I had to update Zones before I could finish Self-Maximize. It is SO MUCH WORK OH MY GOD. But It’ll be worth it. I consider this …
[Music] hi if you don’t know me by now I make diagrams to explain psychology and dating as a part of my upcoming series on self-improvement called self- maximize I have created a new version of zones here it is zones is of course my viral iconic relationship map that lays out what men are looking for from women and what women are looking for from Men In romantic relationships as you can see the new version is much prettier and more fleshed out easier to read and easier to understand this is version three and it took me 3 days to get perfect even though it’s characteristically not perfect there’s no hole in that a a lot of you probably never saw version one which I did in 10 minutes on a kitchen counter how far we’ve come and I couldn’t have done it without you so let’s get to the point here are the differences between the old and new versions the old version uses these simple little drawings to demonstrate how men think about women and then where we place them along this scale according to how much we like them and it has these minimal indications of how we feel about these different classifications of course it does the same for women who measure men along two axes instead of one if you’re a woman this is how much men like you and if you’re a man this is how much women are attracted to you and how much they feel safe with you and supported by you women are complex I also included these indicators for lust and love and these arrows showing that the good guy attachment is measured here and uh the bad boy attachment is measured here and for men I tried to show that lust exists here but that love grows as we like you more and that’s pretty much the whole chart which people have found helpful the new version is what I would call all fleshed out let’s go over the details first of all I added text to explain how to use the chart second of all I organized everything at 90° angles which are my favorite the last version was a little bit sloppy and a lot of people didn’t notice some details like how this is a speech bubble for the what we let people know about and this is a thought bubble for what we keep secret so I left that out here and I just went ahead and wrote public and Secret Finally I fleshed out all of the details of each category and that comes at the expense of the illustrations like there’s no room for a brain here but I think this is more clear so I’m going to go through zones version 3 as if you’ve never seen it before as a refresher or for anyone new first of all these are the male and female sides they are divided by this Center Line which is the only double line on the chart these inner boxes here and here with the meters next to them here here and here are the types of evaluations that men make about women and that women make about men these boxes next to the meter are the qualities that men look for when they are evaluating women so you just add the total of how a man feels about a woman’s body personality Purity and the bonus things that that barely matter there’s a cabinet and you get the total attraction which determines where he’s going to place her I kept the lust and love elements basically the same and I have arrows now pointing to the meters that they represent so in men the more that we are attracted to a woman the more lust we are going to have but in men we can experience attraction with zero or negative attachment which usually does not happen in women women can be attached to men for these reasons or for these reasons or for both but for men if we really like you then we want you forever if we only kind of like you than we want you for now and if we don’t like you at all but something sometimes feels better than nothing then we want to forget I should also mention zones accounts only for attraction-based relationships and not for other forms of Love Like spiritual connections arranged marriages old married couples or anything like that if I included those we’d have have to get into some kind of crazy Cube maybe next year so I created this visualization because this is something that I want women to learn just because men are sleeping with you does not mean that we are attached and in fact we could be very unattached I called this chart zones because it’s based off the idea of the friend zone I’m using language that we already understand I did the same with these boxes I based them off the idea of she’s a keeper if they rhyme it’s easier to understand so the keeper is the one you marry and you keep her forever the sleeper is the one who is nice to have around but you never quite know what the future is going to be and the sweeper is the one that you regret and don’t want anyone to know about so when men are evaluating women we think of you in terms of the best I could ever get the bottom line for what I would commit to right here is the public secret line the dotted line these are the ones that we want to be seen with and the ones that we don’t this is the line where we would see her again or not and then below this line we would be not interested in even one shameful secret and the way that we evaluate how attracted we are is through what’s in these boxes first you have the body obviously very important I changed that from looks because it’s more than looks this is not a comprehensive list none of these are it’s just to give you an idea about what body means different men like different body types sometimes we like your voice we like women of different you know body types different levels of Fitness some men like women thicker we like different qualities in your face your hair how you wear your hair pheromones I put in quotes because I don’t think it’s technically pheromones that we have but it functions the same it’s it’s how you like the smell of the other person has a lot to do with attraction and personal chemistry and so on it’s just body second is personality and that is again not a comprehensive list just everything about her personality who she is where she’s from how she treats you is she supportive helpful reliable interesting smart is she into the same things as you what kind of person is she and what’s it like to be with her Purity I changed from other men because it is again more comprehensive it has more to it than just other men Purity is all about your history of loyalty do you have any baggage do you dress modestly or are you running around with your clothes off at midnight a lot of guys care about body count that would go in here one thing a lot of men care about is a woman’s innocence a lot of modern women don’t accept that they say it’s infantilizing but men appreciate Purity and innocence in women for evolutionary reasons and it’s not going away Purity also includes is she exclusive does she cheat has she cheated before is she polyamorous does she have kids from other guys does she have guy friends here’s her guy friends if you’ve ever had a girlfriend you know how that feels and then finally cabinet I changed to bonus cuz it’s easier to understand but I still drew the cabinet cuz it’s funny bonuses don’t matter very much to men the best example is if she has a really convenient apartment that is something that would be cool but it doesn’t matter a lot to men but it might matter a lot to women they that’s why their bonus section is Galaxy they might say things like oh my god he has all the right stuff in the perfect place they might you might get a few points from that but not here you might go you might if you have the perfect apartment and you’re here you might go like this it’s doesn’t do a lot so men basically just evaluate all these things about women and then add them to get how attracted we are to her and then that’s just her score and it’s that’s how it works it’s men are simple so a lot of people talk about box Theory I put that on zon’s version one box Theory basically says once we evaluate you you’re in a box and you’re not getting out I don’t believe that’s true I think women can move around but I also think that it’s definitely easy to move down and difficult to move up I’m going to explain that more in self- maximize but basically if we meet you and we see you and we think that you’re somewhere in here and then we observe your behavior and you fall down to here you’re going to need to do a lot of personal work to move back up I if you have deeply rooted personal habits that we evaluate as not being keeper material those are usually deep things about yourself that you’re going to have to change and most people simply do not do that watch my video of this name this one right here so if you’re a woman changing your personality and Purity habits can change your score a lot and so can your body if a man thinks that a woman is an amazing person but isn’t attracted to her for reasons that she could change that can move her from here to here so these three boxes are very important this one not so much finally on the male side I added these friend indicators so basically if we are friends with a woman and then she gains attraction to us or if it was always there and then circumstances change then most of the time usually and I’ll explain that later usually you just pop into these boxes or you don’t so if we like a friend this much she goes in if we like her this much she pretty much all the time will just go in and if we like her this much it’s questionable it depends on a lot do I want to do this or not with someone I’m friends with it’s very complicated and if we like her this much and we’re friends with her and she starts displaying interest we might just stop being friends with her the way that I experience this is if we are friends and then you express interest in me then I might not want to have you around because if we did anything then I wouldn’t want anyone to know about it and sometimes I give into temptation as do many men it happens so if you are a woman you can use these indicators to understand how a man feels about you and what you need to change in order to change his mind okay okay now for the female side women are complicated so again men have only one meter these are not separate men can be very physically attracted to somebody but not very attached at all women on the other hand experience attraction along one AIS and attachment along to so this is your bad boy score and that is her total attraction to you and this is your good guy score and that is the total amount of of provision and protection and comfort and friendship and security that she gets from you in my opinion the biggest problem in dating right now is that men are told if you are nice to her then she will be attracted to you but that is not what causes attraction so a lot of guys will say things like hey I spend time with you I spend money on you I’m not known for being a bad guy or a criminal I don’t have any other girls around me why aren’t you attracted to me cuz those are not the things that make women attracted to you so the good guy score is made up of four boxes the first one is investment that means spending money on her providing for her spending time with her getting to know her emotionally bonding with her supporting her emotionally financially a lot of men think that investment is all about money and it’s not there are a lot of guys who are dead broke and they moved across the country for her or changed religions or something and that gave them a big boost the next one is presentability that’s how good she looks to be seen with you so that is do you take care of of your appearance and your hygiene are you a likable guy do you have social skills think of this box like Mr Rogers one of the most likable people ever he’s had a great reputation that’s big good guy score then there’s loyalty this is one of the most confusing things about women because in these relationships women need you not to have other girls but in these relationships sometimes it can make you more attractive to her through something called mate Choice copying which I have videos about uh if you have other where is it if you’re popular with other women basically these guys wouldn’t have gotten this reaction if all the other girls didn’t already like them it’s when women like you women like you there’s a great old Patrice O’Neal standup comedy special called elephant in the room where he talks about this he basically explains that you need to prove that you can get women so she’s attracted to you but then don’t actually get them so she doesn’t leave you women are complicated don’t lose hope though for most women it’s enough just to see that other women are jealous that she has you so be something that women want to steal from her but then don’t let yourself get stolen that’s it it’s not that hard just be cool so to keep your good guys score high here you just have to be trustworthy and loyal and have a good history just like in Purity finally the bonus for women is a Galaxy because it matters a lot you will hear women from time to time just gab and gab about a he’s got this thing and he lives here and he does that and he’s from here blah blah blah blah blah they they like this if you have a lot of the things that she wants you to have in here it can bump your score up by a significant amount so the bonus again is kind of things that you have rather than things that you are which would go here and here and here and here and again just like men you add up how she feels about these aspects of you and that will determine how secure she feels with you and what kind of relationship she wants most men need to work on this more than this a lot of modern men have this ridiculous idea that women are just not as sexual like all women are this all the time and I promise you if you ever make it past this line into the range where a lot of women find you attractive you will find out how wrong that is so a lot of men will spend their time and energy being nice and then wonder why women are not attracted and it’s because you’re not attractive women like the same things we do women are into body maybe even more than men in some ways they like different body types women are into height which is something most men don’t care about women have sensitivity to men’s voices and their hands and and different aspects about their faces when men evaluate women physically we just kind of go oh she’s hot and then we’re done women will talk endlessly about little details about men’s bodies I had a woman tell me recently that my shoulder muscles attached to my shoulders in a way that was sex who even thinks of that they do and of course there are some things you can’t really fix you can’t do much about your height or your face but if you’re a man and you’re not taking care of your Fitness and you’re not perfectly fresh every time you leave the house and you’re standing and walking like you don’t care about yourself and you have to dress properly too which is not difficult I’ll go over it and self maximize but if you’re a man and you’re not maximizing this aspect of yourself you are leaving this on the table and you are doomed to be here forever so for men we like a lot of things about women ‘s personalities and some of those things are Universal and some of them are very specific to your personality and women are kind of like that too everyone’s different but they have much higher requirements in particularly this personality area this is the hardest spot on the chart it’s the most difficult one to master I called the section masculinity I broke it down into competence and confidence again this is the Mr Rogers Area this is how likable you are how nice of a person people think you are this is the supportive husbande area it’s how how much you’re investing in here is why it’s called investment this is like the Tony Montana area that’s the main character from the movie Scarface and this was his girlfriend and she didn’t like him cuz he was nice she liked him cuz he had power on zones version 2 people criticized me for saying that you need to be a bad person in order to be attractive and that’s not what I’m trying to say so I fixed it by getting rid of the words dark Triad and replacing it with what those traits represent most men understand that if a girl is attracted enough her personality can add quite a lot it is the same for women if you are attractive enough and you’re taking care of yourself enough these personality aspects can add a lot these personality aspects will not add this you have to add this and add these on top so basically once she feels attracted to you these will make her more attracted to you but without getting here first these things will not make her attracted to you so competence and confidence basically mean your ability to do stuff that matters and your ability to show your ability to do stuff that matters women want to see things like can you make money and support me would you win in a fight if you had to can you fix things around the house can you entertain people do you know how to make people like you can you do something special that most people can’t do do people generally respect you can you make her laugh can you give her strong emotional experiences do you understand women do you know what to say and how and when to say it do you never give up are you difficult to acquire do other people like you especially women all of these things can create good conditions in your life and that’s what she wants to see she wants to see can you create good conditions in your own life and then share them with me that’s the perfect relationship but even if you can do these things if you act like you can’t it’s not going to matter as much so let’s say that you can do something special and difficult it’s going to look a lot better if you can make it look easy women generally want you to be emotionally close with them but also you have to be careful not to be weak women are complicated there are ways of sharing your emotions without whining and crying and saying I’m weak and you need to help me most women want to see that you can make decisions and go with them and be confident that that they’re the right decisions just like um perseverance over here women want to see that you’re a go-getter this is your actual performance in life and not giving up and this is the attitude of I’m not going to give up I’m going to go get it women like that as well finally instead of dark Triad I replac that with light and dark forms of confidence the light ones would be optimism self assurance and being positive things are going to work out I know they are we can do it there’s I know that I can do this for you I know we can do this together but women also like the dark ones too they don’t actually want you to be a psychopath or a narcissist they just want you to be able to say I’m awesome I’m the best I get my way Nobody messes with me those are things that most women want to hear in some way or another and they want you to be able to back it up so if you look good enough and you do impressive things and you show her that you’re comfortable being assured that you can continue to do the impressive things that’s going to give her attraction and then you just add up these things to get this you can compensate for some lack of looks with these things they’ve even measured it they know how much money you need to make to make up for you know lack of height it’s kind of funny so then you just add up her score for you on both of these and you find where you are most men are going to be in a particular woman’s not people Zone that means you are not attractive to her and you are not being supportive to her if she is not attracted to you at all and you put in a pathetic amount of effort you become a creep and she says I wish he would just go away if you put in a lot of effort and you go above this line she’s going to say oh I’m sorry I’m not interested I’m sorry women say this a lot there’s a lot of videos about women turning down the nice guy cuz they can’t get feelings for him but they wish they could cuz he treats them well I put sugar daddy here because even if a woman is not very attracted money can compensate for some lack of Attraction if she’s not attracted to you and you really kill it on the good guy stuff she’ll put you in the friend zone and then you’re like a brother to her and that’s not fun let’s do the middle column if she is kind of attracted to you sometimes women will mistake you for being a bad boy for being very attractive or sometimes for being very supportive and then find out later oh he kind of isn’t that masculine he he looked pretty good but he wasn’t like this I can’t believe that I ever GH or I thought he was going to be supportive to me and he wasn’t I can’t believe so that’s the mistake Zone if you’re a little little bit better than that to her basically if you’re putting in creep levels of effort and she’s only a little attracted she’s going to feel like I have to this is bad this is a bad situationship I want to get out of it this is the situationship where she won’t pull the trigger where maybe you want to be with her and she doesn’t want to be with you so you’re not giving me very much of this or very much of this when you are medium attractive and you put in enough effort to go above the public secret line you get to the settling Zone where some women especially later in life will just say that’s good enough I guess that’s the best I’m getting and if you are medium attractive but you are also putting in friend zone levels of effort then that will be the husband Zone a lot of women are happy with this Zone and they are they’re happy to sacrifice a little attraction to get out of these situationships and it’s I got my guy he loves me finally if women are very attracted to you this is again a key difference between men and women are attachment starts at a certain level of attraction women experience attachment to the friend zone guy and to the bad boy different kinds of attachment here’s another confusing part this attachment is different from friend attachment friend zone attachment is also different from friend attachment men and women can both have friends that they are attached to but this is romantic attachment and this is also romantic attachment if you are in the friend zone it means you’re fulfilling this part of her romantic attachment so there’s a difference between being friends and being in the friend zone in order to be just friends you have to have no desire for each other because if you have desire for her and she doesn’t want to then you get friend zoned and she is taking this energy from you but doesn’t want a relationship and if she has desire for you and you don’t want to then that’s usually this and that’s why it’s hard for men and women to be friends so if she’s super attracted to you and you are terrible to her and you don’t offer her anything she’ll keep coming back and she won’t be able to resist you and she’ll say so bad for me that is something that I did way too many times when I was younger I let these women get hurt by expecting me to change when I knew I wasn’t going to and I don’t think we should do that I don’t think you should put women here or here unless they want to be if she is super attracted to you and you’re giving small amounts of effort she will wonder what it’s going to take to make you give more effort which usually you’re not going to women get confused they feel this attraction and they think well he must feel attachment then I I feel attached to him because I’m attracted and he’s spending all this time with me he must be attached to but he’s not so women will hang out in this area a lot with a guy who doesn’t take her out or treat her well or doesn’t get rid of other women for her and and they’ll Wonder for years sometimes like when am I going to move out of this Zone and and to this one and it’s you know not on his bucket list if she’s very attracted and you’re putting in the settling levels of effort that’s just an even stronger version of this she’s going to think even more well he’s treating me this well he probably will treat me this well someday which again usually is not the case cuz it is hard to move up and then finally maximum attraction maximum security Prince Charming the man of my dreams this is what you should want to be a lot of guys guys are trying to be this and I get it and I did it and I had my fun but I regret it now it’s emotionally like you know I wish I didn’t do that to women it’s it’s kind of the reason that the dating Market is so bad everyone’s hurting each other you should try to be this a lot of guys ask me how to stop women from cheating or how to know it’s coming and the number one answer is just be this be give her everything that she needs and she’s going to be way less likely to look elsewhere again we assume that the other sex thinks the way that we do if a man has someone here we still will look at other women and and think well they look good but if a woman has someone here she’s going to be a lot less likely to look at other men at all if she initially thinks you’re here and over time she loses attraction then yeah she might look elsewhere if she initially thinks you’re here and over time you don’t treat her as well she might start looking elsewhere to or just leave but yeah there are a lot of indications of likelihood to cheat which I’ll talk about in a different video or you could just watch Mack and Murphy that’s his specialty but the number one thing you can do other than you know looking for those signs in her is be the best that you can so be these things so that’s it that’s every aspect of the chart and I’m done with it it is for sale on my link Tree in my bio as is everything else bye …