dating coach for women
what are the most common complaints that you’re hearing from the women that you coach about the men that they’re dating what are the issues that they’re coming up against most frequently um I suppose they’re not ready they don’t want to commit I want something meaningful I want something that’s actually going to go somewhere and this person is just kind of stringing me along or they can’t seem to they a lot of people wouldn’t frame it like this person stringing me along because that kind of there’s a hard thing to admit but they may say this person keeps saying they’re not ready and they’re just not quite there yet and they’re not sure and so I think the indecisiveness of men and the inability to actually commit is that’s gotta be the top one I would say well that would run counter a little bit to a lot of what you hear about on the internet which would be that most men are struggling to find a date that they can’t get attention from women that women are actually looking for attention from the top man as much as possible and in my experience this you know I’ve stood on the front door of a thousand events and met a million people across my entire life you know 18 to 21 year old guys and girls aren’t exactly known for their maturity especially not in the UK especially not when they’re drunk and yet in my experience most of the girls even at that age were looking for maybe it wasn’t a particularly mature form of commitment but they were looking for commitment they’re looking for a guy that they could hold hands with and go away to a little summer vacation with and do Christmas markets in December it seems to me that a lot of the a lot of the concerns that guys have around what women want and the issues that they’re facing don’t seem to match up massively what are the concerns that guys have I think that the big ones are that they’re not going to be found attractive that they’re going to be seen as creepy if they approach them if they try to do online dating that they’re not going to be responded to if they try to approach them in the real world that they’re going to be seen as some metoo Predator that she is going to trade up because there is an endless hierarchy of guys that could fly her out to Dubai there’s some shake on the other side of Instagram that’s going to dhammer and put her on a five-star flight to to take her out to Dubai and uh that you know this is this is the world that we live in now that girls have more opportunities than ever before because it’s been afforded by social media which means that the top few guys are going to eat and everybody else is going to starve I sympathize I with guys on all of those things I I feel I really it touches me when you say it because I I think that there is it’s a really hard thing for anyone to feel invisible and and what’s more to feel like even if I’m briefly visible I will become invisible again the moment this person comes across someone with more and when I hear that I come to two immediate conclusions one is choose well choose someone as a man who truly is you know one of the phrases Audrey used all the time when we were dating and getting to know each other she kept saying as a philosophy for her life I just believe in chasing the right things that you will always be kind of not punished but life will always like give you its comeuppance if you chase the wrong things and you’ll always have to end up at some point circling back to the right thing it’s just when you just decide to do it and I’ve come to look at that as like one of my key mantras for life I look at all the time am I chasing the right thing or the wrong thing here and I think that a lot of guys are struggling because they’re chasing the wrong thing um they themselves you know it’s there is an entitlement among a lot of guys that I I should have this and it we the funny thing about dating is that we end up accusing each other of exactly the thing that we’re doing and we really hate the other side for doing it but it is exactly what we’re doing it’s one Community saying it’s disgraceful how shallow they are that I have to be a certain height for them to even pay attention to me and meanwhile they’re going why don’t I have the top one percent of women you’re going what are you talking about it’s literally you just did exactly the same thing you just said there was a top one percent and you’re not interested in the rest that there is a hypocrite on both sides there is a hypocrisy there that I really struggle with and I think the more we can get to a point where we go what are the counter-cultural compromises that I am willing to make in order to actually live a happy life not a life that everyone else says is so impressive not a life where I finally go look I made it I’m dating the cheerleader a life that’s actually making you happy because you’ve you’ve selected for the right things what counter-cultural compromises will you have to make for that we talked earlier about because I know for me I’m all about looking at that on both sides we talked earlier about women who might say well I want to date someone who’s at my level and I want to go well let’s redefine what you class as your level do you mean your level for kindness your level for generosity your level for empathy your level for being loyal or do you mean your level of income because the things I said first will make you far happier this thing doesn’t really matter but you’ve told yourself it matters now could you make a compromise that goes against the grain because that that is what if if we go online and we look at all of these communities is everyone arguing to me there’s from the outside because I don’t I’m not deep in these things but I know I hear it’s like I hear second hand all the time so you can always correct me if I’m getting it wrong on what people are saying out there but when I look at it I feel like so much debate is being had at the macro level of here’s how men are here’s how women are and hear all the things we can’t stand about the cultural norm right now and when I look at that I’m like this feels to me like in if it was the business equivalent it’s like I want to start a sandwich shop and I spend all my time watching the news and the economy and the macro statistics and saying this is why I shouldn’t start a sandwich shop this is why you can’t start a sandwich shop today look at it I’m watching the news all day and it’s terrible or you know the banking system is going to collapse soon you know that right no point starting a sandwich shop now or constantly arguing about politics and who’s in government oh it’s the Democrat oh it’s not business friendly oh you don’t want to be in California it’s not business friendly right I’m not going to start a business in California like does does that mindset and I have always one of the reasons that I’ve always loved studying things from a place of curiosity and that’s what you do you you’re facet you’re a curious person who’s fascinated by how things work and why things are happening so I get the that part I understand but when people are complaining constantly about the macro of it all and that becomes their excuse I always just think do you realize that your life changes by what you do in the micro if you’re a woman and you’re saying men are always intimidated by me I say in the macro you’re a hundred percent right that there is an awful lot of men if you’re a high earner if you’re a high status if you’ve done a lot in your life oh there’s going to be a lot of men who are intimidated by you that’s 100 true so I would never want to invalidate that but on the micro if you’re telling me that men are always intimidated by you something’s going wrong well who’s the common denominator between all of these men right now you could say men the the gender is the common denominator is men men have a problem with there’s none of my female friends have a problem with this men have a problem with this but but I look at that and I go there is a way to either you’re going for a certain kind of guy all the time or you’re going in with that as your kind of power and that is your value and that’s the thing you talk about all the time no one wants to go out with a rich person who talks about how much money they have no one no one wants to go out with a celebrity who talks about how famous they are you you want to go out with someone who has a conversation with you and gets to know you and is interested in you and is impressed by you right that’s one of the most attractive things in the world is you go on it like people should go on a date asking themselves how could I be impressed by this person and if you do that and there was a writer friend of mine who used to work I think he wrote for The Hollywood Reporter or someone but he used to say when he would interview celebrities the goal for himself so that he could write a good piece was always to go because he didn’t care he’d been doing it so long it was for him it was like just another person coming through the door with a movie it long past the point of having any novelty for him but he would say could by the end of this interview could I get to a place of feeling grateful for having been here and he knew that the key to accessing that gratitude was fine feeling like by the end of the time with that person they had taught him something they had given him some kind of Life perspective or told him their story in a way that made him feel like wow I’m actually really grateful I got to sit with this person he said if I could achieve that gratitude I knew that the article I would write would convey that I knew it would be a good piece I think that we could approach dating that way but so many people go on a date and it’s like here’s what’s impressive about me here’s why here’s here’s why you should feel a little intimidated by me instead of going how can I how can I show I’m impressed by you or how can I show that there’s something about you that just wow that’s really interesting or that I have a unique understanding of You by the end of the date that’s super attractive it makes someone feel seen that taking go back to our example if you’re someone who let’s say is real you have a job that intimidates people you also have immense leverage in being able to reverse that by the way that you are on a date with someone and so that to me is always for me on the front lines of dating where I’m constantly helping people to actually go out there and find love I always want to say to them forget the news look at what’s what are the things you could do to transform your dating life and it’s it’s wild how much you can do to transform your dating life and it doesn’t matter what’s going on out there there’s this phrase that a doctor friend of mine used when it came to diseases in hospitals he said statistics don’t matter to the individual if you’ve if you get a one in a thousand disease it doesn’t matter to you that is one in a thousand you’re you have the disease but I actually from a dating perspective like to put a positive spin on that regardless of how Grim things seem out there the statistic doesn’t matter to the individual if you as an individual learn how to be more proactive in your love life you learn how to be a beautiful presence on a date you learn how to attract someone those statistics are not going to be the primary thing affecting your love life we’ll get back to talking to Matthew in one minute but first I need to tell you about a product I’ve used every single day for three years now to help support my health and my nutrition and that’s ag1 by athletic greens even with the best of intentions I don’t get enough fruit and vegetables in my diet I don’t know if anybody does and ag-1 helps to fill those nutritional gaps and just make me feel more confident that every single day I’m covering all of my bases ag1 is a life-changing nutritional habit it’s got 75 vitamins minerals and Whole Food 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