Be Irresistible, Click Here

If you like this episode you should also check out talk with Gabor Mate! Watch right here Today, …

Transcript

you have to be honest with yourself about why are you still here why are you holding on what’s really driving you you don’t feel like starting the process over with somebody else so even though you’re not feeling it with him you’re wasting your time the best-selling author and host the number one Health and Wellness podcast on purpose with Jay Shetty what are the signs that someone deeply loves you because I feel like we live in this world where we’re always wondering do they love me do they like me do they really like me are they really into me how do you know when you deeply love someone and when someone deeply loves you how do you even know so I’m gonna start with an answer that people probably won’t expect to me the first key is do you truly love them because look at it like this to me a lot of people get caught up in infatuation um they have unhealthy attachments they have different motivations to why they decided this is the person that I want and that can make them feel like they’re in love but to me true love flows both ways it’s not a one-sided thing so when you can say I I’m not into them like that if we look deep into that situation I can almost guarantee what we’ll find is infatuation attachment something else but when you can say no I feel it too I’m deeply in love with them I think that’s your first key because without that nothing else matters because a lot of people are choosing Partners based off of what they love me so much so I assume it’s safe here and this is a good choice to make but the safe choice is usually the wrong choice and a lot of these people select this individual thinking everything’s going to be okay but because you’re not really into them you can never be what they need and they were never truly what you needed which is why you never even got to that level with them so to choose them without first evaluating do you truly love them would not be wise yeah that’s that’s a great question and I think people struggle with that question too because I think we think of love as so many different things wrapped into one for example I could think I love someone because of how they treat me I could think I love someone because they have one quality that I really wish I had or I could love someone because I think that they’re out of my league and they give me a bit of attention yeah and so what we think is love is so complex and so wide that we never stop to ask ourselves like what does love mean like what’s the definition of love like how do I Define love so how do you define love and how do you encourage other people to create their definitions of Love well for me first off is always God is love and then when we take it from there love is about kindness compassion patience understanding a willingness to be selfless important to that individual but I think what’s also important for people to understand is when we’re trying to apply it to romantic relationships we have to understand that there’s other ingredients that are necessary before we can move forward so you could love someone dearly but if they are not emotionally ready because maybe they haven’t healed from their past maybe there’s still some things that need to work out in their life then it wouldn’t be time to move forward in a relationship with them and we have this bad habit of the minute we feel like there’s love there we want to move forward exactly and as you mentioned we can get caught up sometimes in but we love them because of what they do for us but what are you prepared to do for them love is about giving all right so we have to ask ourselves okay do we know what their needs are are we willing to fulfill those needs because if not maybe this wasn’t love maybe it just felt good in the moment maybe you got caught up in the hype and that’s okay it happens to almost all of us if not all of us at some point in life but we have to just be real very clear with ourselves about what’s really driving the intention right now but I think all those things I mentioned is what encompasses love of and that’s like the foundation of it and then from there we have to look at some other things to see how we can move forward so many times like you you convince yourself something’s love and what I find really interesting is that so many people fall in love too fast and no one wants to go for the slow patient understanding love which is what love requires you just said love is kind love is patient love is understanding those things take time I think those things take time to nurture and to to make sure that we’re doing it correctly for each other so it’s about learning each other’s Love Languages and how we make it work in within that Dynamic I think also because so many people are not used to dealing with emotions at on that level being that vulnerable people mishandle it all right so it takes time for us to get to a place so we understand how to manage this and work through this however I think that I’m a huge believer in connection and I believe connection is like your spirit recognizing its match and it’s very instant when you speak to couples who said they experience a connection they’ll tell you first conversation first time meeting first date first week it was pretty fast so to me the the recognizing of something deeper being here can happen very quickly but how we now cultivate that and how we move forward is where we need to take our time and make sure we’re not rushing and overlooking certain important issues that need to be discussed and addressed first to me it’s the understanding of chemistry versus compatibility and the idea that there needs to be a spark there needs to be a connection that I feel with someone like you’re saying on a deeper level but I find that I find that most people are not Adept and knowing whether the connection they feel with someone is deeper or physical yeah like I would say that it’s easy to it you can often feel a spark with if you meet a lot of people you can feel a spot with a lot of people but that doesn’t mean that they’re the right person to build a relationship absolutely right yes so it’s connection to me is a very rare occurrence right yes so I feel that people who’ve actually experienced it they can tell you maybe once in their life if you’re lucky two times maybe all right but it’s not this thing that happens with everybody whereas chemistry uh feeling of spark these things can happen with a lot of different people yeah so I do think there’s there’s this education that’s needed to understand how we differentiate these things so that we don’t confuse them because I see a lot of people take that chemistry and think oh this is it this is the one it’s like but you had chemistry with the last five people why is this one the one and not them so I do think we have to be careful with that yeah I think so so we’re on the same page there’s three things there’s connection on the deeper level there’s chemistry which is like the spark on a more superficial level and then there’s compatibility which is like what makes get lost and I can relate to that with my wife I definitely felt so I I’m one of those people who I kind of knew from the first few moments when I met my wife before she was my wife was like I was like yeah this is my person like I felt that way yeah for sure I felt that connection and there was chemistry there too but it had to be turned into compatibility in order to create a long lasting relationship we’ve been together for 10 years we’re still learning building going through everything but that was a big part of it so that I can get behind is do you see it that way too or is there something different in so how do you see it believe it or not I used to make compatibility the least important but that was because I was looking at it the wrong way once I kind of looked at the definition again and compatibility is about two people coexisting in harmony yeah then I was like okay no you you have to have that I just I got caught up more so in like let’s say a dating site says okay we’re gonna decide who’s compatible so I view compatible as like an on the paper it looks good it’s supposed to match but you can have a lot of people who are supposed to be compatible and it doesn’t work absolutely so I think that it’s compatibility is that add-on once we have the connection and the chemistry now we have to create that Harmony which is the compatibility yes I agree with you and and it is interesting how that word compatibility is thrown around and you’re so right that compatibility on paper doesn’t mean compatibility in real life exactly and to me compatibility really has another word inside of it which is like adaptability and that deeper understanding of an individual where you know how much you’re willing to adapt around certain parts of the relationship but we’ll get to that I think a lot of people like you know and and that’s where we got into this conversation around what is slow a lot of people are waiting to feel like is this person wasting my time are they the one and so they don’t have a deeper connection maybe they had that spark of chemistry and now that’s kind of subsided how do you know if someone’s wasting your time how do you know if you’re letting yourself be used or wasted in that way so to me again I think it always starts with self and you have to be honest with yourself about why are you still here why are you holding on what’s really driving you because just use an example let’s say you’re a woman and the only reason why you’re holding on to this guy is because he’s a nice guy you don’t feel like starting the process over with somebody else so even though you’re not feeling it with him you figure let me try to make it work you’re wasting your time this is where you’re setting yourself up for disaster every single time so if it’s not born out of a true connection love a genuine desire you really like this individual of course there’s always things we have to work through but is the foundation strong enough for us to say okay we can make something special here and I think once we are honest with ourselves that kind of helps answer the question because sometimes we get so caught up trying to animal lies the other individual that is like we get in our heads and now we’re missing the mark on what’s really important here and we can’t always say for sure what’s going on with them I will say that in general if this person isn’t willing to talk about things they’re wasting your time if they’re not willing to address or correct things that have been talked about they’re wasting your time if you guys aren’t on the same page about what you want and where you want to go in life wasting time so there are some things I think we can just look at and say listen this is pointless here but a lot of times and I have to say this especially for women women’s intuition is extremely powerful I’m a huge believer in it and I feel like women know very early this isn’t it but they rationalize reasons to convince themselves to give this man a chance and this again is a waste of time because it just doesn’t work I’ve seen people turn what should have been maybe a couple weeks of dating into years of being married to someone they were not happy with all because they did not listen to themselves from the beginning they knew what it was but they just could not accept it for what it was yeah and I love that point on intuition it’s almost like when a relationship finally ends a lot of us think to ourselves I knew they weren’t right yeah like I knew it I knew that they weren’t the one but you just didn’t listen to that part of yourself yes so so let’s break it down for people let’s help people out we started talking about three very important words connection which you defined chemistry which we’ve defined in compatibility which we’ve defined how do people know the difference between connection and chemistry when they meet someone because I find that the science shows that you’re experiencing dopamine and cortisol at the same times you’re experiencing the reward chemical and stress chemical at the same time which gives you that chemistry feeling which is the feeling of butterflies in your stomach or like do they like me are they into me what should I wear that kind of feeling but then you’re talking about a deeper connection how do you hear the difference because I think a lot of us just get swept up in the feeling of I’m So Into that person they’re so into me how do you know so I think one is are you even being yourself or can you be yourself with this individual if if you’re presenting your representative then this is not a real connection this is them falling for that person that you’re presenting but that’s not real so to me you have you should be already being yourself but with that person you have a connection with it’s a more natural flow we don’t have to force it we just feel so much more comfortable around them I think in addition to that is when you when you find yourself all caught up in the moment and caught up in that chemistry again you have to ask yourself what am I really attaching myself to what about what do I really like about this individual what I find is that when it’s really about chemistry we’re still on the surface you don’t really know about them yet you just know you guys had a good time maybe you had fun at this event you guys were able to talk about a lot of different things which is great which is gonna also be important if there is a connection however do you even know what college did they want do you know what kind of Life they want to live you know are you guys really on the same page I think connection is our paths align our purpose is align so for us to align we have to have a deeper understanding of where we’re headed and can we head there together so so that’s why I think though you may feel it or you may feel like you’re feeling it you have to do your due diligence to dig deeper to find out okay is this just I got caught up on the surface or there is something real here yeah and I think once we ask enough questions because I think that’s the other big problem we have this experience where we feel this chemistry we’re so excited and now we’re afraid to ask questions because we don’t want to blow up the fantasy yes you know what I’m saying we’re just like no no I want to keep believing this is great so let me not ask anything let me not run this person away let me not rock the boat but that’s going to be what tells us if this is real or not yes I think you’re I think you’ve hit on something there like we’re so scared of losing someone that we’re okay with not asking important questions and discovering important truths that actually define whether this relationship is going to last absolutely and that is ultimately going back to your point earlier that is ultimately you not being yourself right you’re losing yourself scared that you’re going to lose the other person so you’re okay with not being yourself do you think it’s ever okay this is a funny question I think but I have to ask you because I think it’s a healthy discussion do you think it’s ever okay to present different sides of yourself in order to attract someone or do you think that you’re ultimately setting yourself up for failure in a relationship almost like I think a lot of people they may not become someone completely different but I think a lot of people are like oh I’m gonna show my smart side because it will attract this person or I’m gonna show my this side because they’re like that are you saying any of that kind of molding is unhealthy or do you think there’s room for that I think anything that is not sustainable is unhealthy so look at it as if I’m a man and I’m meeting this woman I want to impress her so I’m like okay I’m gonna try to spend all my money take a nice five-star restaurant all these things but deep inside I prefer a more simple lifestyle you know I don’t like all that extra stuff okay that’s horrible that’s a sale for disaster that’s unhealthy because you can’t sustain what you’re presenting to that individual that’s gonna draw them in so whatever it is another like common example is you’ll have women who love to communicate they want to be able to talk to you every single day but because they’re afraid of coming off a certain kind of way they’ll hold back on their communication so now they’ll make it seem like they’re okay with talking every now and then we don’t always have to text and then this guy falls for that he falls for this low standard I won’t call low standard but not having such a high expectation of him when it comes to communication then he finally gets with the woman her true self is going to come out at some point no one can suppress their true self forever it comes out and now it’s like what is this I did not sign up for this now we’re fighting now we’re stressed because you want him to call you more he was used to you not being worried about it so much that’s why it’s going to always not work out so it’s extremely unhealthy unless we’re presenting a side of us that is truly us and we can sustain it you’ve hit on something again that that at the beginning of relationships we often display unrealistic standards and we set those yes and then when things shift and now you’re back in reality again the other person’s like but wait a minute I thought you were really into me and I even went through that with my wife when we first met I was able to spend pretty much every day with her because I didn’t have a job and so I was looking for work I was applying I would go see her at her College every day and I would spend the day with her and I’d be in the library applying for jobs while she was studying yeah and I could see it every day and I think I saw every day potentially for like six months maybe every single day five days a week at least and then when I got a job that wasn’t the case anymore because I was at work now and I’d set this unrealistic expectation that we could see each other all the time and even in the beginning I would see her all the time because I’d spend time with her family but we wouldn’t spend time with my family because I hadn’t told my family yet and so now that my family knew we were trying to split the time and all of a sudden it was like wait a minute we used to spend time at my house and so even in little things like that it took a bit of adapting because I’d set a false standard in our relationship and then thankfully my wife was adapting and she understood and she got it and it was fine but I think for so many people you set unrealistic expectations in who you are yes and that’s hard to come back from absolutely yeah and that’s why it’s so important for us to know who we are so that we can present the real from the jump you know because again A lot of times people you know this idea that we’re always changing yes I do think we’re always evolving but some of the big shifts that you see are is not because that’s just the way life is it’s because you did take the time to figure yourself out first and then you got with this person and now you want them to adjust now thank God for you she was able to adjust but there’s a lot of people that they can’t handle that yeah and now everything falls apart from there so that’s why yeah we have to be very careful with what we’re presenting from the beginning yeah it’s I I agree with you on that that we think people change but actually they just start to understand themselves exactly they went from being completely unconscious about who they were you met an unconscious version of a person yeah and now you think they’re changing but they just became conscious of who they are absolutely and but the thing is Stefan as you know like Society doesn’t encourage that time of getting to know yourself right when you’re young you’re not trained in how to think about who you want to be you’re trained in thinking about what you want to I do it’s about your job it’s about your career you’re not thinking about who you are as a human being or as a person so how do we in this Society where understanding who you are is not clear it’s not encouraged where where does one start or where have you kind of found great insights in trying to discover who we are I would love to see more parents encouraging their children to explore how they’re feeling about who they are like what I have found is a lot of people who let’s say I I had one client where she wanted to be an actress when she was a little kid uh but parents kind of push in a different direction now she’s like a social worker but her desire is still to be an actress like the things that they they wanted to do they they want to do as an adult now you can find back in their childhood in a lot of cases so I feel like too many people have stifled their children’s growth in certain areas with limited ideas of well this can’t make money or this wouldn’t be a good look for the family or whatever the case may be it’s like no let them walk in it and see for themselves if that’s really where they belong outside of that for me I think the big thing is getting in tune spiritually I’m just a huge believer in that I feel like me finding myself was when I went into what I call my Wilderness period I kind of just shut everything off that I was doing because I used to be all over having fun partying all these different things things and then God kind of slapped me upside my head and I had to like really pull away from everything and go deeper from within and it felt like a process of breaking me down to build me right back up and that’s when I start to see things clearer because what I realized is the world is filled with distractions and it’s the distractions why we can’t see ourselves for who we really are if we simply shut off the distractions long enough you will learn a lot so even if someone just took a year off don’t worry you know limit the TV you’re watching limit the music you’re listening to limit all the internet stuff just really go deeper within yourself spend more time alone spend more time you know thinking and processing you will learn a lot because again a lot of it is it isn’t a problem of we don’t know ourselves we are not aware and we’re not willing to accept and once we allow ourselves to do those two things become aware and then accept it we become free yeah I I mean I agree with you I think that I’ve always been a big proponent of solitude to understand who you are because as soon as you have another person you now have another person’s opinions you have to filter yes as soon as you have another person in front of you you have another person’s judgments to filter and so now you can’t even say what you truly think about something because you’re constantly thinking what does that person think about me and my beliefs and so understanding your beliefs in solitude allows you to be really clear about what your values and beliefs are and and that’s what it’s there for I think when people get into if we switch to compatibility again the idea we talked about the difference between connection and chemistry but compatibility is really interesting because a lot of people believe that relationships should be hard and they require hard work and a lot of people believe relationships should be easy and everything should just flow where have you kind of discovered your lens on that Spectrum so okay there’s a there’s a couple ways to look at it I think that most relationships and I’ll even be more specific most relations that involve connection and true love are typically hard not because relationships have to be hard but because most people have been hurt by something in their life are holding on to past traumas haven’t resolved it once they meet this individual that they feel so strongly about it is scary this is where things get difficult it’s the difficultness in how do I handle this how do I manage this you’ll have people feel like they’re losing themselves but they’re not losing themselves their true self is coming out and it’s it’s the self that’s been hiding behind that wall they’ve been using for quote-unquote protection but I always say the same module to protect you the same as blocking your blessings so now they’re being pulled from behind it it’s it’s makes them feel some kind of way and again people start to mishandle things you also have situations where people are getting bad advice like I’m gonna give one example um there’s this uh book called The game by Neil Strauss I don’t know if you ever read that book yeah it was great Neil you know you you answer that world to pick up artistry we learned it and he was great with the women but then once he found that woman that he fell in love with all that stuff doesn’t work anymore so you have a lot of men being taught how to handle women in general but they don’t understand that’s not how you handle the woman you truly love and so now again you have individuals who though they are truly in love with this person they constantly mishandle it with bad Guidance with fear and all these things this is what makes it hard and and I even think that a lot of times the people who are supposed to be together sometimes will have the hardest time getting together but I believe that once we’re able to conquer that part of it and actually come together it’s not hard yes it takes work I believe we have to be conscious and mindful of how we treat our partners how we show up being willing to listen but I think it’s so much easier to do those things with someone you have a connection with and you’re truly in love with it’s gonna always feel ten times harder when you’re in the wrong relationship and I would argue the vast majority of people are in the wrong relationship that’s why they’re seeing it be so difficult and when you see this whole it’s easy typically it’s easy because you have two people who are not digging deeper they’re they’re trying to write out that chemistry we talked about earlier for as long as possible all right so yeah it seems like it’s great it’s easy no issues but it doesn’t really work like that because they’re just not facing the reality of the situation so I think we we have to understand that there is going to be some bumps in the road because of all the things that people have been through but once we’re able to come together and we know this is our partner this is who we want to share our life with it can get so much better yeah and do you do you think that people have just been given generally the wrong education on how to deal with another person in their life 100 yeah because unfortunately a lot of individuals are giving advice from a bit or hurt place there and and they’re trying to disguise it as I’m just looking out for you no you you have inhaled and you cannot properly guide them in a positive and loving Manner and I think that a lot of people you know I always say it’s funny how we’ll spend a lot of time getting educated for the for the sake of our careers and business but we don’t do the same for relationships and yet relationships arguably are even more important than that career business and even if it’s not a romantic relationship just relationships in general your ability to coexist with others connect with others is extremely important if you want that business to succeed you have to learn how to establish business relationships there’s no way around it so we have to learn how to talk to people listen to people you know what I’m saying and just make make things work when we come together with other individuals so I definitely think that we’re just lacking in a lot of education and again too many because there’s so many voices on the internet now there’s just so much bad advice being given and and the individuals giving it they may be giving like let’s say 80 of the advice is accurate but it’s that 20 that’s completely off that can derail everything and that’s the stuff that people are gravitating to and this is causing a lot of problems can you give us some example of some of the like not specific people or anything like that I just mean like could you give example of bad advice and what about it is bad or unhealthy for people to try and put into practice okay so one thing I heard recently was an individual told uh said some of the best advice you can give to men is to not fall in love you know basically just find a woman you want to be with and kind of keep it there the reason why I view that as horrible advice is because you sit down with any man who’s lived enough life they will all be able to say there’s been at least one time they fail deeply for a woman all right the problem isn’t falling deep before a woman the problem is we don’t know how to handle it once we get there the problem is because we’re not accustomed to handling and processing our emotions a certain kind of way and being this vulnerable we don’t understand what’s going to be required of us in that moment we also kind of lose sight of because I’m a big believer in masculine and feminine energy and I believe that if she was attracted to you because of that masculine energy that you give off and now you become this emotional wreck because you don’t know how to handle all these feelings you have for her well you start to become less attractive to her and it’s not that it’s not fixable it’s fixable but again a lack of understanding and awareness derails the situation so rather than telling men don’t fall in love because it’s inevitable let’s teach them how we walk in love how we make what I call Loving in your masculine how you maintain that energy and still be able to pour into that woman in a way that allows relationship to flourish yeah and how does that work when I think obviously a lot of people in that example that you’re giving if if the person is attracted to someone because of their masculine energy but at the same time they want them to be empathetic and compassionate and kind which are generally seen as more feminine energy how does that person balance the two or is that is that not how you’re explaining is that no it’s about balance so we have to understand we all have masculine and feminine of course within us I’m a Believer in one must be your dominant energy the other is the one you tap into when necessary so as a man you can walk in your masculine and in those moments tap into those things but you can’t just stay there all the time all right you can’t just become this needy emotional God that’s not going to work in the vast majority of cases and so what happens is there’s this messaging that’s being thrown out there that women don’t like good guys I don’t believe that’s what it is I believe that women become less attracted when you don’t know how to exude and walk in your masculine energy it’s and and we’re hiding behind the label of good guy you can be a good guy and still exude masculine energy and that’s the thing and we also think that oh they like bad boys no if you look deeper it’s really the masculine energy that that quote-unquote bad boy exudes but what they desire is a mixture of both the same way that we would want a mixture of both we would want a loving sweet woman family woman whatever or and if you’re a guy who wants a mask and woman cool but you don’t want her to be just that you know you want her to have the ability to tap into that other side when necessary I think we all desire that balance in our partner and I think it’s healthy and if we just learn how to maintain it and how to nurture it we would see greater success in relationships yeah what are some of the skills with with mastering that energy that you think we’re missing out on and balancing that energy and knowing when to be which and because the reason why it’s hard is I think we live in a binary world right like you feel like you have to choose like you’re either a bad boy or you’re a good girl you are a doer or you’re a thinker you’re uh winner or you’re a loser right like we think like that and some people go okay you need to be masculine or I can be feminine and I I definitely relate to what you were saying like I believe that there is a lot about me that is massively masculine in energy using that language and terminology my drive my ambition how I work my strategic mind and at the same time I consider myself to have a lot of great feminine energy and qualities where it comes to like empowering others and nurturing and the ability to hold deep compassionate space and be empathetic which are all powerful qualities for for everyone right Beyond gender they’re powerful qualities and I appreciate and it’s taken a long time to know when to be which and it’s still and I still make mistakes right there’s still sometimes like I should have been more assertive I should have been more affectionate so we live in a world that finds it hard to hold two opposing ideas at the same time yeah we don’t know how to do that in any sphere of life let alone within ourselves so what are some of the skills that we can learn in order to nurture both those energies in a healthy way inside of ourselves so I think one it’s going to require a lot of if you’re already in a relationship it’s going to boil down to a lot of transparency and communication you know her if you’re that man trying to understand that woman and when you can walk in those two energies her being willing to be honest and open about you know what this was too much over here or I needed some of this over here and in time you’re going to become more aware and understanding it’s going to be like second nature to you you won’t have to overthink it and I think part of it is not overthinking it it’s kind of like being ourselves but understanding that we have to learn when this is doing too much and vice versa I also think that in reality for a lot of men especially uh when we’re talking about relationships and kind of losing that masculine energy the the underlying issue is fear all right when we become so afraid of losing this woman we lose ourselves and so a lot of men now fall into this very feminine needy space because they’re just afraid we have to learn that listen like to me I feel if your partner thinks you’re never gonna walk away from them no matter what they do you’ve lost that’s that’s a horrible place to be in we have to get to a place where we both understand that as long as we show up the way that we need to show up for each other we have each other’s back we will be here but neither of us will tolerate an unhealthy relationship and someone who blatantly does not want to work on making this better I would want my the woman I’m with to feel that way and I need to feel that way once we understand that and you have the confidence of I can walk away if I have to that shifts your energy right there in itself and now you don’t find yourself falling into that place where again you start to look a lot more unattractive or for some men they become yes men in their relationships thinking that makes her happy that’s turning her off she doesn’t want you to be her yes man she wants you to stand up for yourself sometimes give your opinion give your perspective she wants to be able to you know if anything be able to have discussions with you about these things not just you say whatever you want whatever you want whatever you want over time it becomes a problem so I think that once we conquer that fear once we create a space where we can talk about these moments and not feel some kind of way I think sometimes men are not they struggle with taking the criticism from their partner men and women we we all do when we feel when we have actual feelings for someone you know we don’t care about you it’s not as big of a deal but we’re emotionally invested we’re more sensitive to it but we have to understand that these criticisms are for the sake of making things better and strengthening this relationship so once we can get to that place it’s going to be so much easier to grow in it and then I think it’s just a matter of understanding that it’s this balance isn’t just for your relationship so look at it like from a sports perspective if I’m on a basketball team there may be moments where I need to take the lead and recognize all right everyone else is down someone needs to step up this is my moment and then there’s other moments where I realize okay let’s say we already have a team captain let me show them that I can follow serve do what needs to be done so that the team can win it’s just becoming aware of what the moment requires you know and again I think the more in tune we get the more in tune we get with ourselves and the more in tune we get with our partner the easier it becomes to find that balance that’s the challenge right the challenge is just how much patience we have with ourselves and others to realize that you walked into an imbalance unbalanced situation and now it’s like how much patience how much time are we going to give it to get to that because the challenge is I think we walk into a situation thinking it’s perfect whereas we should be walking into a relationship knowing it’s imperfect absolutely and we’re going to learn and figure it out together and I think that’s what sets us up for failure is because we walk into it going it’s perfect and deep down we know it isn’t but somehow we gloss over it whereas I find when I know we’re gonna fight when I know we’re gonna argue and I know there’s going to be disagreements that sets me up to develop the skills I need in order to navigate those things yes but if I assume like oh we’re never gonna fight and I always get that right we always meet someone who goes to I mean a friend who goes to me Jay we never fight I’m like how long have you been together because I don’t I don’t know anyone who never fights I get that no one has to get to like yeah the heights of fights yeah I did that I did that it doesn’t have to be a heated fight but I don’t know anyone who doesn’t disagree there you go all right right I think that’s important for people to understand yeah there’s a difference yes you have some individuals out there that’ll say arguing is normal it’s healthy and to me it’s like listen if we’re talking about arguing where we’re now Crossing disrespectful lines negative lines you know the way that we the tone we take with each other all these things that’s not healthy yes it may happen you should be prepared for that but it does let’s not normalize it just gonna keep doing this and it’s it is what it is but you’re right to to be with each other long enough and never have a disagreement that’s extremely rare okay extremely rare and I do think that again as you mentioned we have to be ready for those moments we have to understand and going back to how we find that balance especially as men and even for women it’s recognizing so for example if my partner is in a very heated moment let’s say she’s in her masculine right now all right she’s getting rough well meeting her with more masculine is probably going to only make things worse yeah this is the time for me to be compassionate go to her hold her calm her down bring her peace in that moment you see because it we need to balance each other out same thing on the flip side if I’m all heated and I’m I’m extra passionate and then my woman now comes with that same energy that’s it now where button has this is her moment to say no let me now be the one to soften the moment up bring that Sweetness in there and everybody calms down so it’s learning how to feed off of each other and recognize okay they’re over here let me bring it back over here and now we can work from that point and we’re both good the problem is that we all see compassion and sweetness and kindness in those moments as a weakness we don’t want to be that person because we see that as losing we see that as giving in we see that as us losing our power and strength in a relationship if we become the comforter or if we become the carer right like that’s that’s a perception that is the perception and we have to change that that is the power position so who is more powerful the person that lets the energy dictate them how they’re going to react or the person that brings the energy and dictates how they’re going to make this situation play out so if I’m coming in to calm it down and being all sweet because I’m trying to bring peace here I’m in the power position I’m not losing anything I’m gonna gain more peace and happiness and Harmony if I succeed in what I’m trying to do so we have to get out of that mindset of this makes us weaker and that is the big key of it that’s a big problem that for a lot of women who struggle with their feminine energy that’s a big issue where they feel that being feminine is weakness it’s what got them taken advantage of and got them hurt but I always say it’s not the feminine energy that’s the problem it’s who you give it to do they respect it did they honor it you know it’s the same thing as a man does she respect your masculine if she doesn’t then that might just be a sign you’re with the wrong person but don’t stop being that guy because the woman who’s best for you is going to need that in those moments that that’s exactly what it is is that when people have been their best selves for the wrong person that person brings out the worst in them yes right like when someone’s been their best loving kindness self but someone took advantage of it that person now thinks next time I’ve got to be aggressive I’ve got to be you know powerful I’ve got to be strong in this way and I feel like that’s kind of what most people are dealing with we know that is that you’re just dealing with a wounded version of someone yes not a healed version of someone but I think people struggle to trust again and again especially when they see the same patterns in the person they’re weird and I guess the question is why do we keep making the same mistakes because I feel like a lot of us keep dating the same people yeah and there’s a part of us that also just keeps closing off or being more wounded it’s almost like if you cut yourself you now walk around with your hand over that you don’t want to get cut again and then if you lead it off and it gets cut even deeper now you’re even more conscious of that and so I find that people are doing that where they’re closing their heart more and more because it’s been so misused and abused and I understand that I understand people don’t want to be abused and misused but I guess the question is how do people find people that they know respect them so that they can be their best version or be a better version of themselves so you know you can’t drive out Darkness with more Darkness you can’t expose someone who’s gonna hurt you by being someone who’s closed off and holding back yourself we have it’s kind of what we were just talking about we have to look at being vulnerable loving and open as not just well I’m setting myself to be hurt no it’s how you expose people faster if I come with that energy and you cannot respect it match it then I know you don’t belong here but if I hold back I give you a free pass to hold back so now we have two individuals who are hiding behind their walls because it’s comfortable there but you can’t really see what’s what do we really have in front of us those walls are blinding you and you can’t properly evaluate the situation so one we we got to get to a place of healing from our past so that we’re not just walking around with the hand over the cut no you you gotta let the cup breathe you gotta let it heal all right holding on put your hand on there is delaying the process and like you said all that’s gonna happen is when you finally take your hand off but you’re taking it off with the wrong person and you haven’t learned see what I want people to realize is your actions weren’t the problem meaning you being loving sweet kind compassionate wasn’t the problem it was the person separate those two things that you don’t stop doing the good things now granted are there levels to this to where we have to learn again if I’m thinking about a man if you got so deeply emotional to where you kind of lost your your masculine energy and you became very needy okay you can say all right I need to continue to be loving but I know I have to learn how to draw a line I have to learn how not to cross that moment and again you only crossed it because you were unhealthy to begin with you only cross it because you were afraid to begin with once you get to that place where you’re healthy and confident you won’t find yourself Crossing that line anymore yeah you won’t tolerate certain things anymore so we have to heal we have to be confident and we have to let our light shine so that we can expose what’s in front of us easier that’s a brilliant answer I I love the differentiation between how sharing your light is not the problem the person’s the problem because we yeah we start to doubt whether being a good person a loving person is actually what wins in the world yeah and the truth is that it does win but it has to win with someone who can receive it and absolutely hold that space with you and share that space with you and I find that a lot of people keep giving that energy to the wrong person because we feel we can make them better right like there’s this feeling of like I can change this person I can make them better I can heal them there’s some of us want to fix people yeah and that means we assume the person we’re with is broken and I think this is such a subconscious thing like if you’re always critiquing if you’re always picking at stuff with your partner chances are you don’t think they’re great like just now you think there’s some issues with them when you think that you can fix them and they’re broken tell us about that angle where now we’re almost we’ve talked about being the loving and kind person but sometimes we’re being the person that thinks we’re loving and kind because we want to improve someone but that person doesn’t want to improve one big problem is that what’s really driving people to pick that individual is that by being the one that can upgrade you improve you I have more value here by having more value I have a false sense of security you have to appreciate me you’re less likely to walk away you’re less likely to cheat because you’re lucky to have me I feel like I’m the prize here but those situations never really work because again you’re choosing someone that is not capable of pouring into you the way you need you’re basing this off of what you could do for them and that’s not sustainable and you’re choosing them because again you have more emotional control here what happens to so many people especially women it’s something that I call the unhealthy love cycle of women where women in their first love experience outside of any childhood trauma may have experienced they’re their most loving they’re just out there they go all the way in but that typically happens at a younger age at an age where men are not mature enough to handle those kind of emotions that level of commitment so on and so forth so she gets hurt after she gets hurt her moment is saying to herself I will never let this happen to me again so now the woman starts to consciously or subconsciously choose men who are I don’t want to say lower than hurt but essentially a man who does not take her there he’s good enough to be with but I’m not that vulnerable with him he can’t hurt me like that first love hurt me and so that Dynamic usually leads to picking that person I can fix I can make better who will appreciate and respect me but again it doesn’t work out and many times you’ll see these same situations the guy will move on to cheat on her not because and I have to say this because some women think yeah he’s just being a man no not because he’s a man but because you chose a man that you could never be the woman that he needed and he could never be the man that you needed once he kind of either gets what he needs from you to build himself up or the Smoke Clears from him being infatuated with you he starts to realize I’m not getting everything that I desire and now you building him up has brought him more attention from other women so now the the difference between what you’re not giving him and what someone else is willing to give him becomes way clearer now the Temptation gets way stronger and he ends up doing something or she ends up cheating as well because he’s safe but he doesn’t fulfill her he doesn’t satisfy her he he doesn’t excite her in any kind of way and that’s why I always said earlier like the safe choice is almost always the wrong choice but that is a function of people trying to choose these fix or uppers because they think it’s going to give them some leverage there it’s leverage that’s it yeah it’s leverage yeah how do you know when it’s time to go like how do you know when it’s like I feel like this is a common question where it’s like how do you know when it’s just I’ve tried everything we’ve tried together tried our best maybe we went to therapy maybe we got a coach or maybe you know maybe we didn’t do those things how do I just know that I feel like I need to go but I’m scared of being alone yeah I’m I’m scared of dealing with the reality that I put in a lot of energy and I feel like you said this earlier but a lot of people stay in something for a lot longer than they should because they’d rather not be alone yes they’d rather not face reality they’d rather not lose two years of their life they’d rather lose two more thinking that this this should stay like how do you know when it’s time to go let me first say this yes I think I think Society needs to change their thinking as far as Letting Go doesn’t always mean it can’t work out later it’s just that it cannot work out under these circumstances all right because some people say well I feel like they’re the one okay maybe they are but maybe the time is not right and it’s letting go that will allow you both to do what needs to be done in your own personal lives that would allow you to come back together and have something way more amazing so that’s number one thing to consider but outside of that it’s when one if that person is unwilling to put in the work necessary it’s time to go there’s like so many times I’ll I’ll have a video go up about communication and someone will comment saying I’ve tried talking to him and he doesn’t want to talk to me and in my head I’m like why are you still with them if he refuses to talk to you you’ve already tried there’s nothing else to do but people will let it Linger on and continue why they can why they consistently complain or unhappy about this specific issue it’s not gonna magically get better they’re not gonna just change it just because all of a sudden they see oh it needs to change no if they’re fighting it now they have no reason to change it and what people have to understand you know especially with this whole trying to fix people up healing and facing your traumas is one of the hardest things for people to do so if they already have you in their life they’re essentially getting the incentive or the benefit of relationship without having to do the deeper work it’s almost like if I’m at a job and the job says you need to have a master’s degree to work here but we’re going to hire you anyway and give you time to get that master’s degree if getting that degree is super hard to you you’re gonna drag that out as long as possible yeah you may never get the degree until they fire you when they fire you and you realize oh my gosh if I don’t do this I’ll never get this person back I’ll never get this opportunity back now they might go and get it because it’s very tough to walk down the path of the healing process so if they’re not willing to work on it you guys have already discussed it and I think that’s a big thing because there’s a lot of relationships that end and the couples don’t even know what the real issue was so the communication they’ll say well we talked about no you guys argued you guys lashed out there wasn’t a clear communication as to what the problem was what is expected how do we go about this if you’ve done that and I believe one of the most effective ways to do that is through a letter because I feel like verbal communication of deep issues and concerns they typically don’t go well you know people get distracted they forget what they want to say the other person gets defensive they’re not they’re listening to rebuttal not to understand but when there’s a letter involved it gives you time to get everything out you can you can evaluate your tone leave no stone unturned and now they have an opportunity to process it on their time to really take it in and then you guys can come together and discuss the letter and now it’s so much easier to stay on point and get everything covered if we’ve done that and they’re still unwilling or there’s still no progress It’s Time to Go yeah that’s great that’s great advice and I for me that’s the biggest one it’s like you can’t make something last if only one person’s working on it you can’t keep hoping and waiting and wishing and and like you said that ending doesn’t mean forever and often I found that two people need to grow individually to be able to grow collectively and we’re forcing growing together so hard but we need space to grow and if you can’t grow together chances are you need to grow apart in order to see whether you grow together again or grow for someone else and all of those options are okay but we put so much pressure on people to grow together that they grow apart yeah and actually if they chose to grow apart and grow separately they could come back together if they learn the lessons and I think that’s a mistake too though sometimes people think I’m gonna go learn this lesson for this person I meet a lot of people they’re like okay they broke up with me because I wasn’t XYZ now I’m gonna go become XYZ to win them back yeah and I always find I’m just like well no you should go become XYZ if you think you were missing XYZ but not to win them back because you don’t know what they’re gonna do what’s your take on people trying to win people back so I 100 agree with you like if we’re trying to learn or grow it needs to be for the benefit of who we are and just whoever we deal with so was almost like if I was a bad Communicator in this relationship I shouldn’t learn to better communicate for that person I need to better communicate for whoever I’m going to be with if you can’t see it in that light then maybe you’re looking at the wrong thing my thing is this I think it all depends on what the details of the situation was what led to the breakup what were you overlooking what was missing are these fixable issues because a lot of people are trying to win back someone where the issues are not resolved so it’s like what’s the point of going back we’re just going to go in the same cycle all over again they’re letting this idea of I miss them I don’t want to be without them blind them from the fact that you two did not get along well or you two don’t want the same things or YouTube just whatever it is maybe there’s a lack of sexual satisfaction I don’t know why I feel the need to mention that but it happens a lot of times you have to stay focused on what led to the end and can this be corrected if it can cool but as you mentioned listen correcting it does not guarantee you they’re coming back and even if they will come back you don’t know when they may need so you may have figured yourself out in six months they might need a year and I would argue if you guys are truly meant for each other and at the end of the year you need a year too you’re just overlooking some things and you’re rushing the process because you want to get back to them yeah it’s I’ve never found a situation where it was truly only one person who had problems and the other person was squeaky clean no no you thought you were but you got some stuff too you needed to correct of course so I think we have to be honest with ourselves and just keep striving to be better and rather than focus on winning them back just become the best you because if you do and there’s a true connection there the opportunity will present itself again and you too will be able to make something of it and the struggle is that when people finally make that decision to break up or let go the study showed that the parts of your brain that are activated in a breakup are the same as detoxing from cocaine right like you’re literally trying to detox so you can have a craving yeah for someone that’s bad for you yeah or also it says that the areas of the brain that are activated in a breakup are the areas that are the same with physical pain so if someone like punching the stomach the reason why we say like my heart feels broken is because it literally feels like something’s broken yeah so when you’re going through a breakup when you’re feeling the craving to be with that person again studies show that eight over eighty percent of people are looking at what their exes are doing on social media right probably through a Finster account or whatever but you have to you have to know what are some of the healthiest tips that you’ve given to people and the people that you’ve worked with that have genuinely helped people move through a breaker the first thing is to ask yourself again why was I even there why am I holding on to this individual again I think sometimes we get so blinded by just the experience or our desire to have this person for whatever reason that we Overlook what was really missing or why this could not work anyway what you’ll also find is and I’m sure there’s probably a study on it where if you if they broke up with you you ever see a situation it happens on TV a lot where the person could be like okay I’m gonna break up with my partner they’re planning on it they’ve been practicing in their head right it took them a couple weeks to muster up the strength they’re about to do it and then the partner breaks up with them yeah now it’s oh my gosh I gotta get them back yeah so it’s like you just forgot this whole time that was your plan yeah it just gave you the past to do it but now because we don’t like to be the one being let go of now we’re fighting hard to get it back yeah so we have to really not fall into these little traps that happen to us as human beings our brains just playing tricks on us or something where we confuse these emotions for oh my gosh I must really love them or even like you said you go into that detox and because you miss I always tell people no matter how bad the relationship was there’s always good moments so if you’re trying to break free you can’t just let your brain focus on the good moments you have to remind yourself why this doesn’t work but if you keep focusing on the good you start to make yourself think oh because I missed this good moment I must miss them and there’s this quote that says sometimes you’re not missing the person you’re missing the feeling so you’ve got to be able to differentiate those two things so getting back to how we get over these breakups is recognizing why were we really there to begin with you know could this actually work the next thing is you know I’m a huge believer that a lot of times a breakup is a blessing in disguise even if there is a chance that you two can work together or this is the one for you you may have needed this time to re-evaluate and get things in order something is obviously wrong even if you it may be something as deep as because I’ve seen situations where everything was going amazingly well on the surface and the person broke up with them let’s say the woman lets go of the man so to the man that’s really confusing but what it was is that that woman she had not healed from her past relationships and this relationship being so good was scaring her and what happens is the the better you are the scarier it becomes for her she’s looking for something to be wrong she has to validate her fear somehow wow when she can’t find it she’ll either sabotage the relationship or she’ll run from it So to that man it may seem like this is so unfair which yeah it sucks but if this woman didn’t break up with you now you were inevitably gonna face this same ending but at a worse time yeah all right this is still best that is happening now at least if she can go do what she needs to do there’s a chance for this to come back around later but it’s hard for us to see it in the moment so I think just really we also have to focus on our healing whenever a breakup happens the mistake we make is that we think it’s about healing from the breakup no it’s healing from everything you’ve been through you’ve probably been sleeping under the rug your childhood trauma for years maybe the last two three relationships whatever it is so and and not healing from those things is contributing to your struggle to get past this breakup and contributing to why you even chose this person to begin with I’m a huge believer that if you haven’t healed you are 90 likely to choose the wrong person yeah it’s just too difficult to pick that person that you truly love and can truly love you and accept that level of vulnerability when you have still not resolved your past traumas and past hurts yeah so to me that’s the next big thing is just focus on your healing process because in that process you will also be able to see more clearly if this is really for you or not like walking around unhealed is like walking around with broken glasses you you can’t see straight no matter how hard you try but healing will clear up your vision really really fast and now it’d be like oh wait a minute I didn’t belong there yeah you know thank God the broke breakup happened you know now I’m in a better place I move forward so to me I think and I would say in addition to those things is just have an accountability partner whether that’s friend coach therapist someone that can help keep you in check help remind you what you need to do someone that you know you have to talk to and update what’s going on so you feel like okay I don’t want to come back so I’m saying I’m doing the same thing over and over again it doesn’t guarantee success but it helps it helps move the needle some so I would highly encourage that that one mindset you spoke about that that changes everything and it hit me today I was just thinking if we were just able in a moment to recognize that something painful now was going to be good for us in five years time that would change so many things in our life yes but we’re so poor at dealing with current pain yeah even if it means future joy that we just can’t accept that I have to go through this like in everything right like knowing that someone breaking up with you just saved you 10 years of a wasted life is so much more than knowing you’re gonna have to go through a few months of pain and 10 months of pain maybe it’s a bit longer maybe it’s two three years but we just have to get our head around that that sometimes the best things that happen to you are protecting more of your life than the pain that they’re causing you need the Peace of knowing I did what I needed to do that’s it yeah because anytime you feel like well maybe I could have done this but I could have done that leaves the door open for doubt do it well exactly so it’s like and that’s why I’m such a big believer in you know there’s people who say well once they’re done they’re done they’ll just move on and I’m like no no Express Yourself get everything off your chest because you don’t need anything to linger and you questioning well what if I did this different no make sure speak your full piece and now you can say all right I did what I had to do it is what it is I move forward and I mean it makes it easier it may not make it a hundred percent you know not an issue whatsoever but it’s gonna be easier and also also for me that’s why like my relationship with God is so important because that’s where I find my peace in dealing with a situation that doesn’t work out the way I want to I always tell myself okay if this isn’t working out God has something better for me you know if this is happening right now there’s a purpose because I know if I followed his guidance throughout this process there’s no need for me to question why is this the current outcome there’s a reason for this and I’ve been through these things enough times to see as you mentioned the reward is going to come it may come next week it may come years from now it will come and I’ll be able to see how it all connected yeah Stefan it’s been incredible talking to you man this has been such a great back-to-back flowing conversation uh we end every on purpose episode with the final five which is like a rapid fire which means every question has to be answered with one word to one sentence maximum okay so here are your final five the first question is what’s the best relationship advice you’ve ever received or heard or given it is to love fully lovefully and be yourself because as I said earlier that’s how you will expose quicker who is for you and who isn’t for you second question what is the worst relationship advice you’ve ever heard or received get under someone to get over someone [Laughter] uh question number three uh how would you define your current purpose in life is to serve the people and help heal hearts and help individuals experience happier healthier relationships question number four what’s something that you used to think was important in relationships romantic relationships but you no longer think is important I don’t know if I would say it’s what I thought it was that important but I I do think I can talk about it now is the woman’s financial position where I think once upon a time I may have put more weight on that when I was a lot younger and really because that’s what society and family told me was important but now to me and and I can say it because I’m successful that financial position is not what’s important to me it’s the love it’s the the environment in the household all these things I mean of course I want her to pursue her purpose and her passion but what she has financially doesn’t move the needle at all got it all right and then Fifth and thank you for opening up and sharing that Fifth and final question if you could create one law that everyone in the world had to follow what would it be the one that’s coming to mind is you must be honest if we eliminated lying and deceit oh my God like this world would be so much better yeah so just you have to tell the truth yeah that would be an amazing one yeah Stefan it’s been amazing speaking you today I hope you come back on the show many times the book is out now it’s called love after heartbreak I’m sure each and every one of you can relate to having gone through heartbreak this is the book to have to find that love within yourself again to make sure you can love others make sure you go and grab a copy of the book we’re going to put the link in the show notes so you can go and order the book I highly recommend it please make sure you follow Stefan on YouTube on Instagram on tick tock on all the social media platforms please do tag me in him on the platforms you use with the insights that stood out to you the words of wisdom that he said that are going to stay with you and the ones that you’re bringing into your heart and life and the ones you’re sharing with your friends I hope you’ll pass this episode on to someone who needs it if you know someone who’s going through a tough time through a breakup if you know someone who’s single right now and needs to do some more healing or if you have a friend in your life who’s in a relationship but struggling this is the episode to send to them Stefan thank you so much for your time and energy so grateful to you definitely a pleasure pleasure’s all mine thank you man if you love this episode you’ll love my interview with Dr gabo mate on under standing your trauma and how to heal emotional wounds to start moving on from the past

Related Post