The idea of 50-50 relationships sounds appealing: it’s the definition of equality, and it ensures that people get as much as the give.
I’m Dr Orion taraban and this is cycax Better Living Through psychology and the topic of today’s short talk is why 50 50 relationships don’t work okay so this is a very common belief that is prevalent in Western Society namely that relationships between men and women should be 50 50. it’s equal people get as much as they give and it creates the basis for a fulfilling and sustainable long-term relationship right well not really well this might sound good it doesn’t really work in practice for a whole host of reasons over the next eight minutes I will explain one of these reasons to you here we go at least when it comes to their sexual relationships assuming they are in a relationship with a man they are attracted to the vast majority of women would not have a problem with an unequal split provided that it favors her I don’t know any woman who would continue to work for the next 40 years on Purely ideological grounds if her husband were willing to completely bankroll her lifestyle and I don’t see anything wrong with that they might not all Express gratitude but they probably wouldn’t bulk at the arrangement now nor would most women have a problem with a 90-10 split or an 80 20 split or a 70 30 split which I personally think is the best arrangement or even a 60 40 split however we’re really getting to a woman’s limit when we hit that 50 50 split and we know that because there are very few women who would feel good about even a 40-60 split if they’re the ones assuming the majority of the expenses and responsibilities do you see what that means is that for the majority of women 50 50 is the furthest they’re willing to go 50 50 is a stretch they’re not signing up for relationships where they assume the majority of the expense and responsibility 50 50 is their limit now let’s put that aside for the moment and approach the idea of equality from the perspective of men if I were to ask 100 men what it would look like to fairly distribute expenses and responsibilities between two people I guarantee that 100 out of those 100 men would answer you split them 50 50. and that’s because 50 50 is the definition of equality do you see however in reality men have largely resigned themselves to assuming a greater share of the expenses and responsibilities in relationships with women not because it’s fair not because it’s equal but because that’s just sort of the cost of doing business as Eddie Murphy said there is no romance without Finance one way or the other you gotta pay to play now before I go any further if you’re liking what you’re hearing please consider sending this video to someone who might benefit from its message because it’s Word of Mouth referrals like this that really help to make the channel grow and you can also hit the super thanks button and tip me in proportion to the value you derive from this episode I really appreciate your support so now we’re well positioned to understand why 50 50 relationships between men and women don’t work in practice it’s very simple 50 50 is where Men start on the other hand 50 50 is where women end up like there are women who are willing to do 50 50 but they are outnumbered by the number of women who would be happy with an 80 20 split and there are men willing to do 80 20 but they are outnumbered by The Men Who would be happy with a 50 50 split in a 50 50 split the woman is giving the most she is willing to give with respect to the relationship while the man is giving the least he is practically willing to give with respect to the relationship if a car were being sold this would be equivalent to a negotiated price that is the most the buyer is willing to spend and the least the seller is willing to discount irrespective of the actual value of that car do you think both the buyer and the seller are going to be equally happy about that transaction absolutely not the buyer is going to be grumbling and the seller is going to feel peachy keen and that’s just one transaction imagine living that transaction day in and day out week after week month after month year after year that’s unsustainable and it’s not sustainable due to the objective equality or inequality of the transaction whatever that might be it’s not sustainable due to the feelings associated with the relative allocation of resources it may be fair but it doesn’t feel Fair and this is partly due to Market forces a woman could likely find a man who would be willing to assume more than equal share of the expenses and responsibilities so she can plausibly feel like she’s getting a bad deal at a 50 50 split people feel pretty schmucky when they buy something a week before a sale even though they were apparently happy enough to part with more money for the same product the week previous which means that they felt it was a fair transaction at that price point they don’t like the fact that they could have paid less for the same thing our conception of value is not really anchored at the objective or inherent value of a thing whatever that is it’s almost entirely determined by the price points of similar transactions now I’m explaining this not because I believe that things should be different I’m explaining this because that’s the way it is I know it can be hard for men to understand this but For Better or For Worse 50 50 is a stretch for most women and very few women consider going Beyond 50 50 as a realistic possibility on the other hand the vast majority of men understand the Practical necessity of going Beyond 50 50. this creates the emotional conditions that amount to a woman feeling like she’s spending more that she has to for at an equal allocation of expenses and responsibility equal doesn’t feel Fair which is why it doesn’t tend to work and personally I’m not into 50 50 relationships I’ll just put it out there I work best in relationships where there is a clear power imbalance and part of the cost of a power imbalance that favors me is that I assume greater responsibility for the material aspects of that relationship it’s not equal but it’s fair and an unequal relationship that feels Fair will be much more sustainable than an equal relationship that feels unfair that’s just the way it is and as long as the Privileges are commensurate with the responsibilities then the relationship will continue to feel fair to the individuals involved irrespective of the actual allocation of expenses and responsibilities does that make sense good what do you think does this fit with your own experience please let me know in the comments below and if you’ve gotten this far you might as well like this episode And subscribe to this channel you may also consider becoming a channel member with perks like priority review of comments or booking a paid consultation as usual thank you for listening …