is we have a destructive maladaptive way of attaching to our partners and showing up in our relationships and guess where it rears its ugly head the most are conflicts so look at your fights analyze them together go through a fake fight map it out where does it go wrong try to recorrect it before you get into the next one look into the why behind your reactions and mindsets why do I shut down why do I get so critical or passive aggressive why do I get defensive even when I agree that you brought it up in a respectful way insecure attachment means that we have a subconscious fear of Abandonment that manifests itself in a few different ways depending on whether you’re anxiously attached avoidant attached or disorganized but essentially what it boils down to is this you weren’t able to trust people in your life who were supposed to care about you and love you and that means you won’t fully trust intimate Partners now how that shows up is dependent on your attachment some people get very clingy very needy need constant reassurance that their partner isn’t going to leave them so they abandon themselves in a way in order to keep the peace in their relationship they people please they put your needs above their own because for them that means the relationship stays safe and won’t have to feel any pain of disconnection right but what ends up happening is when you abandon your own boundaries and prioritize someone else above yourself you eventually become resentful because they aren’t holding up their end of the bargain they aren’t giving you Safety and Security and connection they’re neglecting you which makes you fear abandonment and start conflict which usually leads to them pulling away even harder since you’re being too needy again and when chaotic relationships are familiar to you since your childhood it’s easier to get with people who take advantage of you and eventually you leave them because they were a narcissist or they abandon you because well they were a narcissist which reinforces your belief that people can’t be trusted or instead of being clingy and needy you might be more emotionally distant you might struggle to feel feelings you might not Place much value on those you might not get too close to people except for in the beginning because you like the initial feelings of connection but you were taught in childhood that you couldn’t really depend on anyone for anything so you don’t and eventually in Intimate Relationships it’s not long until you feel like your Independence is being threatened and you’ll feel smothered by their neediness or their feelings you’ll feel like you got in too deep and they aren’t going to like you when they find out who you truly are so it’s best just to end things now and you bail you find a reason why you have to get out of this relationship and you do sometimes you come back other times you don’t this is half the population we’re talking about and in all those scenarios regardless of how you show up you’re just trying to stay safe you’re just trying to protect yourself from pain sometimes by being hypervigilant to any disconnection and other times by creating disconnection so you don’t feel so smothered but neither is actually emotionally available or vulnerable or self-reflective the solution is getting to the root cause of your fear the solution is acknowledging that you might have some trust issues or that you have commitment issues or that you tend to use relationships as a way to feel whole and needed and valuable and that’s normal given what you have gone through but remember healing is still our responsibility and if you find yourself asking how come every guy I did is a narcissist it might be time to ask why am I so attracted to narcissists the solution is a balance between having our own separate lives but also feeling safe and connected together as well and if we need more space if we need a little bit more alone time that’s okay we can ask for that and if we need more closeness and intimacy that’s okay when we’re in a reciprocal relationship we can ask for those things and we won’t be punished because we trust each other and we feel safe with each other but anxious Hearts need to remember yes safety comes from consistency on their end but we can’t make them the complete source of our own safety right we need to also do the work of feeling safe inside of ourselves as well the solution is admitting that we can all be conflict avoidant and it’s easier to be critical instead of vulnerable it’s easier to give the silent treatment instead of talk about how we’re feeling because either we don’t feel safe or they have shown us that they aren’t a safe place for us to do that this is about exploring why we shut down during conflict because we can choose not to continue to do that but it takes healing the solution is learning how to be emotionally available how to discover and identify what you need in a relationship to advocate for those needs in a respectful kind way to learn about your fears and to be able to set boundaries even with those that you love the solution is realizing what role we’re playing in our own dysfunction function and holding ourselves accountable this isn’t something that happens overnight this is an ongoing Journey that we’re all on now some people refuse to go on this journey and their relationships always suffer so choose someone who is at least mildly interested in walking this healing path with you because love will always come with a risk of pain we can’t fully love without being vulnerable which means taking off our armor and standing there exposed and saying I’m willing to show you my scars I’m willing to open up I’m willing to take this risk with you knowing I might be hurt my advice if you truly care about each other if you truly want to make a lifelong commitment to each other when someone is willing to take their armor off for you learn about why they had to put it on in the first place and show them they don’t need the armor with you because you’re safe and gentle and trustworthy number seven choose someone who is your friend now I have to be honest a little bit it makes me throw up in my mouth a little bit when two people are like oh my partner is my best friend but they’re right when I think of a great relationship ship I think of a great friendship everything I’ve talked about today safety trust respect playfulness empathy that’s a great friendship right friends care about each other they’re kind to each other intentionally they protect the Friendship subconsciously because they don’t want stupid things to drift it apart Great friendships don’t have a power Dynamic there isn’t a giver and a taker right I mean we might be friends with someone like that but we would never describe that as a fulfilling friendship great friendships are resilient they’ve been through some stuff together they’ve seen each other at their worst and they still say I accept you I love you that’s safety great friends can call you out on your crap and you listen because you trust them you know they have your best interest in mind and you accept their influence and it should be no different with your partner in great friendships it’s not a competition we celebrate each other’s wins and we grieve losses together as a team we are each other’s cheerleaders in great friendships that actually have a foundation of trust and safety we forgive each other we extend Grace we start with the benefit of the doubt and we say hey this is the story I’m giving this help me fill in the details because we believe this person didn’t intend to hurt us that doesn’t mean that we’re still not hurt it just means we recognize it wasn’t done maliciously and we forgive that doesn’t mean we don’t talk about it doesn’t mean we suppress those feelings doesn’t mean we don’t set healthy boundaries it just means we choose to forgive because we refuse to allow bitterness and resentment to take over our hearts and Minds towards this person and because we know we will eventually need forgiveness as well right can you imagine a relationship with someone like that because it’s possible but it takes us becoming that person and then choosing someone who meets those values as well who you choose to be in a relationship with matters a lot and who you choose to marry matters even more this is your time to be selective you get a choice of who you want to be in a committed relationship with no one is forcing you and I’m certainly not trying to give you anxiety about this Choice the goal isn’t anxiety it’s just discernment so many people feel trapped in a toxic relationship relationship they feel like they can’t get out because they’re financially stuck or they feel like they’ve put so much into this relationship it’s hard to give up on it but I’m just warning you pay attention to the warning signs this is your life we’re talking about this is your future kids’ lives there is no benefit to marrying someone if you don’t feel like this relationship is healthy so often our relationships with others are like a mirror showing us our relationship with ourselves and so many of you are settling for toxic partners because that’s what you experienced growing up and no one has reminded you that you deserve so much more than the bare minimum you don’t deserve to be yelled at or disrespected or belittled or neglected you don’t deserve to be dominated or dismissed your voice matters your needs matter just as much as theirs do and this also isn’t about certainty maybe you’re considering marrying someone but you’re just not sure that’s okay you don’t have to be 100% sure that’s why I made this list if you feel like they’re checking boxes off these lists if you feel like they show an interest and trust and respect and kindness you don’t need to be 100% sure you’ll never be 100% sure and that’s okay to feel nervous about such a big commitment this isn’t about someone meeting all your needs all the time they aren’t supposed to meet all of your needs they’re supposed to add value to your life and vice versa they’re supposed to be your friend and your lover and your safe partner they’re supposed to be trustworthy and respectful and kind and those things aren’t going above and beyond don’t let culture fool you this is how love is demonstrated pick someone who agrees with that definition if you agree with it because I know that if two people are intentional if you’re both on guard against the normal things that cause couples to drift apart if you’re both attempting to be self-reflective and considerate and sacrificial when it comes to how we prioritize each other you can do this so schedule the check-ins with each other practice having the hard talks where you’re learning how to listen and stay engaged and seek to understand each other’s perspective learn about them get on the same page heal from any emotional baggage your trauma that you have practice having those respectful conflicts and remember you’re on the same team act like it thank you so much for listening I hope this was helpful in some way congratulations if anyone is engaged and watching this and I’ll see you in the next one

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