Dr. Cheyenne Bryant takes a seat on the yellow couch to share the meaning behind “High/Low Functioning” behavior.
for the last five years you’ve done the same thing you’ve never ever came home at 7:45 but this one time in 5 years you come home at 7:36 that’s 6 minutes later cuz you stop at the gas station didn’t text me say baby can to get gas real quick yeah you come in my abandonments in flame I flip out where have you been this is banana this is where I say by low functioning right you’re able to stay in your high functioning but you understand the low functioning so that your not judging me and you’re not staying high functioning which can be transactional at times and saying you’re tripping I’m pulling out this is too much for me so now what you did was you dipped down to the low functioning with me and now we both cannot function in this relationship hybrid means I need you to say high functioning go okay my baby my woman’s in this low functioning space because she’s honest and we are really intimate not sex the true intimacy which is vulnerability and knowing each other I know she has these abandonment issues I ain’t experienc them 3 years but this is the day it’s here yep baby listen I went to the gas station this is what I got and what I did let me pray over you let’s have a conversation about it what do you need in this moment for you to be good that part and in the 5 years we’ve been together three years the one year the two years you tell me one time I gave you a reason not to trust me there it is dear future wifey okay scripturally the Bible says your father has already designed and purposed you I experienced an invitation of God this morning so you got to become an elite decision maker Elite decision maker he said because you are one fleshly decision away from losing at all ested in my mind is what true submission to Christ looks like I got to maintain that secret connection I have with God I’m so full and don’t want to belabor this letter and and I understand how important it is for men to disciple men because if I didn’t have that I wouldn’t be where I am today I’ve I’ve traded uh worldly pleasures to live a god- centered life the encounter I just had I just need the rest in it help us to be considerate creative and courageous lovers I love you your future hubby welcome to dear future wifey podcast I’m your host l teras r withfield listen are you still shacking up with us if you’re still shacking up with us can we get a commitment hit that subscription button and subscribe make sure you turn on your notification Bell so you’ll be notified about upcoming episodes while you’re ated visit the description sign up for the mailon list and go ahead and join our patreon so you can see BTS of the podcast me on tour um and just get an inside look into the life of L Terrace R withfield it’s quite entertaining well this is a person I’ve been wanting to have on the podcast this woman has been going super duper viral um because she has a non nonsense approach when uh talking to anybody but the videos that’s been going viral is her interviews with uh Cam Newton and Nick Cannon uh because she going to keep it all the way real well today we’re going to turn the the conversation on her as we uncover her journey of love so without further Ado welcome to deure Wifey podcast my homie Dr Cheyenne Bryan how you doing K I’m so good L teras thank thank you for having me and thank you for having this platform um it’s you know it was destined for us to to be here and not just be here but also become friends yes right so how did we get here so first of all literally almost a year ago my fans were like blowing my DMs up like you need to be on dear future wife you need to do this and I was like okay well you know it’ll happen it’ll happen let it let it do its thing I was like reach out to him see how he feels and see if we know we can and then um recently with the Cam Newton um episode that went viral they didn’t just come in my DMs and flood they were literally on the stories tagging you tagging you like you need her on so I repost the tag and said okay well let’s see if if this is you know God will I said absolutely and you said let’s do it I said let’s do it and we got on the phone and talk for 5 hours we didn’t literally I was trying to watch a football game you were just trying to book the flight to get me here and we were on the phone for five for 5 hours chopping up getting all in your business but but with but with amazing conversation with a lot of of very similar and very different perspectives on things and a lot of emotional intelligence meaning we were able to just not agree with each other’s perspective but see it and have an understanding for it and then even you know from the airport we sitting up two three hours talking we’re like we got to go do the podcast tomorrow yeah yeah and what’s so dope about all of this is the fact that the reason why I wanted you on the podcast is because you do have an unconventional thought process when it comes to um what you desire in marriage what you desire in dating and um I’ve never heard that before and so I was like I love it when I get a chance to talk to people that open up my mind to say okay these are different perspectives um share with the people your background because not only are you a therapist uh but you know with the credentials of doctor preceding your name but you’ve been on some TV shows where you’ve actually uh exercised your career and and um your practice in real time on television on what shows yeah absolutely I’m a doctor of psychology I’m a psychology expert and life coach I developed and co-produced Teen Mom family reunion yep which is the biggest you know show on MTV our first season we got nominated as the best unscripted reality show on the network which is amazing absolutely congratulations thank you thank you so I did that and then went on to do a few other shows where I come on as the psychology expert and life coach as well and and um yeah and then I’m in private practice every day I’m on tour right now I’m on tour every single weekend for the next six months um not just only in the States but internationally we have Canada we have Nigeria uh we have London and we have a few others that we’re going to add to the date so and I have my book mental detox that I wrote about 10 years ago and it was a bestseller and I thought it was done being the bestseller and all of a sudden yeah it’s like revisiting being a bestseller and then I have my new uh coming out called uh the Wilderness and uh Wilderness wild what that about it’s about um did we use Moses Journey as a metaphor for it and him getting to the Red Sea and how it splits and once they get over the Red Sea where God hasn’t split on dry land and dry land is a metaphor for um nothing being left on your feet and so when you cross over there’s no residue um and so hold on hold on Dr sh don’t let me you’re a preacher you’re a preacher now no you know listen I I am just I I’m just here to do a job like I told Cam I’m just here to provide expertise but when they cross over on dry land um I believe right from my interpretation of it that the land is dry so that on your feet there’s no residue and you’re able to to to uh uh you know come across the Red Sea and have this renewed mindset and the reason why he closes up the Red Sea on the Egyptians is so that um you can’t go back and uh I talk about the Wilderness being that they cross the Red Sea meaning there supposed to be free now but because when they got there instead of them being grateful and saying thank you they said we need water we need Mana we need bread and God said oh well your will are M okay hold on your will I’ll give you water and I’ll give you Mana um and then what I’ll do is put you in the wilderness for 40 years and then the promised land you know proceeds that and so in in my book I talk about how the promised land in the wilderness is not a physical destination it is a mental space that you put yourself in and so every day we’re either in the wilderness are in the promised land and that depends on where we choose to be and God meets us where we are we don’t meet him where he is and so what that means is if we choose our will to be in the wilderness then God would meet us there and because he’s our provider of all things he will provide us the tools needed to sustain the Wilderness however if we willingly either align with God’s will or choose to be in the promised land then like the Bible says scripture says God says even in Hell there I am so he says if you will yourself to be in the promised land then he will meet you where you are in the promised land and provide you the tools to maintain the promised land and so I know both all too well um and I have been in the promised land for years years years you know because I’ve been applying God’s principles I always say you know knowledge is not power of the implementation of the knowledge’s power and so to know God’s principles are his will or whatever principles that you know um is pointless are you implementing them are you following through with them and so the book talks about a lot of that but it also helps people understand like what the hell is the world wildness right what is the promised land how do I get there and if I’m in the wilderness and I’m just here trying to survive because the Wilderness is just that it’s a war zone it’s wild right there is no thriving in that place and the tools that it takes to sustain the Wilderness are not the tools you can even bring or use in the promised land because the promised land there’s no war and so you can’t come there War Ready you can’t come there you know armed you have to enter the promised land this armed and surrendered and accepting and in Full Faith and lean not leaning not onto your own understanding but trust in God in all your ways so you have that’s the promised land mindset that mindset will get you demolished in the wilderness and so the book talks about that it goes in a lot more detail of course um but yeah I’m excited for that because when is that coming out need that we’re shooting for my my literary team and I hopefully October 2024 no later than November [Music] this year this year I’m I’m so excited it’s like the next level to my first book mental detox mental detox is like about you know cleaning out your garden taking inventory and it’s like the beginning stages of of sense of self and the Wilderness is like no we here what are you doing so out let me ask you this where does this uh biblical background come from um well I so interesting enough uh my father’s family is uh black uh and and so they we grew up well they grew up we grew up Christian on that side but my mother’s side is Hispanic Mexican and French Creo and we grew up Catholic on that side and because I was raised more with uh my mother’s side I went to catechism made my first communion and I was baptized and raised as a Catholic right and so um even went to you know catechism as a young girl and so as far as the biblical principles and first Commandments and all that cathology is very deeply rooted in that so I had to know that even to make my first communion yeah um and then um as I became a teenager my dad’s side started to introduce me to uh Bishop Noel Jones which was in LA right which is where in from and and and as God began and and and and you right he does his and so I went there at like 13 and uh I mean I can remember like it was yesterday I’m not playing I went in there you know you know Catholic Church you nail sit nail set and you quiet don’t you say a peep don’t you chew a gun yeah and I went to Bible study and the church was just on fire and I was 13 Going what the heck like what is go what is anointment what is like the Holy Ghost this is but the the cool thing was I immediately started to feel it in myself so I wasn’t in awe or in fear of it first I was shocked by it and then I’m like as as Bishop Jones is preaching like my spirit is just jumping I’m like woo and and listen and love my Catholic Family love my Catholic Family okay um I am definitely a a Catholic little girl who grew up and but that was the day that I uh I never stopped coming to bible study I followed him from greater Bethany to City of Refuge and then I found Bishop Jake and I said oh Lord have mercy you know and and them two paired together oh my God a force and I got so I got let me tell you um I got so healthily obsessed with the way they taught the word that my hunger and appetite for the word just consumed me and I literally would watch YouTube videos Monday through Saturday because on Sunday I’d be at church I start flying to Dallas just to come to parter house just to see Bishop in person my mother and I and my girlfriends and I and so um I every Sunday I was glued to the TV and I wouldn’t watch just a sermon I’d be watching it all day I be running at the gym working out and I’m on YouTube Bishop the word and so cathology helped give me a lot of discipline and structure and I’m not taking from it but I didn’t get a lot of the principle and the word from it but when I I I you know started to come to more of the which I think we’re all Christians but I say Christian Church the word just it just awakened in me and it started a different journey and um interesting story when they first brought me to Bible study at like 12 or 13 I told my auntie charisma I was like you know I I’m not sure about this Jesus guy remember I’m 12 or 13 I’m a kid I’m like you know he ain’t the intersector like you know why do I have to talk to him to talk to God God’s my God too right so she’s laughing at me and we’re at Bible study and I’m telling her and all of her Bible study friends constituents like this little girl is like you know and I just I don’t know if I want to meet Jesus and you know but I don’t in my mind and and I’m I’m I’m upset and my auntie just was so loving and she was just so uh gentle and she was saying listen you know she would sit me down and show me videos of Jesus and try to teach me and I’m like no I’m going straight to God you ain’t no in Jesus Christ name so how’d you feel in Catholicism when you had to go through the mother Mary and all that stuff right so I still had a problem I want to talk directly to God you I want a relationship because what I was saying as a little girl was I felt like the Leon I felt like was a barrier between God and I and I want to take this moment to Pivot really quick because that that is what a lot of people have a problem with when they feel religious versus God relationship there you go and it’s they look at it like religion or Moses or Jesus or Mary um are these barriers between them and God when the Bible says God is closer than your breath so if he’s closer than my breath he is me I don’t we are one so why do I have to go through this to get to that as a young girl this is my perspective and my aunt Charisma she just she just she just kept showing me things kept taking me to church kept but not in a way that I felt like I felt smothered right it was and she let me have my opinion in it she let me feel how I felt in it I never felt um crucified because of it I never felt dismissed she was delivering me as I was trying to understand what this was oh she was so amazing in this and so you know anywh who long story short is she still around yes she’s still around shout out shout out to you aie because I love how you can because again if you heavy handed with the word you be like now listen you don’t question God see back in the days said don’t you question God don’t you ever question God and then and then it makes you go well these things that are happening in my life I can’t even question God when bad things happen or what not and any good relationship you should be able to ask questions yes and so we taught you know unfortunately some of the old school uh Church taught people not to have a healthy relationship with God like God was this this being sitting on the throne judging your every move and you’re walking eggshells around them instead of saying God I I don’t know why this is happening to me I don’t know why my my grandma got cancer I don’t know why my my uh I lost my child um during delivery or whatnot and you question these moments with God and God is such a gracious God that he’s he’s available to answer those questions and listen God is om omnipresent God is the alpha the Omega God is closer than you breathe his thoughts are not our thoughts his ways are not our ways and with that you know it’s like with that the understanding should be I’m not ever going to understand all of this teach and so with her it was more of her facilitating me and saying well what what else what other questions do you have while she’s praying over me when I’m not even in her presence and so I I remember calling her like Auntie okay so you know I understand Jesus this and she’s like and she would get when I say overly excited yes yes she’ be she’d be like she’s getting it and then all of a sudden Auntie moved a God moved Auntie as a vessel out the way and he said you ready I got you relation I got you yeah he showed me was I was always in relationship with you yep right you were eclipse and when I say eclipses by the trauma by the Heartbreak and so you took your your worldly experiences because you didn’t have the understanding of me yet as a little girl and you tied me to it but I also told you to be in the world or not of the world for a reason and so as he’s teaching me through experience it broke so many chains I mean it shifted my perspective I remember asking God as a young girl cuz my mom you know she she had suffered from addiction she’s sober now thank God but I remember as a young girl going I I don’t understand I don’t understand God why why is my mom on drugs I don’t get it I don’t like it I don’t understand it I was always God created me y’all so don’t judge me he created me he knows my personality he knows how I to him and it works because we have an amazing relationship but I was like God I don’t like it as a young girl I may about 11 or 12 maybe even 10 and he said listen baby in order for you to understand it I’d have to allow you to experience it and I said guess what I’m good I would lean not onto my own understanding in all my ways I acknow you trust you and when I did that as time went on he taught me how to surrender good and as I got into my first relationship and be got became engaged um my the more I fell in love with this man the more my trauma just inflamed and I was even more mad at God cuz I’m like what is going on here why is this happening um and he said because you won’t surrender to what is going on you’re still in the Savior role trying to save your mom you are still allowing her decisions to have a direct impact on you but if you would just surrender because life is meant to be lived like this not like this this is surrender and when we live life like this because experiences and emotions are supposed to flow through us the Bible says emotions are fickle honey they’re supposed to flow through you but watch this if pain is flowing through you and you clinch guess what you holding on to the anger and the pain pain and you have the power to surrender to it and once you surrender to it I’m telling you that’s nothing just moves out of your way it moves out of your way and so with my mother I was clenching I’m mad why is she on drugs why is this happening maybe if I do this she can shift maybe if I help her do this she can shift maybe she can and it was always that and God said no no no maybe if you just let it go so I told God guess what all right I’mma trust you but while I trust you detach me detach me from everything that has to do with her but I’m still going to provide for her I’m still going to make sure I’m loving on her I’m taking her call she got a cell phone in case emergency happen she got food and she got shelter but I got a hands up because it’s ruining my relationship good because I’m abandoning my relationships I’m showing up abusive because the abuse that she is not intentionally trying to in project on to me is her addiction when I say abuse it wasn’t physical or emotional I’m talking about just not being abandon is is an abuse in in its own sense I have because we teach what we know but we create who we are and my mother created from her abandonment that she you know showed up in my world at the hands of her addiction not intentionally um she created a broken little girl and I started to show up broken in my relationships and broken is hurtful and hurt people hurt people and so I said I’m going to let it go and I told God and I said listen Okay God I said if this is your will I promise to God I said if this is your will for her to be on drugs for the rest of her life guess what I’m rolling with it I’m rolling with it but just let me heal let me be separate from that not from the addiction cuz I’m going to roll with it till the wheels fall off but let me be healthy how do I get healthy but I’m going surrender to that and if I told him I pr said God it but if you have this in your will I trust you and I I I’m I love you and trust you so much right now that if this is in your will let’s roll it out then drug addiction it is for the rest of her life and guess what I’m good with that and I was really good with it this wasn’t something I was saying I want to fail I got to a place of me and God’s relationship being so deep latas that I said yo to this whatever it is all I know is I trust you and all I need to know is I trust you run the play and when I said that really quick I can’t make this up my mom was 100% healthy running the streets 100% healthy all of a sudden she calls me she says Shai I can’t lift my arms what I can’t make this up I can’t I can’t lift my arms I’m like huh okay so first she couldn’t lift her arms and all of a sudden she no longer could move any of her limbs that had to do with her fingers and her hands hold on her back goes out so now she can’t she she can’t walk her limbs are gone her spine is messed up so I’m like I’m not thinking anything of God I’m just like oh Lord have mercy let me get her to the emergency let’s get her some help she ends up needing fullon back surgery 8 hour 10 hour back surgery long story short as soon as I surrendered it not only broke the chains within me that was connected to her decision- making her her addiction right and my abandonment when I tell you literally and figuratively it broke the chains in her it broke her back it broke her inability to even do things that she needed to be on the streaks on drugs my mama had back surgery and um surgery went well from that day of her back being pretty much broken arms not able to move my mom has not knock on wood y’all cuz y’all know addiction she has not touched a pipe since that day how long ago was that H maybe about 8ish years now really literally till that day she runs my company wow to the VP she runs our home my mom walks jogs and does everything if my mom wanted to go right now and go hit a pipe take go indulge drugs again she could because all her limbs are working now her limbs are working now and I say that to say what’s her name Kim Kim shout out to you uh my family struggles with uh drug addiction and so I love hearing testimonies of people who overcame it and so um thank you thank you for overcoming the Battle of drug addiction I salute you Queen you’re an amazing champion thank you the ter that means a lot to me um I adopted my my my nephew because my sister uh struggles with drug addiction and whatnot and he was putting foster care whatnot so when I hear stories about drug addiction and my brother haven’t seen my brother in over 20 years wow because he’s on the streets on drugs he’s one of those type of guys that doesn’t want the family to see him strong out so he’ll just he’ll just isolate and about 20 years ago he called and told me he said Hey listen um this drug dealer had a gun to his head and said uh he about to kill him cuz he thought that he was the uh the addict that owed him some money and his homeboy was like no that’s not him that’s not him and the dude said man you almost died tonight he said somebody praying for you at home you need to go be be with your family you got intercessors that’s what the drug dealer told my brother my brother called me and uh he was like man listen he told me the story I said I’m coming to get you he was on the streets in Fort Worth uh which is a neighboring City to um uh Dallas I drove out to Fort Worth got him he stayed about a week and went right back on the street and I ain’t seen him since and that was 20 something years ago I’ve been married divorced I uh my kid done grew up and she she’s married he’s missed all of this you know what I’m saying and my mom and she’s still praying that you know before she ever pass she want to see her son again love that you said that cuz my grandmother who raised me you know um because my parents were 15 and 16 when they had me obviously mom got addicted to the drug that my dad was selling but before she would she was her praying praying praying and I remember saying to her mom cuz I call my grandmother mom too she’s my mama I was say Mom and she would say baby I’m so sorry you know I’m so sorry I’m just praying for your mom and I used to get so mad and I used to say you know stop praying for her and and and you know you the one that won her off I ain’t even tripping but I was but my thing was let it go let it go stop telling me every time you tell me I have to face the reality that is that but I want to say this my grandmother my mother’s mom she died last year she was in our home on hospice and she died in my home took her last breath she wanted what your mom wanted all she wanted was before she died to see her baby yep be sober y she didn’t just get to see her be sober for say a year or so she got to see her child my mother be sober for years one and my mother scrubbed the floors changed her diapers changed her bed gave her medicine cleaned her bathed her private air I mean my mother literally on her hands and knees took excellent crazy care of her mother and so for my grandmother it wasn’t just I’m she’s getting well taken care of in this beautiful home with her family in love she got her baby her baby to come full circle and her granddaughter who she raised to come full circle and take full care of her listen listen y’all this is my listen I said I was going to do I’m doing listen I listen because because I did the bone podcast and I opened up for the first time about my mom and addiction and so forth and people flooded the comments and said that’s my story doc my mom is still on drugs I’m still struggling just like your mom I’m still praying let me tell you something I’m not saying that this is going to happen for everyone but I do want to say this When God says he will give you back the time that the Locust and the canker worms took let me no request returns void no request I’m not saying that that’s what’s going to happen with with your love one or your parent or your father or your child but what I am saying is continue to pray continue to trust the process and trust God and surrender don’t pray with resistance pray with trust and tell God that you good with whatever his will is cuz his will is what is needed and what’s supposed to happen and I’m telling you because when I wake my mom never my mom never comb my hair she never cooked breakfast from me when I wake up in the morning my mom is saying breakfast is cooked my mom has coffee in my office before my sessions my mom is cooking dinner and breakfast for my brother and I hold on my mom is making calls in and and running my whole business there’s times that I wake up at the beginning you know first I was at the beginning I was like let’s see how long this this how long then when G on three years and four years and then years kept going on I would just lay in my bed and wake up and I would hear her downstairs singing and tooting and and and uh Yanda Adams she loves she’d have her gospel music on she’d have Bishop Jake on she’s singing she’s cooking breakfast and I would wake up and I would just sit in bed and I would go God yes you ain’t playing about me talk about it and your word doesn’t return void that’s what he said and the best thing I could have ever done was line up with you and I’m living in your principal right now yes the time that the Locust and the caker worm took is here yep I’m like that’s my mom downstairs what it and and and so I would go in her room sometimes and look at her sleep we have a big pool she takes a dip in the pool every day I look in the back and she got her cell phone she done put the music on the boom boxes booming and she just in the pool on the floaty just to going just she’s as happy as she could be L ter and I just look out the the the window and I’m just I’m in awe not just of her but I’m like in awe of God’s work and I’m just and every time I do it this is my own joke me and God I can hear him say to me he go who’s your daddy and I always and I love it and I just start laughing I’m like God why are you like this why are you like this and then I say I pray and I ask that everyone gets this relationship with you teach this relationship because I’m telling you when you are anchored like that in a covering in a source like that you no longer are tripping or in despair of any resources because you anchored and plugged into the source teach and so for y’all again if if if if you’re praying and you’re saying I can’t hear him I can’t see him my favorite affirmation still to this day is God I don’t hear you louder come on God speak louder that’s good God louder or God I I don’t feel you louder I need to see more make it clear God come on make it clear cuz I’m trying to listen I don’t need you to drag me I just need to listen I’ll take the step I’ll be obedient but I need to hear louder and when I do it he comes in louder let me tell you something you you got that oil on you I I didn’t know you had this side of you yeah I you know cuz you get the cussing car I was see when I was just about to say tell them the truth you told me now Doc you can’t curse on this platform I said oh shoot I said God I can’t hear you God a little louder a little louder a little louder I said don’t be coming over here cussing cuz you going to be cussing and she said well she said well I guess God got to you know hold cuz on the phone you said the first conversation you said so doc um you go from real anointed like and real preachy to curs to curs it’s like what but in the same sentence the same sentence this is so confus I’m like yeah God took his time with me he really took his time so confusing cuz I was like God she so because it’s not that you’re speaking biblical truth as like a I call it a lukewarm Christian somebody like but you’re rooted in it like you know and it was just throwing I was like this is a contradictory it’s like she she so deep in the word but then she just start going off and cussing like a s I was like what I was like it was throwing my ear off look I’m a thumb print of God he’s trying to show you that he comes in all forms okay he’s show he can use anybody he can use anybody let me tell you this but another point that I want to make about where you said that you know when people are believing that God uh can restore the years that the canker worm has stolen and you know they may not get a chance to see their loved one delivered from alcoholism or drug addiction or whatever that is they may not um the caveat I would like to share is that and God still can return everything he can restore the years of your youth that even if it’s not by your parent coming back and cooking breakfast for you or putting coffee on your desk or whatnot or seeing your your your loved one swim around in the pool that God can send people in proxy of what you missed and bring somebody else as a surrogate mom as a surrogate father someone that stands in the Gap and and and begins to love on you and share the share with you the love that you so desperately Des desire from that and deserve and deserve God can God will God is doing everything right now yes okay he doesn’t leave or forsake us it’s not that he’s not doing it’s that we’re not receiving there it is or we’re eclipsed and so our job just like with love is to break down the barriers that are keeping us from receiving God’s love his Omni presence there’s he’s he’s do he’s he’s doing right now he’s being and doing it’s us we have the barriers and our barriers are what he already told us caught up in these worldly things that that are fickle that and a lot of times are just our our illusion and this is why God says you know call a thing that ain’t as though it is because he’s saying you can move a mountain yes yes and and so the mountain is just there as an obstacle or a barrier if you will see it as that or it could be looked at as a mountain I learn to climb up to get over to the other side it’s how you perceive it and for me I see my mountains say oh okay God I see we got we about to burn some calories today I’m at the top and when I’m at the top like Moses do I get to hear your voice teach do I get to have a conversation with you what do I get at the top and then when I look down it’s not me going down meaning lower level it’s oh I get to go down to not the valley but green pastors see it’s it’s what you will have it to be perspective and the promised land is here and so every morning I say we all have one job is to be happy I create the promised land in my mind through my thoughts and my emotions and I’m always always not feeling connecting but feeling fused and as one with God and that’s where I say well hey whichever way it goes I know it’s meant because it’s your will and I if I trust your will really trust it really trust it then I’m saying run whatever play throw it I’m just going to try to be wherever I can be on the field yes I love that and one thing that to take away from from old grandma of yours uh what’s a name so we can honor Mariah Mariah my grandma Mariah uh is to pray without ceasing M A lot of times we give up because we don’t see that thing come to pass but you never ever lose if you pray without ceasing um and um that’s one thing that in our generation we’ve given up on we be like well prayer don’t really work cuz I’ve been praying and then this didn’t happen and at the end of the day it’s like yet I always look at stuff as yet I prayed and this didn’t happen yet and if you continue to pray what other option do you have you can you can complain you can murmur you can sit there and be negative and be like well I mean this this this and then stop praying and the devil say yeah that worked that worked I got him to stop praying at the end of the day Jesus says I pray that your faith fails not and so that’s where the devil the secret Battleground is in our mind when he when he causes us not to pray when he causes us to lose faith when he causes us give up and the minute that you give up then the devil say well that was easy now let me move on to somebody else guess why the devil’s able to to creep in because once you stop preaching you lose hope hope defer makes the heart sick and when the heart is sick we got all these sick see almost cursed we got all these sick people walking around here and once you are sick that is the Wilderness there it is once you are sick that’s the Devil’s Playground because if I can get you sick in your mind listen Bishop Jake said it best I don’t want your car your woman your house but if I can get that thing up there there it is I’ll have you destroy it all I’ll have you get addicted to drugs and destroy your whole family I got to take your wife if I can get you your mind to get you to cheat I can get her to divorce you and if I don’t get her to divorce you sure stay but it’ll never be the same you have a house that’s homeless so all he needs to do is get here and again once the heart is sick be at the result of no hope then there’s nothing left because Hope and Faith at the peak are the same thing teach let me ask you this your journey of love are you looking for a man that’s a Believer do you desire a man that is rooted and grounded in the a Christian so I don’t desire a man like that um it’s a non-negotiable so I wouldn’t even be with a man who um you know even if he was say non- denominational but he’s like look I don’t have denomination I’m not into no religious stuff however I’m Godly I read the Bible there’s principles I follow because you know a man who is double-minded and I say double minded cuz if you have no principles then what are you standing on if if there what is your blueprint what is holding you accountable what are you anchored in if you can’t anchor in something that’s that’s bigger than me which should be you then baby you can’t anchor in me cuz we only give people who we have and I’m going to experience you at the depth of who you are and so a man who is unstabled right um our double mind is unstabled in in all his ways I’m not looking for an unstabled husband and I’m not looking for a husband who can’t cover me when I am being fickle because I’m also still human so I need a man who can say hold on hold on hold on you know my high function and low functioning you know terms Who Says Baby right now you and your low functioning so what I need to do is cover you and covering sometimes looks like pray for me covering sometimes looks like let me sit in this room and just do whatever I’m going to do while you go in the other room and you tell God God Have Your Way in here have your way in here how would you explain that to people when you talking about high function and low function those that haven’t because I started laughing at it because we had a conversation and we was talking about I need a man that is high functioning but he has to have Duality he’s a hybrid he needs to be able to deal with the functioning that you have a tendency to operate in explain what that means meaning you know he’s high functioning enough to be able to make sure our relationship functions at a healthy level without impairment we’re not abusing each other we can have conversations uh we have emotional intelligence we can talk disagree to agree to disagree um you know we can trust each other we’re rooted in those high functioning things um everything is not about investigation and what’s going on no we’re mature he can feel what he feels and ulate his emotions so that we’re not having chaos all the time um he can disagree with me and still go to bed and love me in the morning maybe Revisited or let it go and let it take his form because he has that strong faith in God that it’s going to do what it’s supposed to do anyways so go on and just keep loving her you know um those are high fun he knows how to have real commitment is is high functioning which is um he knows how to stay and stick and be while the love comes in and the love comes out because that’s a real relationship the love looks different every season every year depending on what you’re doing what he’s doing what you’re going through love just looks different it feels different and commitment is doing what you said you was going to do regardless of how you feel can he stick in it and not go outside of these doors right while we get this thing back on track good and for women because sidebar real quick women too I don’t want just to get on the men can you high function for woman in relationship um sis can you let him be in the space he’s in without having to to continuously um suppress him or um put this pressure on him to be in a different form because you need him to show up differently you need him to express in that moment you need him to be emotional you need hold on what if this is what he needs so he can be better for you can you the Bible says that it’s better for a a man to sleep on the roof of the house then deal with a woman I’m going to go with my terms who can’t shut the up he Bible didn’t say that part but that’s how I’m looking at it meaning meaning the Bible says Coral some woman what does that corome woman and interpreted by Dr Briant shut the up is what she said meaning right this man is system overload already yep and he’s frustrated he’s like let me just get out let me get out of here and a high functioning woman can say all right baby listen what do you need right now yeah because the Bible says love your partner by knowledge of them let me know what you need because in a marriage you have to assume different roles in positions and can you be hybrid enough and flexible enough to assume that while you is high functioning now self soothe whether it’s self soothe your emotions self Soo meaning regulate your anxiety whether it’s go read a book go for a run go to a brunch have a glass of wine have a a cup of tea while he has his moment with himself in his moment with himself is his moment with God there it is that’s all it is and let him return and say okay so what’s next what do you need you still need more of that more of this so my point is that’s the high functioning piece right when I say hybrid is when let’s just speak for myself my high functioning can sometimes still mirror very rare cuz I’ve done a lot of work but it still comes up and abandon women so when I clinch remember I just said life is meant to be lived like this in surrender mode when I clinch clinch abandonment is just someone abandonment shows up in control okay either you’re you’re sabotaging which is still a form of control we talked about that last night or you’re controlling saying no it needs to be this way or that way because what you’re trying to control is not so much that person you’re trying to control what they activate in you so I’m trying to control you stay right there and put because if you move to the left or to the right then guess what you may activate and inflame my abandonment if it won’t activate and inflame my abandonment I don’t have the need to control it there’s a difference right so low functioning is you and I are in this relationship my abandonment inflames you haven’t done anything it could be the time of the month hormones are just going you know crazy and I’m I’m now my abandonments inflames and I get to clinching and I say um you know I don’t want this no more not even this it’s more of like okay every day of the week you know you go to the gym and work out you come home at 7:30 now for the last 5 years you’ve done the same thing you’ve never ever came home at 7:45 but this one time in 5 years you come home at 7:36 that’s 6 minutes later cuz you stop at the gas station didn’t text me say baby can to get get get gas real quick yeah you come in my abandonments in flamed I flip out where you been this is banana this is what I say by low functioning right you’re able to stay in your high functioning but you understand the low functioning so that you’re not judging me and you’re not staying high functioning which can be transactional at times and saying you’re tripping I’m pulling out this is too much for me so now what you did was you di down to the low functioning with me and now we both cannot function in this relationship hybrid means I need you to say high function and go okay my baby my woman’s in this low function in space because she’s honest and we are really intimate not sex the true intimacy which is vulnerability and knowing each other I know she has these abandonment issues I ain’t experienced them in 3 years but this is the day it’s here yep baby listen I went to the gas station this is what I got and what I did let me pray over you let’s have a conversation about it what do you need in this moment for you to be good that part and in the 5 years we’ve been together three years the one year the two years you tell me one time I gave you a reason not to trust me there it is and if there’s no reason then she has to regulate her emotions to get herself to the high functioning place to say baby you know what you’re right I’m tripping maybe I need five minutes maybe I maybe I need a whole let me go work out let me run for Miles whatever I need to do to regulate this to get my my cortisone levels low my dopamine to be released let me do this I’ll let you know if I need something more good now after the man has done everything because there’s sometimes a man can do all that and the woman is still in her space I want to give advice for that because it happens like that a lot after the man has done everything he’s supposed to do and say he really was not cheating and not doing nothing wrong he apologizes he said what do you need he talks to her and she’s still inflamed cuz I’ve been there I’ve been where the man has did everything you can possibly humanly think of and I’m I’d done packed my bag and I’m talking about book my flight and he no he didn’t I told him him book it get me out of here L teris at this point he pacing the floors he poor baby he just pacing the floors and know he’s just like he and he’s just you know you can tell he’s like Lord how do I get to stay what did I do because he didn’t do anything wrong and I’m disclaiming you tell him to book the flight book the flight and I told him to pack me up get me out of here but look at look at the intensity get me out of here do you see the inflammation get me out of here book the flight now mind you I think it’s 1:00 a.m. extreme abandonment I’m in my low function yeah then I I took a seat back and he came over he said what do I do when you get like this what do I do he said what do I do how do I what I do and something in me which is the high functioning part of me this is thank God that I’m a hybrid said you’re tripping he didn’t do anything and I said you know what it’s not you you’ve done everything you’re supposed to do you did everything right thank you I said now it’s up to me to make a decision if I am going to pull out of this and go into a healthy space with you and and you know be forgiving and and lock back in or if I’m going to continue to be in my abandonment sabotage this and get the heck out of here you could do that in real time you did that in real time I did that sitting on that couch with that man sitting next to me and he said okay what does that mean I said give me some time to snap out of this because knew because it’s just a decision but my emotions are so inflamed that it is blurring my decision making yeah so I sat I prayed and I said my affirmation God louder yeah louder louder and then I started to this is what I do myself self talk I started to my high functioning healed self started to talk to my low functioning broken self and the high functioning self said let me explain something to you you’re always sabotaging you always at the table and in relationships you have no place being at you did this in the last relationship we not doing this this time so whatever you need to do wherever you need to go you need to figure it out I looked over at that man I said baby we good and he looked at me though kind of crazy like like what you just said like did she just do that in real time but he had this look like what the hell just happened like like you know are you by po no it was it was I was processing I was literally using my own tools on myself and I was I mean I’m telling were you saying the stuff verbally no inside my mind but in my mind it was this conversation louder louder it was just and I’m on the couch and I it’s it’s just doing this thing and and and I’m I’m feeling it and all of a sudden you know my high functioning self than God was able to overpower my low functioning self and the low functioning self regulate and dissipate it and I just had to explain to him this is what happens and hopefully I can always do that if not just please don’t let me leave and he was still trying to figure out what does that look like because this was a man who was very um a real Alpha in the sense of a real Alpha is not a hostile man a real Alpha is not no that’s called testosterone okay a real Alpha man is strong vertical loving gentle but he also has his own boundaries that says baby hold on now what does that look like because I don’t want to be putting hands on you to not get you to to leave because I love you and and my love is healthy and it’s gentle so we had to explain that but I said that to say that is what the hybrid looks like so I’m not perfect in you know with me dating now and my husband he is also has to be built a certain way that understands if he doesn’t understand it he wants to know how do I do that with you because I am going to be with you forever and so because I’m going to be with you forever I got to learn too how to regulate you this is a team spirit thing this isn’t no well that’s your problem figure it out y hold on wait a minute or you should have had that fixed before you came to me because that’s never going to happen exactly nothing’s ever going to be completely fixed before anything happen it just doesn’t work like that and I tell people you got to go broken you got to go scared you got to go unfixed you got to go hurt you got to go halfway healed the point is you just have to make sure that you go and when you arrive then be ready to assume whatever role or position you need to and trust yourself in God in the process to say when I get there I’ll have the tools I just told you God meets you where you are so when you get there here be there he says in Hell there you let me tell you that’s why he’s God and His Thoughts ain’t our thoughts because baby I don’t want to go to hell with you but if I have to meaning you’re my husband this is why another reason why I’ve taken my time to get married because people um can say they respect marriage and the sanctity of it but they’re showing up to a marriage that says as long as we in heaven put me on the list here but as soon as we get to hell I’m gone let me pivot but a lot of marriages and I’m not saying all but I’ve been doing my in my field for 17 years and I’ve yet to see a marriage that’s gone 15 20 30 especially you talking about these 50 year marriages that haven’t gone through hell Y and Hell the only recipe to a long-term marriage is stay keep your ass there and be in commitment and then you have to learn the Bible says marriage is for disciplined people yes discipline means when we in hell am I disciplined enough lat teris to self soothe that’s emotionally physically mentally whatever you need and be in this hell with you and sitting there and say all right babe I’m now I may need to to to take it in pockets and that’s okay now I’m going sit in there for two hours but then I got to Y but I’m not leaving you one thing you can count on me is I’m going to be here now I don’t know how I’m going to show up all the time but I will be here but that’s marriage and that’s all that’s necessary like to just show up I’m here and what and that’s what’s so beautiful about it and by the way you’re doing a great job not cursing I’m proud of you I spelled it out but I’m trying God God I can’t hear you need you louder Lou he doing an amazing job Dr bran listen um so you’ve been on this journey um have you always wanted to get married because a lot of times people assume somebody may be 42 years old and said that they’ve always desired marriage but then you’ll find out that maybe in the last couple of years you only desired it so have you always desire marriage in your life no and when that when that Ares at what age did you start being intentional to say you know what I really do want to get married in my mid-30s in your mid-30s in my mid-30s but you had been engaged prior to that right yes so why did you say yes and accept the engagement prior to that knowing internally that you never want to get married to begin with right I love that question so I’ve always wanted to be a mother and I was raised on uh principles from my mother my father and my grandparents that you know M marriage and family right and so uh based on principles and coupled with I didn’t ask I just happened to meet a guy in my 20s his 20s early 20s that was amazing and who um knew healthy love and I didn’t and so he was a a beautiful buffer for me and that’s not my words he would say he’s a buffer I thought we were just going to get married and be together but um um he was the facilitator he was the the high functioning when it came to how to facilitate me he was the sturdy Oak put it this way I have yet to be or fill a safe space with a man since that relationship and that was in my 20s really he created s such a safe space for me and let me let me tie in why that’s important people show up fully where they’re safe and God knew in order to get this woman um her pain in her trauma in order to get me to externalize what she’s been internalizing she got to be completely safe and so he put me with the man who could created a completely safe space what that did was unfortunately for him but fortunately for me or maybe fortunately for him I was fully authentic I was fully myself he got all of the loving nurturing affectionate I mean like pouring into him treating him like a king but he also got the intense trauma abandoned neglect toxicity I’m a young girl I don’t even know that I I have this trauma I don’t even know that I’m just this dysfunctional and when I say The Duality all of it was there he said something profound to you right what did he say that was so profound to you about what you desire yeah we talked about that last night and he was he was right he said he said uh and this was like we were literally planning our engagement party he said baby I’m just a buffer for you and I mind you in my mind I’m like we getting married so and it would hurt me when he would say not cuz I thought he would leave because I was hurt for him saying that he said I’m a buffer for you he said um you’re too insecure for the man that you really want right now and that was in my 20s I was like 2223 when he said this to me and I’m like what he goes hear me when I say this he said I’m a buffer at some point you will become secure enough to be with that guy but right now you’re with me because you are too insecure at this moment to be with who you really want to be and when I tell you when I say that is emotional intelligence on a high level shout out to that brother that man was on point to the point and I didn’t argue with him I just was more like babe don’t say that we got our engagement party we’re getting married and I also knew in my heart that he was right and that I would be leaving like deep deep not like Forefront and so a part of me the All of Me was trying to save him from a heartbreak I knew he was going to have inevitable an inevitable heartbreak I was trying to save him and say no and no you know and like but I’m here and I do love you and that’s not true and and then also because he was such a freaking good man it was hard to leave because I didn’t have infidelity and you didn’t have a reason to leave so what happens with people like that that suffer from abandonment issues you try to look for a reason and then it’s like a self-fulfilling prophecy cuz you’ll create the reason to leave but you you you come with such toxicity that you’ll create you you’ll start breaking the very man that you love so much to where he’ be like and then you start making him respond hold on there you go when I start breaking the man that I loved who I seen come in as a healthy loving innocent man that just wanted to love me cuz he came from you know I came from a two parent household but it was my grandparents he came from two parent his parents and you know no blended family it’s them it’s they’ve been together all their life so he comes from that um but when I start to see that and and he just kept loving me through it and he he kept reminding me reassuring me that’s cool but I ain’t going nowhere you know what he told me one time ah and um I just even thinking about it and he and he said this to me he said cuz I was I was trying to be mean and I was no I was being mean and I was saying to him you know and I was in my abandonment I was trying to sabotage and I was trying to get him to leave so I I can prove this abandonment thing right I didn’t know I was doing this y’all I’m in my 20s right hindsight I get it but and I’m telling him well you know leave leave leave I don’t want to be with you and he’s like no no I ain’t going nowhere no and he I’m talking he’s sturdy in it no and I’m like how can I get him to leave but I but but but listen but everything in me wanted to make sure he stayed I didn’t want him to leave I wanted him to reassure me he wouldn’t go and so I get to pack in his stuff and I tell him you know what well I’m going on a date I’mma go on a date with someone else you know what he told me this one I knew it was God Lord have mercy said not baby he said my full name Cheyenne let me explain something to you now people going to go crazy over this but let’s get in our mature high functioning emotional intelligent space before I say this y’all he said Cheyenne if you went out he said forget a dayve if you went out and had sex with 200 and something men I’m still not leaving I’m still not going nowhere and as much as other people and men who aren’t mature enough enough to understand the context of this yeah it’s it’s it’s this what he’s saying it’s not what he said it’s what’s in the substance of and when he said that that was a moment where I said I use a curse for but I’m I said what the am I doing like yo what am I doing right now that’s good like what what and when I tell you that was a mirror times a mirror and I sat down and I just start crying and I said I’m not really a crier and I just I was boohoo and and he’s just looking at me and he probably looking at me like this a crazy woman but you know he looking at me and I said I’m sorry I’m so sorry I’m sorry I’ll never ever abuse you again meaning not but anyway like emotionally I’m so sorry like oh my God and he just looked at me and from that moment I shifted and I stopped emasculating him I stopped I just I I just in it was just I could like I seen myself and I was so disgusted and turned off by what I was seeing just through his ability to say listen and then we talked about this last night I’m not marrying or in love with the idea of you I’m in love with you and so because I’m in love with you there ain’t no conditions uncondition because if I’m in love with the idea of you I can take this idea we T we talked about this the jacket the idea is a jacket the jacket go to another woman and say baby I like women who wear pink jackets put this idea on you yep but because he really wasn’t and and this is the power of love is not enough to sustain a relationship or a marriage but the Power of Love Changes like this and when he did that I was going like what and so I shifted but what happened was when I started to shift this is what happens when you heal y’all as I shifted and became different and became more secure and became this it changed the dynamic of our relationship because as the buffer he was sent to be he had no more his role was no longer relevant and so guess what I was doing becoming different and healthy and he didn’t know how to facilitate that healthiness as weird as that sounds and I knew the best thing I can do which would be a service to him and I especially more to him was to leave and let him be with somebody who I knew um could just really be as good as he was ser serly and and don’t I was very good to him we just have those moments where he and you’re in your 20s and he didn’t have to we’re in my 20s and he didn’t have to learn he just knew how to facilitate me um and so yeah that’s the type of that’s what marriage is though if I would have married him which I don’t want to be with him now but he’s amazing guy if I would have married him um that is the safe landing that I believe all women deserve that’s what I that part of him is what I want that part of him is what I want my husband to have is that I’m not leaving all right well I guess we’re GNA figure this out all right well so you still hungry okay so you know I’m getting in this bed yep all right well so we both mad then okay so we got tickets to the concert get dressed how many times have you been engaged shyen I’ve been engaged four times and I C off two weddings cuz the first two were just engagements we didn’t have like the wedding plan save the dates a dress and the last two I had wedding dresses engagement party Bachelor bachelorette party wow Wedding Date save the dates shipped out invitations people book their flights um yeah so what do your friends say to you and family members knowing that do they even would they even take it seriously if you got engaged again they say girl call us on the day of the wedding and we’ll show up other than that Tom I ain’t booking no flight us alone like when you look back at that and um and you’ve always said that you had amazing you had amazing fiance and all that type of stuff I never hear you discredit the men that you dated and you take full accountability for the relationship going to ra why is that is that true or is it is it that they were so great and you were so uh I don’t want to say toxic I would just say this cuz certain things just not supposed to work out I do understand that is it that they just wasn’t supposed to work out that you understood it or do you believe that you were so unhealthy in all those experiences that you were the cause of the relationship not working no I don’t think I was the cause the sole cause of it not working uh there were things that they did as well um that you know my first fiance we just had two different dreams we grew apart he wasn’t he wasn’t a man that was really into and every time I talk about this I’m still protecting both of them to be honest you should he wasn’t he just wasn’t a man who wanted to work or have work ethic you know uh he he made some money but I was a bread winner and then he got to the point where he openly honestly told me listen if it’s just you me a dog in a shack I’m good with that and I openly told him but baby I’m not so where do we go from here because I’m going to build this thing and so I’m going to build this thing means I’m going to have to carry you and sustain because you’re not asking me to carry you but you’re saying I don’t want that which is fair right so with him I just said well we’re growing apart we’re just going two different ways um I’m just not okay with having a man who is okay with pretty much being like the house husband to be honest with you he was just like I’ll be the house husband I don’t want that and um the I’m a hybrid the submissive piece of me the very soft feminine piece of me couldn’t tap into my intense submissive part because that was a bit too beta for me and I don’t mind I like a hybrid man Alpha submissive man I don’t mind you going in your beta and going your Alpha that’s sexy to me but it can’t be to the point where my Alpha always has to be present for us to be equally yolked that’s not fair to me the second guy one he has two beautiful daughters um who are adults and there were some things that were inappropriately done in that relationship not infidelity not cheating and because um regardless of what those things were he was still very good to me and I have the most respect for his daughters there are certain things that I won’t it Expos because I would never want them to look at him in a way that’s his you know responsibility to have that conversation with him um his daughter even asked at some point when we when I call off the wedding um months later because we were still having a relationship we were pretty we were close pretty close at least and she was like what I what happened and I even told her you got to have that conversation with your father because I expain even though me and him are not together um there was still a a wife or you know future stepmom kind of role not kind of row I would have taken and I’m not I’m not uh fleeing from that just because you know I still respect him but there were things that um have to do with some hostility on his end that I knew being married and pregnant and having a family with that kind of hostile environment would not be healthy because I also know that as as loving and and and and relaxed as I like to be if there if you’re going to create a war zone in this house and think that you can be hostile in a certain energy it’s gonna be a problem number three it’s gonna be a problem guy number three what happened oh well that was I only had two guys I call off the wedding the first two I don’t engag oh so you don’t count the two don’t count them because it was like in my early yeah yeah so those relationships kind of just like dwindled out because it was in my 20s but the last two which were we had weddings and dresses are you know we were really going to get married the family was tied in but but I’m happy I caught him off because um one you know I you know I he was he if let me say this if I was going to base being with a man with kids off of my last fiance who had two beautiful daughters I would do it because the way he structured that you know to his defense was A1 I mean there was we had no issues there was no nothing the girls would even call me and say hey shy what are we doing for Dad’s birthday what are we doing for Father’s Day what are we doing for Thanksgiving I would cook and call everybody over and have family meetings and be like we blend in this family cuz we’re about to get married I’m going to get pregnant so you know I even had conversation with the girls 101 like if you need anything you have questions about me when I first met them ask me which is ironic which is ironic because now one of your core values is never to date or marry someone with kids but you had a great experience with a man with kids now why and we talked about this too I love this there were times where we’d be laying in the bed day goes perfect nothing happened and we’re getting closer to the to the wedding or not even that we’re just you know engaged and it would come up and and I’d just I’d always be able to be open and talk I’d say I’m having those feelings again and he’s like cuz he knew from the beginning I didn’t want to be with the man with kids he knew too I was very honest we just happened to fall and like and then start really you know being into each other and for you know what I’m living there and now we’re we’re in a relationship and in which by the way he was 14 15 years older than me so coming back to what I was saying um and he would say well what’s those fings I’m like I’m starting my values my preferences are starting to inflame in the sense of you know you don’t want a man with kids Shai and I would but we would maturely talk about it and he would say baby listen well he would tell me well what are you going to do because not that I would ever want to I love my girls but they’re here you know they’re here I’m a father so he say nothing I can change what can I do for you with the reality and I would say I don’t think there’s nothing you can because again it was just something I didn’t want as a preference not something expl why so can understand that um well because for me my idea for me personally um of a family is me and my husband and our kids one two it’s not the kids because I love kids me and his daughter will go work out together and go eat and when I would invite him she would be like why you got to invite him right like we want our time and I said bro this your daddy cuz he GNA come right I always having his back but I would say um but for me I don’t believe that any anybody male or female has to it’s a preference has to take on you and your decisions previous to me I think we all have the right to say listen I love you but I prefer not to take on your decision even let’s say to be an attorney let’s take our kids to be an attorney because you travel a lot y I don’t want a man who travels a lot doesn’t make you a bad man to me that’s no difference than me saying I don’t want to take on a man who has beautiful kids who I probably would love and blend with but I don’t want to have to help you manage your decisions when I come in I don’t come in with kids if a man tells me Doc look man I love you I’m in love with you I feel like you’re my soulmate but this career thing I want a woman who’s at home Barefoot in the kitchen I do right but but you travel and you’re on the road and you’re a Powerhouse does that make him a bad man no it makes him say your your decision doc to be a doctor and be successful and do these things I don’t want to have to help you manage that and he has every and I have right to say you know what I’ll either shift or I respect that yep and it’s not a big deal because I meet so many men who are amazing with kids my ex– fiance he was you know he was um a great guy with some things that again I won’t mention that were just like this can’t sustain long term um but I didn’t I just told him like there’s nothing you can do it’s me who doesn’t want a man with kids and and when I left him which was about six years ago I have never dated a man with kids and I’ve never calibrated so to the women out there who are like me with or without kids men out there with or without kids who want a partner with no kids or a certain partner let me tell you something um when people used to tell me oh you know there ain’t no men out there with no kids or oh girl you know there ain’t a lot of men out there with kids I’m not looking for a lot of men I’m looking for one man there it is okay so and in them six years I found many of those one men with no kids and let me say what I love about God he allowed me to experience a man with kids and without when I’m with the men without kids not the man himself I’m talking about me in my own preference and gut because he has no kids a different flow a different me and my spirit says this is it and so guess what just like God gave back the time that the caker worms and Locust took and God has yet L teras God has yet to return or request void and because of that I’m going to trust God and not y’all and not even you because I know the way that God’s shown up in my life and delivered God telling me right now woman listen if how much more I got to do to prove to you that what you want it’s going to come when I know you ready for what you asking for and what I love about it is that what you said is you you live in a place of um realism you said because I heard you say this in the interview and because I know that my desire is a man with kids now I have to date younger and but I have to also deal with the maturation phase of a younger man and so that’s what I that’s why I like it when people are are intuitive enough to say cuz some people like I want a man that that don’t have kids and it’s like okay and but you’re you you didn’t adjust you didn’t know how to Pivot so you’re dating you’re in your mid 40s or whatever and you’re dating guys around that thing and then now he’s like well I want kids wait and I had to do that no that just you’re so on point because I my ex– fiance is 14 years older than me so I was the opposite I used to be like I’ll never date a younger dude like oh my God cuz I was so mature my career happened early I bought my first house at 19 I mean I’m what what am I going to do with a young man a young boy in my mind but as I got older here I go talking to God God said okay one of our told your husband’s younger I was like oh my God come on God you always trying to switch up the game what I thought we was just running an easy route you want me to go up five and in 10 what through audible right right and so now I said okay and he goes okay and you saying you want a m with no kids I agree with you he said that’s with them I will I said okay he said but he’s going to be younger I said what does that mean he said how young he said you don’t have patience I said oh damn he said you’re a pivot quick I said oh my God and I said how young but what he did was in this six years is literally they’ve been all younger men and when I tell you the adjustment the first time I dat a younger guy it was challenging for me cuz I found him less valuable in so many ways because I’m like the wisdom’s not there the experience and then my patience I used to say listen listen if you want me to stay meaning like if we’re at this house having a good time if you want me to stay you going to have to relax meaning emotionally right like no Ser I but I would say as a grown woman you said Relax meaning like you’re going to have to get some control over your emotions in the sense of feeling a certain way for me or not being able to engage in a conversation without being inflamed okay right because you know when you’re young you don’t have the gauge you’re just emotional you’re reactive and you’re just in love and you’re or I’m leaving but if you want me here I want want to be here but we have to have a certain environment so there goes that patience that was 6 years ago now come current day um you know even the guys I date now I I’m not exclusive I’m still single but one of the guys I date happens we talked about that happens to be younger and um I have a better understanding of the patient so when certain things happen I go back into my conversation with self and God and I go oh okay that’s the patience part and God goes that’s it baby that’s it I say oh okay I had to maybe ask but to his defense you know he is actually KN going W thus far has been very mature in a lot of ways but I still make sure I remind myself okay this guy is still younger and I have to have that patience and I say do I want to have would you would I rather have patience with a younger man or would I want to deal with my spirit constantly uneasy because I’m going against my values cuz this man is amazing but he has kids and so I I can’t fully unpack and connect with him because the barrier between us is these kids I said no no barrier because I’ll unpack fully with this this man and I’ll go all the way in with this man to the point where we’re having kids in a family and so for me I’m clear on what I want and my wide road which is destruction says the Bible is now become a narrow road which is happiness and for me when you get narrow even if what you’re asking for hasn’t manifested yet you’re still very happy because your clear Clarity is something that gives you peace and and what I call God’s peace and happiness good when I say I love it and I I want people to take away that you don’t have to have a scarcity mindset when dating that we serve a god of abundance we serve a god of intentionality we serve a God that will grant you the desires of your heart and the the very desire that was placed in your heart he granted that he planted that seed inside of you and so if you and like you said I just need one and so not to have a scarcity mindset and to say and that’s why I try to tell people all the time date based on your values cuz anytime you come out of alignment with what your core values are and then you end up dating outside of that and you go I knew and it don’t work out you go I knew I should have did that and the worst thing you can say to somebody is that man I I should have never dated you in the first place because I knew at the very beginning this was going to work and they looking like well I wish you would have told me that cuz I wouldn’t have dated you either you know what I’m saying because you know at the very beginning you’re going against you’re betraying yourself and you’re breaking your own heart there it is and and I love what you said really quick cuz I know we rapping but you said date uh based on your core values yes that goes to me saying listen y’all stop just looking for love love is not enough the Bible says it too love is not enough what he said when you say core core values is the other component the likability yeah the conduciveness and the compatibility that’s the stuff that will keep you tied in and locked in infused and plugged in love we love our kids we love our parents we love family members that we cannot stand yep cannot stand but doesn’t mean we don’t love them don’t if they need us we won’t show up but you don’t want a marriage where if he or she needs me I’mma show up but we homeless over here Y no and so for me I look for the likeability I like a man with no kids yeah right I like a man who’s Anchored In God I like a man that I can I can bounce scriptures off real quick I like a man who’s built a certain way and other thing start choosing people who are built the way that is conducive for you not someone who’s water and you really want wine I said it over and over again we are not Jesus we cannot turn water to wine at all because if women could baby listen we can’t do that that’s good so we got to we got to see people for who they are and ask oursel is this person right here right here this yeah conducive for me this not the jacket the ideology that I clothe him with because every time take the jacket off you’re breaking your own heart you’re disappointing yourself and you don’t want him no more yeah and he spends a lifetime Chasing After You pursuing you after the I do and it’s like why am I still working for you I thought we supposed to be resting in marriage and still working on learning each other but I still feel like I’m chasing after you and people that happen so much and uh you even talked about the statistics of divorce that you know uh 85% I believe women are the ones that’s filing for divorce F yeah and so at the end of the day it’s like and that’s a whole lot of variables of why that happens but at the end of the day people need to find people that they can rest in people that when they say I do to they say I do to this version whatever this is that’s coming I do and then also having the back of your mind that you have to continue saying I do because people evolve people change the person that you married at 27 ain’t the same person at 37 and and 47 they’re evolving they’re they they experience losses of loved ones um God forbid but you lose a child that’s a whole different VAR variable that you’re dealing with um you’re dealing with loss of parents at a certain age how is that person now without spending Mother’s Day and Father’s Day with their parents who is that person and so you have to continue to say I do to people um but listen I’m very hopeful for you um it’s interesting I like I told you before I can’t wait to see the guy that captures your heart and your mind and gets you down the aisle to say I do because I know how how um analytical you are I know how cuz cuz I know you think your brain be like you know you doing all that but I got a chance to see that little girly side of you and I was like cuz a lot of time people look like but she tough she hard what you think of it I love that you got to see it for a couple hours and it was cute I said that’s and we both were there we both was in our and our healthy little girl little boy was cute but that’s what I’m saying that is the part that gets you to I do that’s the part that gets you continually to say I do and to get you resting in marriage where you can have fun and play with your M and whatnot cuz at first I was a little worried about you Cheyenne I got to admit it I was like this girl called off four engagements I know women that can’t get one she called off four and she admits that she is a part of the problem we all are part of some problems when things don’t work out but she admittedly says that she says that she met Good Guys where a lot of women say I can have never met a good guy you say I’ve met good guys and it didn’t work out so I said yeah she the problem it’s going to be very hard for her to find somebody that she gets married to but when I got a glimpse of of that little girl in you I said oh she’s hopeful she’s a hopeful romantic not a hopeless romantic a hopeful romantic where she says I desire intentional love and what at first I thought that maybe the bar was set too high but it’s not at first I’m like she probably looking for this perfect guy he has to be this he has to make this kind of money he has to do all this or whatever and then the more I got to talking to you I said it’s not that she is dispelling my my uh uh prejudices that I’m putting on her already I’m thinking like oh she think this she in La she only wants this type of guy and then I started talking to you I said no it’s not that she just wants a resting place she wants to be covered and she wants to be covered properly and so often when you talk about love you talk about your father who was like shoot he was the epitome of a player he’s a gang man he Thug he all this type of stuff you call that cover he but he was a dad he was a father he didn’t play about us he has five girls and and I say two boys uh because he also claims my mother’s son too my my brother Shane as his son but one thing about my father um he didn’t play you know in the streets but he didn’t play about us and he covered me we talked about this last night he covered me I’m talking about financially emotionally if I had a problem I told you I was in Oregon cutting up with my first F and I said I called my dad and we were on the phone for 2 hours the whole argument I’m arguing with my fiance I’m on the phone with my daddy and I’m curs my fiance out my daddy’s saying baby just get yourself and get to the airport and I’m say I’mma kick the door down he’s like don’t kick the door down just walk out and you know and and so you baby you get more bees with honey if you start talking to men like this baby don’t talk to a man like that baby don’t wear the pants in the relationship baby stop so he was at daddy we was selling the phone for hour I’m talking about four or five hours of him just giving me wise counsel uh uh you know just facilitating my emotions and I talked to him until I I got to the airport boarded my plane he said baby how how you feeling are you okay that’s good and I said but I’ll be okay I’ll be okay Daddy you know so I got home and I went straight to him and he had his Jack and Coke and he said let’s sit and talk so he was a father right and that plays a big difference in how a woman chooses I’m not choosing out of Despair and in all due respect to the the women who are fatherless girls cuz that’s real that’s real but I’m not choosing out of Despair and before he passed away I used to call randomly and say Daddy thank you he go for what I said for not making me a father fatherless daughter and he say a baby I love you you’re welcome that’s so so I never knew life when I say we had a real marriage death is what did Us Part nothing else with my father and so it’s important it’s important but really quick you said something I love everything you said just love remember we talked last night when I said I said no um terce I’m like I want that high school kid love I said with adult responsibilities and um um responsibility and what I say did you say vulnerability no I said like adult responsibility and maturity and maturity but but I want what you just said that that little girl little boy we’re 15 16 in high school just in love but we’re adults now so we are responsible we’re mature yes the balance the balance your word hybrid hybrid hybrid everybody need a hybrid the word of the day is hybrid you want hybrid love Ceno can you throw me this this amazing hoodie that I stole from uh Cheyenne throw that to me uh this right here this is a hoodie that she said she going to put on her website but this right here this what I love right here high value and high functioning this is the word this is the the statement of the century because you have coined this phrase uh and you just broke down what that truly meant or whatever how can people even pick up this hoodie I know you got a book out you got a book coming uh do you have a a base camp a site that people can go and pick up merch and pick up all things uh Chey want me to show his his hoodie oh yeah that’s his that’s his his this his right here what does that say no low functioning Behavior allowed now Nick Nick Nick Hannon y’all will see it on Nick’s show we did some more sessions this is Nick’s daily affirmations I brought him this sweater and his homework is to read it if you don’t wear it once a day Nick that’s your homework wear you don’t wear it but you can get merch is I’m on tour um every weekend for the next six months so every single location if you go to any my speaking events or tour dates we have merch we have T-shirts hoodies and books many people want to get this on this website you going get onsite and it be on our website yes by the time this airs it’ll be on the website it’ll be on the website we going to air this coming to Wednesday did you know that oh shoot well you it should be on the website by then in the mean time you better come to one the shows some prale some pre-sale come to a show definitely man listen Cheyenne I thank you for your vulnerability I thank you for your transparency I thank you for not trying to act like you have it all together but to be able to say that you’re in process uh and in process you will progress so you will always progress in process and so I love that you are a woman that says this is this is the evolution of me at 42 years old um this is where I am this is where I am from a career standpoint this is where I am uh financially uh one thing that I I do respect that you even talk a lot about about your your money you know what I’m saying yeah you don’t you don’t throw about you don’t throw around all that stuff and in every conversation I’ve had with you you don’t you don’t you don’t never throw all that stuff around uh which is really really cool uh you you always speak from a place of core values who you are and and some of those soft skills that you have and what you desire and um accountability yeah cuz you told me I was soft last night in a good way you said yeah you you you’re very soft and feminine like cuz I believe at first I said cuz I said you be on the phone you be blank blank blank and cussing watching football all at first you said you said you can fight yeah real good I said I bet I bet you can fight her and then after a while you like you are you are hyri like you are so soft in like feminine what the heck just happened because you’re switch you know what I’m saying and but you did say something you said that this is so important for men to hear is that your feminine will acquest to a masculine and so if you’re around uh a masculine man that you a tendency to just be like well let me just dial that back let me rest let me be covered let me be taken care of and that’s what you said and I was like oh wow I never really thought really quick say what you said about women cuz it’s women need to hear this about the women who say they don’t want that they need their space maybe about that yeah you have women that be like listen um cuz I didn’t you know I think that you the way you operate You’ be the type of woman that if you marri somebody they need to live in a whole another and they you like no I’m I pack up I will go there I can want in my skin I want to be with him I love spending time I want to be as as in each other skin as much as we can and you said that’s different cuz a lot of women successful women especially they want their space they want a man away what did I say yeah uh what did you say I said that’s because a lot of women have never been covered they never been covered and that’s because a lot of women even if they had their father he wasn’t covering them there it is and so it’s not that they don’t want it it’s that they’ve never had and they are in fear that it would never come so they say you know what I don’t want it so to protect myself from the Heartbreak or the disappointment of you not doing it like I’ve never had it done I’m going to say I don’t want it but I’ve been covered and so for me it is just a part part of my fabric it’s you can’t not cover me as a woman even with just you and I as friends you covered me the whole time I’ve been here the whole time you covered me I’m talking about from airport to here y not even just saying as a gentleman I’m talking about your energy you as a man so that comes natural when all you know is I’m used to being covered I had a father that covered me and so this is why fathers you teach what you know you create who you are a woman is what her daddy makes her and a man is what his mama makes him pay attention to that pay attention to that pay attention to that you just always dropping gyms I’m trying to I’m trying to wrap this up and I’m sitting in there the a man is who his mother makes him H that’s good we going to chew on that Hey listen y’all go follow my homie uh of course you got a whole lot of followers she probably won’t even notice you if you following I play how many you got on Instagram a million something two two million two million and some change some change I bet you we could talk all about how that as you saw yourself climbing like what in the world is going on but uh it was it was everything I prayed for we talked about that last night with my dating situation and it was um everything I kept telling God like what are you taking so long for why you taking so long you taking so long and he he just you know like he does um he said girl I’m working you just keep showing up you ain’t ready I’m working and then um the moment that he knew woo the levy broke and he was like all right all right you want it gas here go the floodgates here thees and he said who’s your Daddy I said you do it every time you do it every time yes yes so you know but but again it happens but please be very clear on your request when I tell you no request bad or good returns void I mean that there it is and every request that I’ve had a I’m living in it like when I tell you I’m living in it I just sometimes I just I don’t know people do this and I think it’s good sometimes I pray and I pray for God I say God you know what does anybody ever pray for you does anyone ever pray for you and I just start praying for God and I said I pray God that you have whatever you need you don’t need anything so you say but you have whatever you need does anyone ever pray for you I’m so grateful that I literally just pray for God said I don’t want nothing I’m praying for you I’m praying for you you prayed for God I pray for God going let that go cuz that right there that right there hit differently and I know you got a session you got to hop on so I’m trying to respect your business um praying for God dang that’s that’s a different perspective y’all give it up for Dr shyen BR we praise for God that stay tuned to the end for a letter to my future wifey and wrting these love letters to you larian thrusted suddenly into Child Protective Services in 2015 my nephew black a boy the likelihood of been adopted outside of kinship slim to none Armani 16 years old black a boy with 5 years in the foster care system before I even knew his name the likelihood of ever been adopted yep you guessed it slim to none while laran and Armani were trying to survive and barely thrive in an overpopulated and underfunded fossil care system I was living my own life doing well professionally having been a single father with a daughter who at that point was doing well in college it was my time to live my life right wrong I felt unsettled tireless agitated there are just two many of our black children stuck in ambiguity and in the limbo of the foster care system in 2017 I legally adopted my nephew laran fast forward to 2019 I had no tiese to this other young king but I felt God instructed me to adopt him also and I obeyed starting over with parenting should have been enough right working with various foster care and adoption agencies to help bring awareness to the countless young black kings in the foster care system should have decreased my agitation right joining the board of directors of Advantage adoption an organization that helps find permanent adoptive homes for children in foster care should have led to some type of resolve right no not at all none of it felt like I had done enough I now realize that every one of those experiences was land the fundamental foundation for my life’s Mission Kingdom Royale Kingdom Royale will be a luxury state-of-the-art home for foster boys our first location will be in the Dallas Fort Worth Metroplex we will utilize the whole person approach that instills identity empowers them to advocate for themselves and enlightens them regarding New Perspectives and Limitless options that they thought were impossible though the young kings will attend the local public schools that are in proximity to Kingdom Royal our atome curriculum will broaden their worldview through participating in the Arts attending various cultural events learning about and engaging in multifaceted discussions about current events and even relevant historical context introducing them to gardening and Landscaping and even caring for our animals on our farm and on-site Stables we just launched our startup Capital campaign with the goal of raising $2.8 million now why $2.8 million well in 2017 I created a web series in which I performed random acts of kindness for targeting the homeless Community one of the most notable successes was that one of the videos went viral garnering 28 million views however one of my biggest regrets is that I didn’t raise a single dollar to help in implementing a more sustainable plan for the homeless community so through the years with much remorse I reflected on not maximizing that moment I knew if at that time just 10% of the viewers donated $1 we would have raised at least $2.8 million that could have really established long-term support for the homeless Community or at least started a long-term initiative to do so this is my doover this is our new beginning together we can attack this at the roof by specifically helping our homeless black boys who are already disproportionately represented in the American fossil care system I’m L terce are withfield I’ve been nominated for three regional emies documenting my work with the homeless as well as my personal adoption Journey despite those accolades the greatest award for me is truly providing the infrastructure for a transformed life visit Kingdom royale.com for more details Crown a king and make a donation today man I really enjoyed this episode that I did with Dr shyen Bryant that woman is a force to reckon with I love how vulnerable she is how transparent she is and how uh she stand T toes down on her preferences and I don’t have nothing but respect for that well here’s my favorite part of the podcast where I speak to my future wifey dear future wifey as I reflect on the kind of love I hope to give and receive I realize how important emotional intelligence is in building a meaningful and Lasting relationship that’s called EQ I want us to be connected not just by shared interest or physical attraction but by a deep understanding of each other’s emotions needs and unspoken thoughts whether you’re full of joy or feeling overwhelmed I want to be the safe place you can come to knowing that I’ll listen with empathy and respond with love when conflicts arise I know they will I want us to handle them with Grace instead of reacting impulsively I strive to respond thoughtfully acknowledging your perspective and managing my emotions in a way that brings us closer not further apart I want to master the art of effective communication with you the kind that Fosters deep intimacy I want us to communicate openly so we can understand each other’s triggers passions and dreams I’m committed to learning how to support you when you need it most I pray you’ll do the same for me your future hubby I hope you enjoyed this episode of the dear future wifey podcast remember be lit live intentionally and transparently and don’t stop loving make sure to subscribe to our dear future wifey YouTube channel we’re available on Apple podcast Google podcast Spotify and Stitcher we welcome your support simply share our podcast with your friends and family …