Be Irresistible, Click Here
hi everyone, welcome back to another healing diaries episode. In this episode, I talk about my fear of love and intimacy. In the …
Transcript
you’re loved due to how I have to get vulnerable I’m very scared of being hurt it’s because sometimes like when you grow up with certain people as a kid when you show your vulnerability to that person as a child it doesn’t end up well you get hurt instead and so now you just kind of apply that same logic to your friends which doesn’t make sense I know [Music] back to my channel this week for healing Diaries episode two we are going to be talking about my fear of love but at the same time I desire intimacy this is a issue that I’ve dealt with for the entirety of my life basically it’s why I’m in therapy I would trade a lot of things to get this fixed for those who don’t stand you might be what do you mean by like you fear love but at the same time you desire love I’m only going to be speaking about my experience and solely my experience I fear love due to how I have to get vulnerable for those who don’t know I’m a fearful avoidant it’s like I I crave love I really want love I’m both you know very anxious and also very avoided with it I remember in the past when I did have my talking stages it was always very mixed signals and I I’ve never dated anyone but I had had talking stages I never really went on a date I would say it’s usually like I would doubt any accent I’ll talk to these people it’s at the same time I wanted the attention right a validation almost whenever we talked I just realized I don’t want to meet up and I realize that the reason why I don’t want to meet up is because I’m very scared very scared of being hurt like I have so much love to get but in romantic settings I cannot do it because I always put my best self out there I put on this this mask and I really want to be liked but that’s not the real me because it might just be well you just you put the real you but the thing is that if I like someone I want them to like me so I’ll be extra nice extra you know extra extra but that’s not me consistently and then I get really scared I’m like this is not the real me and I create this version of meat that they like if I show them the real me they might not like me and that I feel like could be untrue because who knows me so on my like the real me I don’t trust people I really don’t it’s like I I feel like they’re gonna train me I feel like I do get into a relationship they might be trust issues and it’s just very exhausting to deal with and for those before you say anything I am aware of a red flag I’m aware that’s why I don’t date there’s another argument saying that you can’t wait to be perfect today you’re not gonna be a right time for you today and I get that and people are like sometimes you need to you can fix your issues through these relationships right like you get to know yourself better but at the same time it’s just sometimes I just feel like I just know what’s gonna go wrong I know what’s gonna go wrong so what is is the point of me even trying to like you know do this because I just feel it’s very unfair for other person or it might just be me making an excuse for me to just be safe and not date anyone right but it doesn’t slowly come down to dating it can come down to friendships as well maybe like because of my nature I guess I attract people who are similar to me like anxious avoidant attachment Styles I don’t do it on purpose it’s a weird thing because when you grow up in a certain environment you carry all those issues with you and then when you carry on those issues with you you attract the same type of people even though you don’t want to so it’s very [ __ ] up right I don’t want to attract those people and they’re not always always bad it really just comes down to that communication and vulnerability aspect of it and some examples that can be shown what with my desire to be connected to someone or just have that bond is how quickly I attached to someone especially with friends or a female we’ll just click really quick and I would be oh my god let’s play the last time let’s hang out hang out again and I realize I get a two attached to them way too fast without even really getting to know them so like I just wanted someone with me so bad to have that friend but I don’t understand them that well they probably think the same for me we both don’t know each other that well and then once I slowly get to know them I’m like okay they’re not who I think they are and usually it’s it’s fine if your friend is not compatible they have certain flaws everyone has flaws it’s up to you if you want to accept them or not usually like I’ll shut the flaws but there’s a trigger point there’s an issue there’s a conflict in my fear of vulnerability I I can’t communicate I can’t communicate what’s wrong and the same goes for them they cannot communicate what’s wrong and both of us will just not communicate what’s going on and now we’re just not talk usually for me I would do a really Petty thing I’ll just like you know unfold them on Instagram and just not talk to them I I don’t usually block people and usually when that happens um they just block me just don’t talk and there’s there’s no sort of conversation and to be very honest with this it’s a bad thing for me to do like it’s really bad like it’s like I shouldn’t just unfold I’m like I should talk to them at the same time my logic is just that they’re not saying anything to me why should I say anything to them sometimes I should be the bigger person I should say something but just so scary to me and you’ll be like what is so scary it’s because sometimes like when you grow up with certain people as a kid when you show your volume ability to that person as a child it doesn’t end up well you get hurt instead and so now you just kind of apply that same logic to your friends which doesn’t make sense I know but it’s just a defense mechanism it was a survival Instinct and now it’s like because as a kid you got hurt so bad when you show your vulnerability as an adult it’s like you just want to protect yourself and you just you just want to protect yourself like you just don’t want to open up and you feel it’s not worth it it’s not worth to go through that like emotional crisis that you did as a kid it’s like sometimes we have to learn that our friends are not our kegger we’re Guardians like they’re not going to treat us the same way yeah it’s just something very hard to unlearn especially when you’re dealing with another person who has an anxious or avoided attachment style both of you can’t come in so what is going on what what if you guys have to make the move and it’s it’s hard I I don’t even want to exaggerate like it just generally feels like a life or death situation like honestly my fear of being vulnerable significantly outweighs my desire to be loved I feel I have more to lose I feel like if there’s like one thing that they did and she’s like oh my God they’re gonna leave me they’re gonna abandon me they don’t want me they don’t care that much about me sometimes like when you break off from them you want that attention from them I almost want them to be hey don’t go let’s talk it out for me it’s like a very childlike like type of like tantrum almost I feel I feel bad about it like I’m like it’s a it’s a very big flaw of mine I’m an adult like I should I should be able to talk about this at the same time a part of me is also like I just want to break this off I just want to leave the situation I don’t want to talk about it at the same time you want to talk about something you don’t want to talk about it because it’s just it’s scary to be confronted with things and even now it’s like I get really scared of being confronted even now for me I think I’ve gotten better in past friendships like if something bothers me I would tell them I’ll text them being like hey that really bothered me it doesn’t really end up well either I feel like maybe I could award a better word softer usually when they apologize they’re like I’m sorry you feel that way this is a tip for people out there if your friend that you really care about said that hey this really hurt me you should never say I’m sorry you feel that way because it’s almost like you bear no responsibility what you’ve done instead you should say that I’m sorry I made you feel that way because it’s not about your intentions sometimes yes your intentions can matter but sometimes when you hurt another being the impact matters more than the intention even if you didn’t mean a bad intention laughs it negatively impacted them and it you did that right so you need to take responsibility of that I think I got some questions before like oh how did you get into the therapy but basically what happened was that extra friend of mine basically she did something really [ __ ] up it’s like I don’t hate her but it’s just generally even until this day I don’t understand why she did it I was supposed to house with this girl I had to ask her like like do you still want a house together next year and she told me out of the blue that she wasn’t going to do that she was going to house someone else and I’m like you could have told me because it’s late in the housing process because now I don’t have a place to live yeah and because of that that led me to a mental breakdown foreign that was when I booked therapy I was like I got too attached to this girl and it’s my fault I attached myself too much too much to her I didn’t think that I’ll be the type to go to therapy honest I just felt like it was not for me I would never do it and then here I am one year in therapy therapy honestly it really helps being vulnerable with a person is is very very scary to me them seeing you bear them seeing you naked basically like when I have arguments I feel very shameful I feel like now they saw a part of me that I don’t want them to see so my biggest flaws is that I’m very I’m not as patient to be honest I get annoyed pretty fast and if things don’t go my way I would get upset and it’s also due to like my own insecurities and if I get triggered I don’t communicate I’ll just I’ll just keep it in and then it would show because I felt like I don’t want to lead it to a bigger conflict even though at the end in reality it’s already leading to a conflict like sometimes I think about through my past friendships I generally just think that we just weren’t compatible some values weren’t shared and something that I actually talked to my therapist today was the fact that you can change people I feel like sometimes like when I can get close enough to a person I feel like I could change them I could show them a different perspective on things and that can give very exhausting and that could get really stressful because you feel like you bear the responsibility to change but let me tell you you have no responsibility to change people people don’t change that easily changing for a person is very very difficult you just need to accept the fact of who they are accepting does not mean approving I’ve had friendship’s word I had my own faults and I just felt like we which is not compatible sometimes I really do think that what if we just communicated what if we talked it out I I’ve done it a few times but at the end it’s still led to a Fallout these habits that you had as a child it’s hard to get rid of you know it takes time and it’s sometimes I’m just like when can I get better I feel like in some ways I’m still like a hopeless romantic being like oh maybe someday my person will be there and they would understand me but at the same time it’s just in reality of I constantly think of it as wasting time like I find it kind of embarrassing sometimes especially on the topic of romantic love I think maybe because I just haven’t seen that many real life healthy relationships to be honest I can see them on like social media I see really great romance stories in like anime and like um dramas TV shows as fictional right so yeah I just feel I don’t have much faith in it it’s also a part of me just really scared of going through the emotional side of a lot of my bad sides will come out if I date you know being clingy or you’re or wanting attention but those are my needs I feel like I need to accept that at the same time it’s just something I’m still of dealing with I feel like everyone changes and I feel like if I really do label myself I just feel like I am I’ll be scared to change you know I won’t live up to the label which is why I don’t like to label myself um because everything’s very fluid and especially with social media like people will come for you [Music] people just want to come forward me to a box which is why I stay unlabeled and sometimes you guys are like oh you might be like a romantic or something let’s just not do labels let’s just not label me okay these days I I’ve been working a lot on myself I try to not have fear consume me I tried to pick up all my hobbies and realize I deserve something I deserve to try new things I still have a hard time going about a relationship with other people because I’m just scared my insecurity just floods over me and I have this bad habit where like I sometimes just put people on a pedestal because I don’t understand them as much so I build this image of them once I get to know them it’s like I’m like oh my God they didn’t live up to a standard they’re a bad person XYZ they’re so bad see how [ __ ] up that is you see how weird that is let them be human and these days like I feel I’m getting better at like not attaching myself to people really quick I just want to slowly get to know them and sometimes I feel like because I start therapy a year ago I just sometimes I feel like have I changed have I like I feel like a lot of aspects of myself has changed where like I’m more accepting of my passions and my dreams I take a bit more risk I’m being more true to myself in some ways but lot of the flaws of myself has stayed consistent especially with the vulnerability with other people I really hope the comment section is not about to be okay we can date because I feel like whenever I talk about this I go I’ve never dated or I’m a fear of love there’s always some man in the comment that you’re so pretty to be single or they’ll take you on a date stop it just stop it stop it that’s not the point of the video I don’t want to see comments like that the fact is that I feel everything can coexist like I enjoy my alone time but at the same time I do want that human connection I just feel like I tend to attract people who are similar to me which can be a good thing but it can also be a bad thing it’s nice when you can help each other out but it’s bad when you guys both suffer from the same issues like vulnerability and communication none of you guys are really willing to take the first step and I want to change I generally do I really do want to change it’s just it’s hard it’s scary and I generally just want people to be patient with me it’s very hard because as a kid it’s just that when you get triggered you just want to immediately leave the situation right but um I need to slowly unlearn that right I need to get better that is it for my healing Diaries episode two why fear love hopefully this helps some of you guys it’s just something that I suffer through just generally wants you guys to know that you’re not alone those of you going through this this is something I’m healing from I wish I can stay here give you the advice and be like oh my God I’m like I can be totally vulnerable at people now but I can’t I haven’t I think at the end it’s just I just want to protect myself I just want to protect my inner child and I want to be emotionally stable and I find that to be the easiest one I am alone that’s it for this week’s video I hope you guys enjoyed it recently there has been um I saw that there was a Canada wildfire that happened there’s a lot of news on air quality in New York like it was really really bad I live in Boston the quality was bad as well I didn’t go out it just makes me really sad because climate change is real guys we should all do our part to protect the environment no matter how little that you’re doing it it still matters something just makes me really sad that Howard is slowly destroying our own home but yeah anyway I hope you guys all stay safe we are eating well and you guys are staying healthy I’ll see you guys all very very soon bye thank you [Music]