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[Music] what is the cure for crippling anxiety benzos benzos yes yes yes oh i wish it was that simple i would like i would like john to expand on anxiety where it comes from what it is the fake cures that don’t actually cure it i i can tell you for me the only cure for when i get anxiety i tend to be more anxious than someone like ryan is intense physical exercise there’s a hill right by my house uh and it’s on a main street and i’ll just go running up it as fast as i can and by the time i’m at the top of that hill i’m so worn out i don’t have room for anxiety anymore but let’s talk about before we talk about tammy’s question the cure for crippling anxiety where does anxiety come from uh i think we’ve pathologized anxiety to a large degree so whenever i had this conversation i want everyone to picture a bell curve and there is way outside on the long tails of either side of this bell curve there’s true neurological issues there’s true you know hormone imbalances things like that so putting those aside right anxiety is really just an alarm system that’s all it is and it is just letting you know most of the time you’re disconnected you’re out of relationship with people in your community you found yourself alone and if you think back a couple of thousand years and you woke up on the plains of nebraska or kansas and your tribe had left you you’re probably gonna die right you’re gonna get eaten by something you’re gonna die starvation you’re gonna die of exposure we are co-regulated physiologically we are designed to be in community and relationship with other people in a room together doing life right and so when our body recognizes that’s not the case it will sit on the alarm right or we’re in a situation we’re not safe we’re an abusive relationship we were abused and our body is recognizing that guy looks like or she looks like and it is letting us know hey you’re not safe or the third one is we’re in a situation where we can’t control the outcome the nerd word is autonomy right we don’t have autonomy for our next own decision and all it is is our bodies just trying to get our attention and in the last 25 years can i back out for a second let’s do it yeah so if you look at all human history and progress it’s beautiful because we’re trying to solve for um the next best thing right we’re gonna make a little bit better plow make a little a horse let’s breed that horse so that would make a little bit stronger horse so we can do a little bit more yard work or you know have a little bit uh do it a little bit faster that’s all great and then technology caught up and passed our ability to think through what we were doing and so we begin to solve for comfort rapidly and i love leather seats one day i’m going to get a car that’s got them it’s going to be awesome i like air conditioners i like heaters i like all the stuff right yeah yeah you’re from houston you you have to like that’s right that’s right um so i like technology and progress don’t get me wrong um the challenge is is in the in the last 50 to 100 years 200 years we have become so obsessed with solving for comfort that we’ve pathologized discomfort we’ve made discomfort the enemy and we have some very real physiological things like sadness and frustration and boredom and anxiety natural things that our body does that we’ve said whoa whoa that’s uncomfortable we need to solve for that and so if you think about anxiety as an alarm in your kitchen it’s just a smoke detector letting you know your house is on fire you can go see a psychiatrist and climb up in there and take the batteries out which is what meds do and the alarm will stop like i’ll shut that sucker off the house is still burning down around you or i can get a pillow and climb up on a ladder and duct tape around that sucker which is what addiction does right that’s what buying new things that’s what a new job title it’s a pornography it’s all the things that’s what what another drink another drink or another boyfriend and another or whatever that’s what that will do for you it’ll help gnome that sound out it will dim the sound but man if you’re anxious going back to the original question if you got crippling anxiety get with somebody and walk out to your front yard and look at your house and see what’s on fire right and that’s where you start to heal anxiety it’s like duct taping over the your gas gauge on your car why would you do that right that’s not the problem it’s just letting you know you need some gas in the car right yeah and so i’ve started making peace with anxiety and so i’m an anxious guy i’m a super anxious guy and mine’s crippling when it comes it’s hard to walk out and so when i feel it coming i begin to be curious with my body what are you trying to protect me from and it’s a totally different engagement with my body than the decade i went to war against my body trying to shut it up yeah yeah i’m this i’m the same way i uh i actually do experience anxiety pretty easily um that’s why i did have a drug and alcohol problem when i was you know from a from a teenager until you know i was like 28 29 years old um well it’s funny you know just talking about the stories we tell ourselves so i had this really cool uncle who um told me all about these awesome grateful dead shows he went to and you know all the drugs that he was doing and i really looked up to him and the story i told myself is like i’m gonna be my cool uncle so i uh yeah very quickly started to um yeah just experiment with different drugs but then i realized that oh wow like these drugs actually do kind of shove down this anxiety yeah they work that’s the thing they work yeah and you know what’s crazy is like i was at a point where i would tell myself people don’t want to be around me unless i unless i’m on drugs because that’s the only time that i can be myself and you know other than that um people probably don’t want to be around me so there’s all these stories i was telling myself and uh then i kind of had a look at um my uncle’s life and i’m like wait a minute with this piece of his life there’s also this other piece that comes with it and i’m like the whole iceberg yeah right i’m like maybe i don’t want to be my my cool uncle um so the way i would frame that is the story you were born into was that’s what cool is right yes and over time what’s so damning is the stories we were born into the stories we were told become the stories we tell ourselves yeah and those are the only stories we can challenge because i can’t i can’t go back and edit what that coach told me what that uncle told me what that abuser told me i can’t go back and edit that the only control i have moving forward is what are these stories yeah and going back to the uh fire alarm analogy we’ve all been in that hotel room that the smoke detector is so finely tuned that you can be in a hot shower and it will set it off right yeah there is moments to go to psychiatrist and say i need to take the batteries out just so i can go sit with a counselor and actually hear them right just so i can go back to my wife and say dude i have not been the guy you signed up for and i’m sorry let’s come back together there is moments for that it’s going back to what you say it’s it’s not it won’t fix it long term it’s not the ultimate solution right no yeah absolutely so i eventually went and got some professional help and uh yeah i’ve just you know i’ve probably had four or five like really big light bulb moments in therapy but they have completely helped me shift the story that i tell myself and when it comes to anxiety i still will feel anxiety um i find that when my actions align with my values i feel less anxiety so i feel less and less anxiety these days but when i do i kind of have done the same thing that you’ve done like i make this piece with it it’s like i’ll sit with it and i’ll really um examine like okay where is this coming from did i drink too much coffee this morning is that gonna totally be it yeah yeah or is there actually something wrong but um learning to sit with it i think is is a huge tool for crippling anxiety but to get to that point yeah you might have to go talk to a professional yeah to kind of get a different you know different perspective and that’s what a good therapist does i feel like what they do is you tell them your story and they go huh they’re like why don’t you look at your story through this lens and how does that feel yeah and so they they just literally give you tools to look at your story and shift it a little bit and maybe start telling yourself a different narrative and i’ll tell you i think modern psychotherapy has failed us in the last hundred years because it’s become all cognitive if you will just think about this thing then you can think your way too and you mentioned it a good count and there’s a there’s a movement that’s happening a shift go run up and down a hill five times and your body will go all right we’re good you know what i mean yeah go call somebody and say you’re sorry go pay off every debt you have and your alarm system will stop ringing off the hook because if you owe somebody else some money that they control your next move not you right if you have a job title that you are enslaved if you’re in service to it your body will tell you we’re not okay because every day we’re going to work doing stuff that we hate that’s driving our body crazy it’s trying to trying to get your attention so if you can circle back and say dude what are you trying to tell me man yeah like what is the goal here and sometimes it’s you got to pull your kid out of 19 different activities that you’re trying to prop up your ego with and go kick a soccer ball in your front yard together right go laugh a little bit have joy in your life then your body goes all right cool now now ryan’s back in the driver’s seat i’m gonna turn the alarm off right and i don’t want to live an anxiety free life that’s that’s the alarm system is valuable it’s good for you yes it lets me know when i’m out of balance and so the goal isn’t to numb it it’s to make peace with it yeah you look at anxiety as a symptom not not the problem yeah it’s a tool yeah it’s a dashboard yeah did you enjoy this standalone patreon highlight if so you can listen to full episodes of the minimalist private podcast available exclusively on patreon visit patreon.com slash the minimalists or click the link in the description your support keeps our podcast and youtube channel 100 percent advertisement free …