Part 1 of a Soft White Underbelly interview and portrait of Orion Taraban, psychologist in the San Francisco Bay area. Orion’s …
I I’ve I’ve worked with thousands of men in my private practice and in my consultations and men fall in love with strippers men fall in love with prostitutes men fall in love with women with personality disorders every single day why is that is it because these women love them so much is it because they’re kind is it because they’re supportive or virtuous no it’s because they [ __ ] these men to the point where their brains start to melt okay and when a man has brain melting face skewing life-altering sex it’s like a drug and it’s like all that that guy can think about and that guy isn’t going to just hit and quit a woman who does the freaky nasty [ __ ] for him because he knows he can’t get that on any street corner I think the question all men want to know it’s a very basic one is what do women want it’s a very heavy one there’s a lot to it right there is a lot to that that was the greatest mystery to Freud and the fathers of psychology the true and unsatisfying answer is women want what they want and the secondary to that is women want what other women want often women want what other women want more than they want what’s best for themselves this has to do with the fact that both men and women are playing two different games simultaneously both sexes are playing their own intrasexual status games and they’re also playing intersexual power games and it’s very difficult for a man to win both of those games or a woman to win both of those games simultaneously for instance uh a man could potentially s powerfully for a woman and be at her beck and call and yes dear sweetheart and buy her flowers and roses and that might work in the short term to attract a woman into a relationship but that man isn’t going to be elevated in status within his own intersexual hierarchy so other men aren’t really going to look at that behavior um admiringly admiringly and that’s going to be potentially a liability for that person by the same token a lot of modern women are in this trap where some of the behavior that might work to get them the kind of relationship they want from the men they want to have that relationship with is frowned upon by their fellow woman it’s basically the equivalent of sing in men and the equivalent of sing in men for women is anything that has to do with let’s say traditional reactionary feminine behavior that I am going to be submissive for a man that I am going to wait for him that’s how it used to be where a woman what was that in the Odyssey where Penelope waited for 20 years for odys to come home and all of the suitors of Greece had taken over her house and she still refused to believe that odyusa that I’m going to serve a man or make his life easier or do any kind of domestic help all of these things would be seen as almost a betrayal of her gender at this point and so even though those behaviors might instrumentally help her get the kind of relationship she wants with the man she wants to have that relationship with it would come at the cost of let’s say the respect of the women that she’s competing against in her own intersexual status games so this is kind of how we get into our own ways these days Allan you have a YouTube channel called psych hacks which is uh I believe is going to be it’s going to be the hottest YouTube channel in the world I think I I think it’s just the most fascinating thing I’ve ever seen on YouTube uh one of your talks is on how uh how is the titled any woman can a woman can get any man she wants how to get any man you want yes and it’s geared towards women there are three three steps to that right mm talk talk to me about about that sure first of all I’ll go a little bit more what I say in those three videos because this is important there are two general approaches to dating and I call them hunting and fishing hunting is where you can Target a very specific person for a potential relationship and you know pursue that one person fishing is more or less you cast a wide net and you develop optionality and and you choose the best option that also has already chosen you and I think it’s actually in most women’s best interests to hunt women can hunt in the dating Market much better than men can this is due to the fact that there is an enormous asymmetry between men and women’s openness to a sexual relationship I’m going to take a little bit detour I’m going to get back to your question uh one of my all-time favorite psychological studies took place on a college campus a few decades ago and the researchers were trying to examine men and women’s differential attitudes towards casual sex and what they did is they got a attractive young college man and an attractive young college woman and they basically memorized the same script and went up to members of the opposite sex on campus and the script was basically like hey I’ve seen you around school I think you’re very attractive would you like to come to bed with me something like that um women are always saying I want an honest guy I want a guy to tell me what his true intentions are this is about as honest and true as a guy can get how many women do you think responded Yes to that Overture oh they they’re all going to say no 100% 100% of the women approached that’s a 0% success rate said they were not interested in fact many of them got offended and angry at the the supposition and what happened with the woman when the woman approached men 75% said yes only 75 well that’s probably because the other 25% were looking for where the hidden camera was because this was such a strange and unusual circumstance they knew that something was up about this and so they probably their spidey sense was tingling and so they you know they holstered it and did the socially acceptable response that’s my interpretation anyway so the fact of the matter is is that most women could just go up to a guy and offer to initiate a sexual relationship and she is overwhelmingly likely to get a positive response now women generally respond well Orion that’s just sex I don’t want to just have a sexual relationship with a guy I want to have an emotional relationship I want to have a committed relationship and I say okay that’s that’s fine but how else are you going to get the foot in the door it’s like you have to understand women that sex is like the Trojan horse that gets you into the gates of the city that’s what allows men to open up and let you in now if they let you in and then they just kick you out well that was a blown opportunity like you once you’re in there are things that you can and should do to stay there but you can’t do those things until he lets you in and the way to be let in to the gates of the city is to provide a sexual opportunity and most men are willing to have sex with most women whereas the converse is certainly not true that’s why women can hunt and that’s why women should hunt they should Target specific men they should do their research they should try to do as much stalking you know broadly defined on their target as possible they need to know who is this guy what is he like what is he not like what are his foibles what’s his reputation like the more information that she has the more that she can bait her hook with for that particular man and of course the most succulent juicy bait is a sexual opportunity okay so once woman has decided that this is the man that she would like to Target for a relationship there’s a few things that she has to do one is she needs to make it clear that she is open to a sexual relationship that she is not going to put up much resistance at all there’s there’s a kind of an art to this if a woman just kind of goes up to a guy and says uh I’m yours that’s going to be kind of unusual and it’s going to make the guy potentially standoffish um so women have to like put themselves in front of the guy just like in olden days where they would kind of drop the handkerchief and bend over and the guy would be like H my lucky day you know it’s we often think of men initiating but often women initiate the initiation you understand um and if a woman is just waiting for a guy to do that and she’s not initiating the initiation I don’t have a lot of sympathy because she has this she’s sitting on this incredible gender specific success rate uh that has to do with initiation okay so a woman needs to make it clear that she is open to a sexual relationship with a guy because that’s the Trojan Horse to get into the City and in general to keep a man it’s important for a woman to not just offer a sexual opportunity but to be the nastiest [ __ ] version of herself possible and and there’s a number of good reasons for why this is true first of all and and foremost men whether or not it’s true but it’s mostly true men gauge a woman’s interest and attraction in him by what she is willing to do with him sexually it’s been very well documented and I think all men understand this on like a gut level that women will do more things faster with in the bedroom with men that they like and they’re attracted to than with men that they are not and so when a woman is the nastiest [ __ ] version of herself possible what she’s functionally communicating with her behavior which is the only thing that really matters not with her words but with her actions that you are the most desirable man I’ve ever met and I am willing to break the rules for you that I strongly and rigidly enforc with all other men and that’s going to play to a man’s ego absolutely which is a trap for men but women should absolutely use that to their advantage whenever possible I mean All is fair in Love and War right uh that’s going to make the man feel like he’s a king of the bdis uh he’s going to feel like and it’s going to put him in his masculine all good things because when a man is put into his masculine and he feels that there is a beautiful woman who is sexually submissive to him it triggers his instinct to protect and to provide which how does that not redound to the woman’s benefit you know what I’m saying it’s actually a very easy Con on the part of the women I don’t I don’t know a guy they wouldn’t fall for that it’s it’s very hard to do man so uh by being the nastiest [ __ ] version of of yourself possible women are communicating that I’m willing to to break the rules for you because I’m putting you above all other men which is going to make stimulate his ego and put him into that position now that’s also going to keep him coming back you have to understand that one of my very first episodes years ago was everyone is unique and everyone is replaceable both of those things are true that’s one of the paradoxes of being alive you are a unique individual No One Like You has ever existed before and will never exist again but once you’re gone people will be making interviews like this and PE and and once I’m gone people will be sitting here answering questions like this and that’s how the whole game continues forever and thank God for that or else everything would come crumbling down on some level so bad for the individual but good for society and the perpetuation of the game let’s put it that way so if a woman simply provides a run-of-the-mill sexual opportunity that’s very easy to replace and the fact of the matter is is that sex in today’s Marketplace is extremely cheap it’s cheap because sex must now preced commitment there’s a whole other Spiel I can give you about why that’s the case but let’s table that for now because I still want to answer your question that’s changed since our parents generation perhaps it’s certain it’s changed in the last 60 years and the main instigator of the change was birth control two minute sidebar the reason why commitment had to precede sex for so long is because the threat of pregnancy always loomed large and in that day it was extremely difficult if not impossible for a woman to earn her own money and to survive in society without the pro protection or provision of a man or a governmental program that served as its surrogate and all of those things have changed the reason why commit commitment was required before sex was because the stakes of a woman becoming pregnant outside of marriage were extremely high and it was upheld socially because if that man couldn’t be persuaded or coerced to commit then that single unwed mother and her children would have become society’s problem so all of these things have changed women can and do earn their own money there are all kinds of governmental programs to subsidize single mothers men whether they commit to this Arrangement or not are legally required to give women child support uh for the children that they sire in some cases even for the children that they don’t so the circumstances for requiring commitment prior to sex have shifted and one once a few women started to be okay with a sexual relationship prior to an exclusive commitment or marriage once a critical mass was reached then functionally all other women had to do the same in order to remain competitive within the sexual Marketplace because in today’s day and age if a woman were if you were to go out in the first date with a woman she were to insist well I’m not going to have sex until I get married especially if she’s not a virgin uh I mean she’s going to price herself out of the sexual Marketplace that’s going to be too expensive for any given man when there’s a woman two swipes away who’s going to be willing to go home with him for a drink or two so that’s the situation that we live in For Better or For Worse so sex is kind of the standard we used to say why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free right well that presumes that milk wasn’t being freely distributed in the pasture but now that milk is freely being distributed in the pasture you have to give milk not because milk will motivate anyone to make the sale but because not providing milk is going to be an a strange absence it’s going to it’s going to be more expensive for the buyer in a way that none of the competitors are requiring okay so this is the world that we live in For Better or For Worse so when women provide a sexual opportunity it’s a good idea to not just be a run-of-the bill sexual opportunity because let me tell you I’ve I’ve worked with thousands of men in my private practice and in my consultations and men fall in love with strippers men fall in love with prostitutes men fall in love with women with personality disorders every single day why is that is it because these women love them so much is it because they’re kind is it because they’re supportive or virtuous no it’s because they [ __ ] these men to the point where their brains start to melt okay and when a man has brain melting face ske life-altering sex it’s like a drug and it’s like all that that guy can think about and that guy isn’t going to just hit and quit a woman who does the freaky nasty [ __ ] for him because he knows he can’t get that on any Street Corner that’s the second time I’ve laughed in 8,000 interviews the first time was last week so I mean does this make sense to you it makes perfect sense okay so the they used to say that the weight to a man’s heartest through his stomach it’s actually just a few inches lower and there’s no reason why I mean all these are are like Behavior AV there’s no reason why a non stripper SL prostitute SL borderline couldn’t learn to do some of the things in the bedroom that these women tend to do and to get men obsessed with them okay so once you target a man and you provide the sexual opportunity and you’re the nasti [ __ ] version of yourself then you have an in like you’re within the city and you’re you’re not going to be kicked out anytime soon you’re not going to be pumped and dumped if you an amazing over-the-top sexual experience okay it’s very very important and you don’t want to do this with everybody because that just is a race to the bottom too because it becomes harder and harder to be the nastiest [ __ ] version of yourself if you’re that with every single guy that’s why you have to do your homework and you want to hunt and you want to Target specific men be selective it’s important to be very select itive as a woman because men have all a very understandable but from a woman’s perspective extremely frustrating double standard with respect to female Chastity Chastity is something that they would highly prize in a wife and don’t want to see anything in a casual lover but the fact of the matter is that the pathway to become a wife for the vast majority of women is through the Casual lover route most women will see this happening they’ll be with a guy casually for some months maybe even some years and then the guy will catch feelings usually guys it takes a little bit longer for them to catch feelings and then they’ll start to ask questions how many guys you’ve been with you know what’s your family like Patrice O’Neal had this great joke once where his girlfriend had been with him for seven years and he had been with her for four like it took 3 years for him to kind of like see that woman as his girlfriend you know and that’s when the relationship begins to shift and that’s when the guy starts to become a little bit more possessive potentially you know don’t go out to the club or why are you dressed like that they’re not going to act like that on the first date they’re just looking to smash right so the fact of the matter is most men don’t show up on first dates thinking oh please please Jesus alab Buddha make this the last date I ever have to go on I’m ready for the one I’m ready for my wife I want to settle down today they’re looking they’re thinking I hope she mostly looks like her pictures and she lets me Smash that’s what most guys are thinking and so to get and and and a lot of women when they show up to their first date they’re not thinking I sure hope this guy just buys me a couple drinks uses me sexually and never calls me again you know and yet that can happen right so it’s like most women don’t show up on a date thinking or expecting that they’re going to go back to a guy’s house and have sex and yet that happens every like all the time right why because that guy had a plan that guy had some game and that guy was moving the interaction in the direction of that kind of relationship the same thing happens for the committed relationships that women want they don’t just happen they happen because a woman had a plan she had some game and she was guiding the relationship in the direction of that kind of encounter very few guys are going to give that uh voluntarily just like very few women are just handing out sex to guys just because they want it right wanting is free it costs nothing to want things my wanting sex from women has never persuaded any single woman to give it to me in my entire life why would a woman wanting commitment or marriage or exclusivity or Etc why should that motivate me in and of itself to give that to her like there has has to be some back and forth there has to be some strategy and there has to be some uh the value proposition has to make sense so to boil down the transaction that’s hopefully taking place the woman is looking for a commitment and uh a better lifestyle MH and the man is looking for an attractive sexual partner most guys don’t get beyond that that’s right they’re like I just I wanted to have sex that’s why I called you up you looked hot and event hopefully they develop feelings often not always not always but yeah I mean what did Hannah Lector say we covet what we see every day so it’s like you and there’s the psychological term for that I think is the mere exposure effect which is the well-documented phenomenon that people just feel more positively towards people Brands ideas that they see every day that’s part of why marketing works is that if I give you two Brands and you’ve heard of this one and you haven’t heard of this one you’re going to feel more positively disposed towards this one just because you’re familiar with it in fact a great deal of dating and the emotion attached to that is really just familiarity as opposed to let’s say love but I digress okay so a woman’s in she’s now being the nasty [ __ ] version of herself so how can she convert that into the kind of relationship that she wants the key key it to stay there the key to deepen the intimacy of that relationship Beyond um pure sexual Dynamic is for the woman to become useful she has to be of use to the man in order to justify her introduction into increasingly intimate Circles of his lifestyle so let’s go out in the limb and say that the men that the women are generally targeting for their relation ships are not just like Schmo who are sleeping on the couch in their parents’ basement these are generally guys who are successful who are rich who are high status who have prestigious professions maybe they’re famous like these women weren’t there for this guy’s struggles they weren’t there for when he was upand coming they’re targeting him now because of his fully extrapolated lifestyle style okay that’s basically the biggest bait that men can use to attract women is Lifestyle the joke is basically that men want the Barbie doll that’s it you know we we’ll take the clothes off and just we want the doll don’t tell me the name don’t tell me the story we just want the doll and what women want is all the [ __ ] the kend doll comes with that’s why there’s Cowboy Ken and there’s stock broker Ken and there’s Malibu Stacy Ken and they’ll throw the Ken away and they’ll just play with the accessories in the Dreamhouse and that’s why the gendered complaints always fall along the lines of the man is just using me the woman for sex and the woman is just using me the man for my resources and won’t even [ __ ] me I have never ever in my life heard a woman complain to me I pay for the house I pay for the car I gave him the kids that he wanted and he still won’t touch me I’ve never heard that not even once and I’ve never heard a man complain that he was just being used by a woman sexually I sometimes in my past I’ve wondered if I just wasn’t attractive enough to be used sexually by a woman I mean I I think it might even be kind of a refreshing uh change of pace and that’s an interesting failure intersexual understanding that men don’t often see the problem of being sexually objectified because they think it’s a compliment but I can see how it would be uncomfortable for women to be sexually objectified by men that they don’t want to be sexually objectified by so once you’re in you want to be useful this guy has been targeted by you because he’s got a lot going on don’t create problems for him because the more you rock the boat the more time energy and attention he has to take away from everything that’s working which is why you’re there is to enjoy the extrapolated lifestyle to focus on you so don’t rock the boat don’t make any unnecessary problems and then look around like open your eyes open your ears listen to the guy the guy will tell you all the time where he’s struggling where he still needs assistance where his bottlenecks happen to be and then just start to help him just start to help him if if you see that something needs to be done and no one else is doing it congrad your [ __ ] lation you’ve just been elected you know and why would you do this because I know a lot of women out there are thinking ran this is a terrible idea I’m going to have to like what am I getting out of all this I have to do all this stuff for a man well what you’re getting out of this is job security because the idea here is once you start to do things in an instrumental way that are necessary for the maintenance and the propagation of this man’s lifestyle you become essentially indispensable to the whole Machinery it’s would be very difficult or painful to extricate you from all of the good stuff that that guy has that’s where he’s vulnerable where he needs help because if you show up that’s an don’t see that as like a chore see that as an opportunity oh I’ll take care of that that’s great um because it gives you one more like purchase into that life if you can take care of that it’s going to be very very difficult to get rid of you and it also means that you’re going to be around more and more and you’re going to be privy to increasingly levels of intimacy in his lifestyle and that’s basically how you achieve de facto commitment and exclusivity from a man and you’re integrating yourself into his life and you’re also the best sexual partner he’s probably ever had that man is never going to [ __ ] leave you if you [ __ ] his brains out don’t cause problems and help him men are not difficult like you can get any man that you want and keep him if you do those things he could be a millionaire he could be a billionaire he could be an athlete he could be a celebrity he could be a neurosurgeon you could be a rock star whatever floats your boat that’s what you do but there’s still one thing a woman can do to screw it up yes so women got in touch with me and they said Orion I tried all those things and it still didn’t work and I believe them some women do do those things I mean there are certainly some women out there I mentioned some of them who know exactly what sexual buttons to push a man to turn him into jelly and they are great with let’s say the love bombing and they show up and they overd deliver with what they’re willing to do in the context of that relationship maybe they don’t do it quite long enough to really be fully integrated into his lifestyle but they do those things a lot of women unfortunately can snatch defeat from the jaws of success by doing one thing and that one thing is disrespecting men this is what I call the unbreakable rule a woman can never ever ever allow herself to disrespect the man that she wants to be in a long-term committed relationship with and there’s a number of reasons for that but one of the least appreciated ones is that if a woman allows herself to disrespect this man and he allows that as well then over time the dynamic of that relationship will shift to the point where that woman is functionally with a shell of a man that is no longer a person that she can respect or be attracted to and that’s generally when she looks for the the door so disrespecting a man usually provokes conflict which rocks the boat which goes against the things that I was talking about earlier and it decreases a woman’s own attraction for a man especially if he doesn’t respond effectively um and what do they say in the Bible it’s like a a a wise woman builds her house with her hands and tears it down my ellipses with her mouth it’s like a lot of women will open their mouth and talk their way out of the relationship that they could have had with the men who actually wanted to have it with them and they do this because in the moment they might be frustrated or impatient so it’s emotional regulation and self soothing uh women also disres ECT men in less obvious ways I mean obvious ways are verbal abuse criticism physical abuse um mocking especially in front of other people but a woman can also disrespect a man by demanding explanations by interrogating him these are forms of disrespect because they play inappropriately with power differentials the right to demand an explanation the right to ask questions always goes from the high to the low it never goes the other way around just think about the military if I were your commanding officer and I called you in and I told you about a mission you wouldn’t have the right to ask me a bunch of questions before you decided whether you were going to accept the mission you know um you that would be insubordination and it wouldn’t be tolerated so there is a way to get the kind of information that you want from a man without interrogating without shaming without demanding you do not have to always agree with a man that would be impossible because Men We Men do all kinds of boneheaded things all [ __ ] time so women do not have to approve of a guy but they absolutely have to find ways to disapprove disagree without disrespecting and that’s absolutely something that can be possible the general rule of thumb is if you wouldn’t say that in that way to your boss if you were interested in keeping your job you shouldn’t say that to a man so that was some great advice for the women what do men need to provide in order to find the woman they want it seems the ability to provide a better lifestyle is the number one thing a woman is looking for right oh generally yes so women treat men the way men treat jobs and this will help men not take the dating process as personally as they might otherwise think of it this way you might as a man have no problems at your current employment you might feel that you’re perfectly happy there but if one day a recruiter called up and said hey Orion I got an offer for you would you be interested in coming over to this company will triple your salary we’ll give you unlimited paid time off we’ll give you a promotion and we’ll make sure that you never have to work on any of the projects you don’t want to work on ever again I’ll take it you’re at least going to consider that offer strongly and the vast majority of people are going to say you know what there’s no problem here but I have to do this for my career and that’s what a lot of guys hear especially when they’re young when the women break things off because in the vast majority of cases that’s what women do they say something like you know you were great I don’t have any complaints about this I just have to do this for me this is something that I need to do for myself right now it’s it’s the same thing and everybody will understand at that company that this was the right move for your career no one is going to say oh after all all we’ve done for you it’s like it’s a [ __ ] job it’s business and if that person were in the same position he or she would also have accepted the offer as well so we don’t need to get on our high horse and pretend uh to a righteousness that we probably don’t possess so the best way to attract a woman is to be a woman’s best offer to be a woman’s best option okay and this is no small small feet because when you’re 18 and you’re a man you have [ __ ] all like it’s extremely difficult to be a young man in today’s society and it is not appreciated at all in popular culture um it’s very very difficult because at 18 women don’t want you because you have nothing that women want you don’t have any wealth you don’t have any status you don’t have any emotional maturity you’re not ready to settle down and have kids you’re useless you’re just a big throbbing Hardon and you can’t even use that to transact for anything of interest for the woman and you’re kind of useless to men because you have no skills you have no experience you have no Mastery you’re a liability on the [ __ ] team like I can help you you can’t help me God forbid I have to fall cuz are you going to catch me absolutely not so it’s like young men are double [ __ ] they’re at the the lowest of the low of all of their status hierarchies that they have to compete in and they can be that way for 10 years because it can take about that long to develop an emotionally compelling lifestyle that might be the best option for a woman that that man is authentically attracted to okay so what do men have to do it’s it’s they have to do a lot and the first thing they have to do is they have to learn how to wait so this has to do with the let’s call it the normalized sexual Marketplace values of men and women according to the research so women’s normaliz sexual Marketplace value Peaks at 18 years old and drops precipitously from that day forward it never rises again men’s normaliz sexual Marketplace value is lowest at 18 Gra gradually Rises up until about 40 remains constant for about another 20 years and then slowly declines into old age it isn’t until 30 years old that the average male sexual Marketplace value exceeds the average woman’s sexual Marketplace value for the very first time this means that women’s default action is to act like all things being equal they will never be in a moment where they can demand the relationship they want from the man they want to have it with then today because for the vast majority of women this is when they’re going to have their highest valuation in the sexual Marketplace so their default is to act on the other hand most men will never be more disadvantaged in the sexual Market Place than they are today with each passing year they accumulate more experience more wealth more status more Prestige and these are the things that are instrumentally connected to women’s attraction to men so the first thing that men need to learn how to do is to wait because it could be a while it could be a while before they can start to enjoy an advantage in the sexual Marketplace and most guys don’t get there in the sense that they commit and foreclose before they experience that possibility it’s not a coincidence that the average age at first marriage in this country is 29 remember I just said that 30 is the day when or the the year when the sexual Marketplace polarity switches for the very first time and it never ever returns so most marriages happen at the last moment that a woman enjoys a power differential over the man in the sexual Marketplace this is the smartest [ __ ] thing that she could possibly do because if she were to wait another year or two she might not have been able to get that same commitment even from that same man because she will have declined a little bit and he will have gone and he be like oh well wait a minute I’m starting to get some options here I’m I kind of feel attractive women are kind of showing themselves that they’re interested in me maybe for the very first time you know what I’m saying but most men never get to a place where they are more attractive than most of the women that they’re dealing with and so they think that it’s almost like just a woman’s right or an innate privilege to have that kind of Attraction it’s it’s not it it’s just a consequence of being in a favorable moment in the sexual Marketplace men don’t always get there they have to play their cards right but they might get there eventually later in life like a uh a division one athlete um or a profession athlete a little bit later in life uh a partner at a prestigious Law Firm a a politician these guys they understand that because they’ve played their cars right they have incredible optionality with women these days okay so men need to learn how to wait so what do they have to but they can’t just sit there so that men have to do three things really to become attractive to women and these are things that I am extrapolating in the context of my metaphor for the sexual Marketplace which is a big dock like a a pier where all the ships Moore right is that women are looking for a captain and there are three things that men have to do to become a Captain they have to build a boat they have to learn to sail and they have to plot a course build a boat learn to sale plot of course and those three things can take 10 years at least to do and if it’s going to take 10 years you might as well get started right so build a boat is a metaphor for your lifestyle it’s going to take two things to build a boat resources because wood ain’t free and it’s going to take knowledge the the knowledge is a part that doesn’t get a lot of airtime in today’s society everyone’s thinking about the money money is extremely important but if you don’t have knowledge about how money Works you’re not going to be able to keep the money if your fool ass actually looks out is able to get it you know if if you don’t understand what women are and how they operate you’re not going to be able to keep one if you actually have the Good Fortune to attract one into your life do you understand so the knowledge that we’re looking for is awareness for how reality actually works not how we want it to work not how we think it should work not how our society tells us it’s supposed to look but how it actually works because if we can understand the principles and the laws by which reality operates we can flow with those currents and we won’t be vulnerable when we’re out on the Open Sea so we need resources and we need the knowledge and experience to be able to maintain all those good things that we built indefinitely because what’s the point in taking a a castle if we can’t keep it right um then we have to learn how to sail which is the development of some kind of Mastery or expertise the fact of the matter is that women want successful guys and successful men are not necessarily virtuous men they’re not necessarily good men they’re not necessarily the best men or Nice Guys the fact of the matter is that that successful men are men that other people want things from that’s it successful men are successful to the extent that lots of people want things from them the more people want things from you the more successful you are as a man if nobody wants anything from you no one will give you the [ __ ] time of day if you’re a guy that’s just how is now this is the flip side of the male this is the male experience to the equivalent to the let’s say the sexual objectification that women complain about and experience oh men just want to [ __ ] me it’s like yeah kind of and if they didn’t they wouldn’t be talking to you the flips the equivalent of that is well these women just want things from me it’s like yeah but if they didn’t they wouldn’t be talking to you dude so it’s like pick your poison we both have have our struggles to deal with but ultimately we have to be useful to others and a successful man has developed a solution for a problem that many people have and those people will line up with dollars in their hand to hand it over to that guy for that solution okay so this could be anything from being a successful Community plumber to being a uh a a startup entrepreneur with the next app that’s going to solve a a social crisis um it it could be anything but you need to be able to solve many people’s problems and many people will need to want things from you in order to be successful that’s learning how to sail and the third component is plotting a course this is really important is every man needs to have an overarching mission to his life um this is important because because when we’re out in the open sea it’s where there are no features of land it’s very easy to get lost and how did The Navigators of old Traverse the wastes by looking at the stars because the Stars relative to the earth move in very fixed patterns we also will be blown off course by currents and weather and if we don’t have a star to Sail by it’s going to be very difficult to get ourselves back on course and we can’t get oursel back on course if we of course we never had a course to begin with so the overarching mission to a man’s life also prevents him from doing stupid things with respect to women like making women the center of his life the the fastest way to lose a woman is to make her the center of your life because women want a guy who’s on his [ __ ] he wants they want a guy with ambition with drive with purpose they don’t want to be that ambition drive or purpose they want to be next to the guy with those things and to enjoy the fruits of all of that ambition drive and purpose but if the woman becomes the ambition drive and purpose then functionally the whole operation begins to fall apart and this also helps a guy to resist the urge to appease in moments of crisis with a woman because it can very much happen in the course of a relationship where an unhappy woman might make certain unreasonable demands of a man either you you you work too much you spend too much time at work so either you need to spend more time at home or I’m walking for instance well of course him working so much is part of the reason why she was attracted to him to begin with him working so much is what what got him the money and the houses and the reputation that made it likely that she chose him over all her other options she doesn’t say when she goes out to dinner or on vacations or when she drives her car that it’s too bad that the guy works so much and if this man in that moment were to cater to that woman’s demand and he were to lose both his professional reputation and success and the relationship he would deserve it that would be his foyble and that’s where men are mostly weak is they a lot of guys find it very difficult to stand up to a woman’s negative emotionality whether it’s their anger and their upsetness or their tears or their guilt tripping or their shaming all men it seems have an emotional THB screw there’s like one emotion for whatever reason is particularly difficult for them to bear and if a woman sticks around you long enough she’s going to figure out what that emotion is and if she twists the screw on that particular emotion and you bend and you appease and you change as a consequence of attempting to avoid that temporary pain and discomfort of coming into contact with that unpreferred emotion what you will do is create a monster in your relationship because you’d be training this woman unconsciously to know that whenever she really needed to get what she wanted all she had to do was hurt you in this way and she loses respect she loses respect and the guy feels even less appreciated as well because she be can she often doesn’t even want the thing that she’s demanding in that moment so it’s it’s just not a a bad it’s a it’s a very bad idea let’s put it that way so that’s what men have to do to attract a woman they have to build a ship which is to develop an extrapolated interesting emotionally compelling lifestyle they have to learn to sale which is they have to develop expertise and skills that are of use to other people and they have to plot a course they need to have an overarching mission to their life something that is more important to them than I guess anything else really it has to be more important than anything else if it’s not then a woman will figure out what that other thing will be and that will be your downfall that will be your downfall so you’ve told us what women can do to get the man they want and you’ve told us what men could do to get the women they want but there’s more to it isn’t there of course the game oh yeah the game is infinite I can be a wealthy handsome man with a great future sitting at a bar on Saturday night and nothing’s going to happen for me right correct especially if you’re a man if you are a decently attractive woman and you were to sit by yourself at a bar on a Saturday night whether you wanted it or not you would soon have company but a man could be brilliant he could be rich he could be a neurosurgeon and he could drink by himself all night okay so men need game in the the sense of they need to put on they need some strategy in order to attract the opposite sex that’s very different from the strategies that women do I’m not going to say that women don’t have to do that they do all kinds of things to their appearance right because that’s generally what’s most important to men especially on first blush with respect to their attraction to women so they do all kinds of things with respect to their figure and their dress and their fashion and their makeup and things like that men For Better or For Worse we don’t really have to worry about that as much so there are a few different strategies that consistently work to increase your attraction as a man to women let’s see if I can remember them um cocky and playful is a is an old standby from the pickup Community um being like this is a tough one it’s not the best one but being like funny being the funny guy can work like there’s um but it can also backfire because at some point you do have to kind of transition from being kind of like Goofy and playful to being sexual and sometimes that can feel like a bait and switch to a woman Patrice O’Neal used to say I wish I didn’t have to laugh my way into [ __ ] but that was what he had to do apparently um there is also like low low activation game which is just sort of like confidence and not giving a woman much uh energy that works if you already have let’s say some reputation buyin if you have a a table in the VIP bottle section of a club for instance you already have some social validation that you have the money to spend on that so you don’t necessarily have to work as hard to attract attention to yourself because like you did that passively with respect to your structure and so you can actually kind of be a little bit more aloof and withdrawn which makes you potentially seem even more attractive in that moment right uh but the essence of game is to stimulate an emotional reaction in a woman that is the the easiest way to seduce a woman is to stimulate an emotional response in her um and it doesn’t even really matter what the emotion is it doesn’t even have to be a positive emotion I mean that’s why negging works on some level um which is disrespecting it’s a it’s a teasing playful disrespecting yes it’s sort of like treating a girl like your bratty little sister so it’s not it should be anyway a real coldhearted harsh um disrespect it should be playful playful the idea here is is that I’m so confident in your presence that I can I can kind of toy with your beauty that I know will Dazzle and stun and petrify other men I it has no effect on me confidence goes a long way confidence is amazing so one of the things that a lot of guys don’t understand so I I’ve had many a few different careers in my life so far I used to be an actor and when I was an actor as a young man it was easier for me to get laid than when I was a rich successful doctor it’s changed a little bit now that I’m somewhat famous but until I started the YouTube channel and it blew up it was much much harder for me to get laid as a successful entrepreneur doctor than being a broke theater actor in New York City and this is baffling to guys but the fact of the matter is is that you do not need money to get laid you might need money if you want to get married but you definitely don’t need money to get laid and a lot of guys and it’s a a kind of a function of their male rational mindset they listen to talks online or they buy programs and they what do women want and they say Okay women want abs women want tall guys women want uh Rich guys and they think okay well some of those things I can do some of those things I can’t do so but it’s like okay I’ll get the ABS check I’ll get the money check and so now all I have to do is go up into in front of a woman and say in so many ways just let know hey I am a rich guy with abs and they’re going they’re supposed to just like line up to [ __ ] them and let me tell you that that’s that’s not how it works um so I call those things attraction proxies guys really want women to become attracted to them they hear that these things are what women in general want and so they say well I’ll just get those things and then the attraction will be taken care of and that’s not true I do all the time with guys who have super Yachts down in Miami who fly private jets and who cannot get [ __ ] laid because they have no experience picking women up they don’t know how to talk to beautiful women in particular they don’t have any problems with the ones they’re not attracted to generally but obviously that’s not the ones that they want the way to get laid is to learn how to seduce a woman that’s it like you don’t need ABS you don’t need money what you need is seduction technique and the core of Seduction is the ability to stimulate an emotional response in somebody else and to guide them through an emotional Journey that ultimately culminates in a sexual experience that you’ve more or less curated for that person there’s a saying that goes a man wants a good girl who’s only bad with him and a woman wants a bad boy who’s only good to her that’s great yeah I heard that one about a year ago it resonated with me it’s true why do women love [ __ ] why do women love [ __ ] well there’s a number of reasons for that and there are good reasons first of all um an [ __ ] is generally somebody who doesn’t care about another person’s feelings this isn’t my term this is a term that a lot of guys use when they’re when they’re losing out I hear we can use that term [ __ ] I got no problem with asshol um but let’s break it down like what [ __ ] do get laid a lot they certainly get laid over the nice guys so what are [ __ ] doing or or how are they being with women that is allowing them to have and enjoy greater success than the the the nice guys out there well like I said one of the first things about [ __ ] is they don’t care how other people feel and what did I just say a few minutes ago is like the Achilles heal for most men is the negative expressed emotion of women I’m upset with you I’m angry with you they start to cry it’s like on some level a nice guy will be too empathetic will say oh I’m uncomfortable with This Woman’s distress I am going to change myself I’m going to change the situation I’m going to change the relationship I will change reality itself if I can to get this woman to stop crying or to get this woman to stop being angry with me without necessarily considering whether or not this woman has a [ __ ] point whether her tears are Justified whether her anger is Justified like for better for worse men and women can get angry inappropriately maybe she’s doing it just to see how spineless you are it’s possible I mean we call those [ __ ] tests right and a lot of what happens in testing is unconscious I I think that there are some conscious intentional tests that women will do towards men but I think personally and professionally the majority of testing occurs below the threshold of awareness for women so an [ __ ] isn’t vulnerable to those displays because on some level he doesn’t give a [ __ ] he says sweetheart if you want to be upset with me that’s fine that’s your you’re right why why do I need you to be upset or to be not upset it’s you’re a full- grown adult like if you want to be angry if you want to be out of sorts if you want to be despondent and sulky hey no skin off my back I don’t have to feel those feelings I felt them I know they’re not pleasant that’s why I prefer not to experience them but for whatever reason you want to feel that way knock yourself out sweetheart I’m not going to stand in the way of you and your feelings and let me tell you to the extent that those feelings were instrumentally attempting to change that man’s behavior if a man responds that way that emotion will disappear very quickly because it doesn’t work most things most people don’t persist in strategies that don’t work if someone persists in a strategy it’s because it at least partly works the word dysfunction is mostly the word function dysfunction is mostly functional in that it gets what it wants that’s why it exists so if you want to look at any dysfunctional Behavior you have to understand that at least for a very long time and at least partly it has succeeded in getting that person what he or she wants that’s why it’s persisted through time that’s it and if you were to change the operant conditioning like the Rewards or punishments as a consequence of that behavior consistently there’re out you would very quickly change that behavior that’s the only thing that works so that’s one reason why women like [ __ ] is because they don’t bend in ways that nice guys do that ultimately lead to the disintegration of the relationship and the attraction that she felt for the guy to enter into the relationship to begin with um and this also extends to other people out there it’s it’s sort of like why does why does the woman gravitate towards the biggest scariest guy in the room often because he’s the safest one now you might think well he sure doesn’t look safe with all of those tattoos and and the the the leather jackets and the kind of like growly stare well he might not be safe to you another guy but he’s safe to her because she’s thinking if I’m with that guy no other guy’s gonna [ __ ] with him so I want to be with the guy that no other guy is GNA [ __ ] with and [ __ ] they fight back they don’t just say oh oh sorry uh maybe I did something wrong there let’s let’s work to friends you know get along an [ __ ] will be like go [ __ ] yourself man why would you do that and they they they have don’t have a problem being disagreeable and they don’t have a problem fighting for what they believe in now some [ __ ] are narcissistic and what they believe in is just their own misguided self-interest but not all of them right so but in any case they are willing to fight for what they believe and what they want and that’s what makes them more safe to women than guys who aren’t willing to fight uh [ __ ] also often know that people don’t like them and they’ve developed a kind of social callous around that which gives them a social Freedom when you talk to most guys the thing that paralyzes them socially whether it’s with other guys at parties to make new friends or with women picking them up is they’re afraid that they’re going to look awkward or they’re going to say something and people aren’t going to like them but when you’re an [ __ ] people already don’t like you I mean what’s the [ __ ] threat here you know what I’m saying so because I’m used to people not liking me because there are people today right now who don’t like me and I can deal with it I have a social Freedom that you don’t I can speak my truth because I know what happens when people disapprove or disagree with me and they hate me not much like they get all been out of sorts and life goes on [ __ ] often get into trouble because they all they also understand that um rules are this is going to sound shitty but rules are really just suggestions to maintain social cohesion at the mass level but every rule has an exception every rule was created by people and so so every rule can actually be undone by people as well an [ __ ] knows that uh it’s not a virtue to Simply uh follow a rule because it’s a rule like it has to make sense it has to uh support I guess his goals whether they’re personal or the social goals and he doesn’t mind necessarily transgressing those rules from time to time and getting into trouble because trouble is not really a real Concept in many respects um some of the the darkest moments that some of the people I look up to have been in were really were really ways for them to launch their careers and their missions to an even higher greater level like when when Dr King was arrested and thrown into the Birmingham Jail do you really think that he was in trouble I mean he has a mug shot he was arrested there he was in jail in handcuffs that’s about as bad as it gets in today’s society but it was an opportunity for him to write some letters and it was then a pivot point to D to draw even more attention to a social cause which generated even more momentum trouble like a a master can use anything to it to his benefit trouble is wasted on those are just the unmas like nothing can go to waste to a Master not not a crisis not a not a disaster not a disagreement anything can be used to serve once you understand reality once you have exper experience and expertise and once you know what your purpose and Mission is anything can be used to further that you have nothing to fear so I would say that in many respects that’s why women like [ __ ] excellent fascinating talk let’s take a little break and I’ll we’ll continue this and I’ll post it in a week for people that want want to hear more of ay thank you all right thank you …